Sharper than a blade
Cut down to my bone
Sliced to the marrow
Fall, bleed and dying –
Sharper than a blade
Cut down to my bone
Sliced to the marrow
Fall, bleed and dying –
Woke up to this beautiful gloomy, rainy morning.
Its been a week (or 2?) since I was lazying around during working hours. Yea you read it right, i was (am) so bad! Sorry not sorry.
I finished a full 20 episodes of Korean drama : Remember, Son of the War – I watched in my office secretly because I wasn’t in the mood of working at all. So basically, for the past 2 weeks, I clocked in just to get a strong internet to watch the drama, and listen to some songs in between. I only did my work whenever it was crucially needed. When it was 5pm, I would go back sharp on time, sprawling on bed, sometimes overthinking – no uber or anything. Stagnant. I sleep early and still struggling to wake up in the morning. I feel like I am falling out of place.
Okay that’s quite a confession right here.
I will put an end to such lifestyle. 2 weeks of doing whatever has to stop and I should wake up and refresh my self. So what I’m saying is, I have to change. Just, what I’m thinking by behaving like this? Wake up izni, get your shit together and roar. Com’on!
Delusional me, thinking I would still see your face waiting for me at the other end when I am walking and passing several places we’ve been before. The memories are still vividly alive in my mind and I miss you quite terribly. The world is too quite without you nearby. Strange enough, this alive and bustling city suddenly has become a dead and silent place for me. If not because of the job, I am pretty sure I would have left this soul-less space.
I envy her to the extent that sometimes I hate myself. No one could ever fathom it. Just a dark and lonely world of a being named izni.
It’s been a long time since I last posted. This site has gotten rusty and plain. I don’t know why, writing hobby that I cherished all these while..is now starting to vanish away. I, suddenly didn’t see the significant point of writing anymore and sometimes I feel that writing down what I truly feel – is somewhat pathetic and embarrassing. Its like I keep on screaming to the wall and the echoes kicked me back on my face.
Life at this moment is a mess. I mean, my life and what I feel & experienced now is undoubtedly a mess. Things surrounding me are getting more bullshit than ever. I just pray so that I can contain my sanity and if I turn to a bad tampered side of me, that means I had enough. I hate people, yeah what’s new about it?
It’s my third night in a row nesting here in this not-so-fancy restaurant. I hope tonight will be my last night in this month working over-time here.Still sitting at the very exact spot because it has a sentimental value to me. It is a place where AB and I sat together when he came visited me few months ago. I found myself being quite emotional these days and God knows how hard it is to balance up with my work.
It is not that I love to bring work home, but I just have 2 hands and plus-minus 6 hours in the office to complete my crazy work loads these days. The Big Boss came to the office 2 days ago and we had a meeting out of the blue, my whole department. As usual, the same client issues & he kinda said “work harder, don’t make any bloody mistakes and work like a slave!” – of course in a good, polite & decent way. I just summarised his core message in my own way lol. But really, when it comes to words & speech- he is the person. I still remember, I was inspired by his speech when I first listened to him until I feel like dropping him a compliment email. But I didn’t do it because I don’t wanna be that extra you know. No doubt, he is a good leader.
Called mom while I walked home. Listening to her voice soothed the storms inside me. I know she has no idea what kind of storms I’m dealing with because man, its hard to open up about myself towards anyone including her. Take it or leave it, I am not a daughter who tells every single thing to my parents, let alone personal & deeper feeling of mine. I can’t remember what we were talking about, but I remember she said “Don’t despair & always be thankful for what you have”- and a hill more wisdom words from her.
Mom, your daughter is always grateful for having you in her life. Your daughter is missing your warm hug to remind her that she will be doing just fine.
..and that everything is gonna be so okay.
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is the prize
-Wake Me Up (Avicii)
Blogging from my favourite seat in this particular corner of Oldtown White Coffee, about 2 km from my apartment. I started to love this spot as it has a strong internet, less crowd, nice ambiance uhm except the food here is quite pricy. But I started to master the art of ordering food here so that I don’t have to step out broke. Strategy matters!
Changed my blog theme which I love to bits! Also, I edited some of my old posts which I think are too personal to be on-line. Speaking of which, I surprised with the amount of my openness lately. Something might have changed me. I mean, I wasn’t that kind of person who write about my deeper life, if you get what i mean – on a public blog. If any, it wouldn’t be that open & unreserved. But sometimes, I feel like, why not? If that’s what you really feel, then what’s wrong in jotting & describing ’em down. After all, it is my canvas & I, without no doubt have a definite right to do whatever I want.
Now I endorsed that People do change and so am I. But I still love the reserved-self in me. There’s something special (and mystery) about being reserved. Not bragging and telling people what exactly you are feeling inside; for me..is an act of being humble & selfless. Because no matter how loud you are in emphasizing your state & condition, the fact is..no one has control over it. People won’t stop and trying to solve your problems, yeah obviously. It’s getting lengthy here (but I don’t care) ; actually all I wanna say is that – I wanna TRY to be that reserved person again. There’s beauty in it I believe.
This week feels longer.
Maybe it is due to the alternate holidays & leave in between so it felt like time moved so slow. Finally, its Friday. My sisters are still enjoying their precious time at home and I think I should’ve took a long leave to stay home too.
Will do some other time. I’ll run from this city for say, a week or so to embrace my hometown again, to clear my mind and also to breath some fresh air. I feel kinda lonely here and I just wanna sleep to embrace this sad feeling. And eat in between. FML.
I was driving when he confirmed that he passed the viva. I was expecting it earlier because I know how determine he is in doing such academic-ish stuffs and he is someone who’s always excel on that. But knowing the news that he really nailed it brought some tears to my eyes. Sounds unreal huh? But really, tears were unexpected. I hate it. A great part of me is happy knowing the news but a silent & deserted part of me are scared and sad (if it’s the correct term? But not really sad you know, some feelings that no words can’t explain idk).
I know it’s not fair for me to demand this and that but if I’m allowed to be selfish, I want him to stay here longer than he should be. But then again, don’t be selfish, izni. You got no right. He has such a perfect life back home and..and..if he stays here like what I’ve wished, then what? It is not that I can offer him something worth, you know. World doesn’t revolve around you izni. Loser you.
Smiling • Writing • Dreaming
ˈprəʊsɛs/ : a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.
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