Flashing back our first confession, I cant help my self but to smile wide. It was a really out-of-the-blue confession and every time I remembered that, nothing feels so calm as that. I felt as being love by every corner of the world. He means a world for me, indeed. Our friendship almost reach 4 years time, including the confession in 2 years back. Few words in describing him, he is so charismatic in his own way. He is hopeless romantic, ordinary man and nice. Just like , nothing special on him and I have no solid idea why I heart him that much.
It was not so long when I found my best friend’s diary. She was in love with him and he knows that. I felt like I am a bad third person that jumped into people’s relationship. I slept in tears and my heart was sank. Deeply sank. My best friend admired him so much and the words that she wrote about him turn me into tears, in return. Day by day, I keep reading her diary, secretly. I knew it was wrong, but I have too. I have to know how much she heart him and since when.
“Did you love her?”, I asked him, one day. Maybe he was not expecting that I knew their story. Yea, ‘ their’ story.
“How come you knew about this?”, He asking me back, without giving me the answer.
” Khalija, she loves you with all her heart. I know that, Umayr”, I replied.
” Yes,she loves me. But I don’t! “,Umayr finally replied.
” I told her that I am never in love with her but she wont listen me!”, He continued.
“but she loves you with all her heart. Your family also knew about that, and you can learn to love her in return”,I replied him. I have no bravery to face him. Text messages after text messages were send. No matter how strong I was holding back my tears, they were still keep running down my cheek. I was bedazzled at that point. Between Umayr and Khalija, both are my stars and sun in my life. To choose one of them, it was a very impossible thought.
Finally, I left him without any word. Our relationship became so fragile until at one point, I can hear the slow crack that finally broke up the relationship. We are not contact each other since then. We were in absolute silence and I thought “Yeah, this is it. I should give chance to Khalija and Umayr. It is okay, by time, I will forget everything. I am strong and I knew it”, and I smiled. A forced smile. It was hurt at the beginning. The feeling was like when you were all alone in an abandoned island and you saw the boat is leaving. That feeling, was just indescribable.
Two, three and four days. I was in bad condition. Then, I decided to think positive and re-live. My life should’t meet its end when simple thing like that happened. I happened to read a deep verse of Al Baqarah, 216 :
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.
I am so astonish and it made me reflecting all the moments in my life. I realised that when I was in relationship with Umayr, I often late in offering my daily prayer and I missed most of my tahajjud. My emotion on human being is more strong than to Allah,my Creator. It can’t be like that. I started to look back all the wrong deeds that I had done. Finally, I found an answer. An answer that really make my life changed.
Umayr was taken from me for a reason. Allah wants to educate me to be a better and matured person. HE wants me to have a plenty of time with HIM first and to realised that, it is a huge rahmah Allah ever had to a bad person like me. To have Umayr in my life is not that lucky but to have Allah’s love, it means more than a world to me. From that, I made up my mind.
I made my day as busy as possible. Attending lectures, playing sports with my classmates, having consultant hour with my lecturers, studying in library,reading a lot of books and doing revisions, revising chapters of Al Quran, tahajjud and Alhamdulillah, day by day my heart feels so calm. It was not like an ocean’s wave and tide anymore. Thought of Umayr’s love fade slowly but, I don’t know why his name cant be removed from my everyday prayer. I pray so that he will be all fine and may his life full of happiness. I love him,still. But, in another way.
It was a windy evening in my campus when I received a letter. The letter was given by a gardener and I almost thought that he was wrongly gave it to me. Why I am receiving the letter? and Who send it?
“So, you search for me. Everywhere?”, I smiled and stared his eyes. My pray, now become a reality.
“I always pray that if we were made for each other,HE will brought us together and finally, I knew you studied in the university. So, I found my princess there, finally”, Umayr replied and holding my hand softly.
“You didn’t contact me since then”, I asked him as if I was sulking, just to see his reaction.
“I always contact you in my tahajjud. Dont you feel it?”, He asked me while making a serious expression on his face.
I can feel my 8-months fetus is kicking me,gently. Maybe he want also joining his mom and dad conversation. I come to believe that, relationships, love, life and everything in this world always come second ; the first one is our relationship with the Inventor and Creator of all these form of happiness. Short verse below really made me strong and indeed, Allah, HE always with us ; in every condition , sweet or savoury.
Pray to Me, I shall acknowledge your call. Undoubtedly those who are too proud to worship Me, soon will enter the Hell despised.
[al-Mu’min ; 60]
This short story perhaps to inspire peoples and couples out there to sit and reflect back ” what have you done?“. It is also shows that in this life, no matter how much you want something or how much your world keep saying ITS IMPOSSIBLE, but when it comes to Allah, everything can be so possible. So, top up your pray and believe that it may come true,someday.