the last palace

until further notice.

Have you ever felt like you hate your very self? You hate your surroundings, hate the busses, hate any sound, hate the people on earth, hate people’s mind, hate your own hypocrisy, hate your office and everything in it, hate normality, hate your routine, hate everyone’s behaviour, hate your own behaviour, your own attitude, your image, your over thinking habit, your over eating habit, your every.details.of yourself – you just HATE it. Hate everything, literally. Like you wanna curse everything that crossed your path. 

I’m hating myself right now, so don’t talk to me because I’m not gonna like you when I don’t even like me. 

–until further notice. 

And you also. Don’t pretend like a cute one, I don’t like you too. Shut up.

Monday rant

Morning rain on Monday. Wearing blue to fight against Monday Blues. Final week of the month would be crazily hectic. I’m all prepared for that.

For the countless time, I walked in the midst of the rain – to my working place. Always forget to take my umbrella which I left at Bangi, it would only come to my mind on the day like this – like today.

Since I said I love rain, so I’m trying to walk in it. It feels..satisfying, and a kind of lonely feeling.

Bob Marley said it right. I’m gonna prove what I’m saying.

“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me” – Bob Marley.


“Do you believe in prayers?”


“So, pray”


So exhausted these days. Chris urged us to take our shortfalls down to zero or negative and send him our productivity report at the end of the working hour. I just bluntly stated my shortfalls. I don’t care, I’m so tired and not gonna stay up late at the office this week. I think my performance is not too bad, ranked among top 2, I think I’m doing good. 

Felt like working like a machine.

Just need my bed, nothing else. and yeah, food. or hug or massage or vacation or whatever comforting.

8 months

8 months of working here.

Almost one year of staying here in this bustling city. Almost 2 years since my uni’s graduation, and me, about 2 months plus before turning into 24, for real.

Felt like yesterday when Mom left me alone in the middle of Bunga Raya college for me to handle everything because she had to chase her next flight home. Since then, I know – life is about standing on your own feet. No matter what, struggle for yourself because nobody ain’t do that. You want something? Go get it. Work for it. Perhaps the mantra what makes me myself now. Fiercely independent, stubborn, ridiculously emotional and crazily impatience (excuse the exaggeration but hell yes it is me in a few good words) – and perhaps that is why I don’t really depend on people. I was taught by experience, being far from home, all you need is your beautiful-self.

8 months of working here in this company has taught me a lot of things. Went in with totally zero knowledge and some amount of insecurities, now I think I’m growing stronger , more mature(?) and better in a lot of aspects. I learnt how to turn on friendly mode, and how to fake and hide my thoughts and smiles. haha. I learnt that not everything you have to convey, the most vital thing is to – listen and observe. Some thoughts are best kept in your mind box – and say something that make you look smart and professional. So, basically, I’m not ‘that’ childish in the office. Out of office – my inner child shine, so bright.

That’s all. Gotta move. Happy 8-months-of-working for me!

I wanted to write a lot more stories and thoughts, but let’s see if I have the right mood for that.

Let me tell you my kind of love definition (Unspoken words)

I adore morning rain. For some unidentified reasons, I feel secure when it is raining. It is like a good pat on my back saying “bad day will pass”,”here is a little rain for you, so cheer up!”-sort of comfort – and I do feel better when it’s raining.

I still remember someone defined “love” by blindness. He said love is..when you see flaws in your loved one but still keep loving them. I second that but I didn’t tell him how exactly my definition of love is because on that time, I, myself was so confused about me. Sounds weird but yeah I was uncertain about what I want back then.

Now that I, well, kinda found a little piece of myself,- so let me define how I think love should be. I would be glad if he read this because there is no chance anymore for me to tell him anything. (but how on earth he could find me on this blog -perhaps he has a little intelligent to google up my name and finally read this-but who cares if he doesn’t. Ah shut up brain).

For me love is not all about accepting all the flaws of your loved ones, it consists of different things and aspects. Love should be in line with what Allah had mentioned in Al Quran. Pure and clean, if you know what I mean. If the way you love someone is not right (sinful) then leaving it would be a true love. I can’t ignore Allah’s regulations-after all, HE is the source of everything. We are His slaves and so, everything including love should tally with His T&C.

Love, is when you focus on a person, and being enough of that person. You don’t feel any need to talk to another woman or man, you feel enough. You share special things with only that person that you love. You know how to make it special, you prioritize, sensible and refused to go free. Love is special. I value love high, so anything below my benchmark, even though it hurts like hell, I will walk away. Time heals and I believe if I practice what Allah has sets, I will be fine. My heart will be recovered and everything will be just so fine like a rainy day. Love is a great feeling but take note that, love isn’t necessarily to be together. Sometimes when you leave someone for the sake of Allah’s love, turns out it is a BETTER love.

So yeah, it is all that I wanna say. Life is temporary, we should be careful and selective on where we put our love.

I’m not sorry for being me (wound will be healed, it is a normal process in life).

Have a great life onwards, from not your favorite person.

Me being me.

Can we stay together forever?

I personally doubt if people can stay in love with a person – for forever.

Can people really stay together forever?

That makes me wanna keep marriage and relationship aside and hop on planes to any random places. I don’t believe on people. I don’t believe on me, either.



I haven’t been writing here for quite some times. A bit busy at the office during the last week of September, and now it is October! Another 2 months before 2017, can you believe how fast time flies?

I have a tonne of story to write here, but today was a tiring day. I can’t think of anything better than having an early sleep.It’s 9.10 pm and I am gonna sleep like an old woman (or like a baby? hmm).

Already smell the lovely weekend. Can’t wait!


I Was Fine With Being Alone, And Then You Came Along — Thought Catalog

Alan Labisch I learned to live my life alone. Hell, I even loved it. I enjoyed the idea of not giving a fuck on anyone or anything. Going out to see the latest movies… Sitting on a table in my favorite restaurants… Strolling around malls… Laughing at stupid little things… Crying over silly stuff… But…

via I Was Fine With Being Alone, And Then You Came Along — Thought Catalog

Getting started

So, things just got real.

I signed up for CF gym membership. Finally, Alhamdulillah, all praises belong to Him.

I was really surprised when Ivon, the consultant told me there’s no need to pay advance 2 months fee like I read on the Internet. 

The monthly fee rate is just as expected, I was prepared for that so nothing shocked me. Suitable with its brand and the place it nestled around, I’m satisfied with everything. It has 3 packages, and I opted a very basic package with 12 months contract. Ivon brang me for a short tour, there are 2 studios where all sort of classes happen and open space where equipments like cross fit, treadmill (I come for you baby!), weights, and body scanner are located. Body scanner (I used my own terms since I forgot the specific brand or name) is amazing. It scans every level of your body like trunk, waist, hip and the usual measurements like % water, muscles and body fats – and it will print out the result automatically! How cool is that! Excuse my jakun but dats cool. So I got my very first result of my body content. Not a good sight, really.

I need to lost about 18 kilos more to achieve my ideal weight. Hahaha. 18 kilos. Just wow.

With the package, I will be given 4 sessions with a personal trainer, an access card for a locker and yes! a free bag and towel. 

I see it as an investment. I hope to become a healthier, clean and positive human being.

I can do it, like really, just watch me roar.

And the cute “This is water” bottle water that I bought after signing up the membership. Instantly in love!

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