dalam diam

layar-layar wayang yang berjalan

pemuzik drama di kaki lima

dan yang bermain dram penuhi khayalan

dalam diam aku menjadi pencinta setia dentuman itu

ketukan yang bingar dan pukulan yang tidak tentu

seperti anehnya pencinta sepi

yang tanpa sedar mencuri sedikit kebisingan di hujung hari

sekadar untuk tahu bahawa dia masih hidup

walau kebanyakan bahagian darinya semakin mati


Had a brief meeting with Dr R, about the important and critical dates regarding to final report submission. How time really flies kan? Really is.

Nervous, excited,  scary ; everything just mixed up. I hope that I can pass this checkpoint smoothly. InsyaAllah.

After a long time, finally today we had a mentor- mentee session with Prof. OB. He is one of my favourite lecturers and I admired him for every words that came out from his mouth. Almost every words he says are inspiring and motivating. I couldn’t be more grateful for having him as my mentor. Haha, am I too much in praising him? Heh. He deserves it anyway.

He advised us to do not hesitate to meet him if we have any problem. I never see him (or anybody) to talk about my problem. I’m not (yet) used to it, maybe? And everything else – the hope and expectations, all were same as previous meeting session.

Dr R asked to stay here in UNIMAS, work on Master degree. Actually,  I myself doesn’t have any locked-plan. Everything seems to be floated around.

I miss to fall into a deep sleep. These two, three days , it was  hard to really sleep. What I’m thinking?


Tiring Monday although it was a cozy day. Struggled to stay awake in the 3-hours-period-evening class, settling the unfinished thingy in the lab, with some acid solution on my blouse – really? The blouse was given by someone! And all the hurricane that I just passed by, I can’t imagine if I decided to take another class of SCUBA. Should I fit myself into the class? Still thinking.

Ecotoxicology class made my classmates and I – at least me, being so paranoid, and extra careful on everything that we used in daily life. It is not a huge revelation I guess, maybe we already know those facts. We just ignored them because it is the least thing we can do, right? We can’t do anything to control those radioactive that are freely emitted and floated in our atmosphere.

It is not surprise to know that the most dangerous substance may exists next to us, now. Take Mercury as example. It can be found in mobile phone and even in the pen that we use everyday. Not to mention, it was also Mercury that caused Minamata outbreak in Japan.

We might see a little tiny action as a nothing-wrong deed, but we often doesn’t extend out our mind to think the fate of the action. It is what we had experienced during the beginning of the industrial and agricultural revolutions; they just focus on products, and money with large ignorance to the environmental issues that may resulted in. It wasn’t their fault though because there was no environmental history issue for them to refer.

Depleted ozone layer, bad water quality and you name it – they can be called as boomerang. Previous potential activities that show their consequences later. Simply said, old generation did the activities, present/future generation experienced the consequences. You throw something now, later it will return back to you. What goes around comes around.

I hate to think the possible green solution for those type of environmental issues. It will end up with nothing, no solid solution. Maybe it is too late for any thorough solution?

Can’t wait to attend a talk on “Lynas Advanced Materials Plant – The Real Story” in this coming March. We just talked about that in today’s class.

a knock-up

We are merely nothing if we are still in the prison, the old prison that restricts us from move on and get a better, quality life. To be a level upper from the place we are standing now, we have to do some improvements, and keep the consistency. Yes, sometimes we doesn’t understand how fast our life trail move and suddenly, we realize that we are just a step very close to death. Afraid that we doesn’t have good enough ‘presentation’ to The Most Gracious on that time, we must start from now.

There should be a point where we realize that “I should move on”, “I should prepare something”, “I can’t be like this anymore”, and those type of self-knock-up that lead us to a point.

I have some lists that I created long time before, and did consistent with that . But you know, as human’s imaan has its up and down – sometimes (most of the time!) I sink below the wave. The world wave that keep seducing weak peoples like me. Well, I add some more below my old lists just to tell myself that I have to really work hard to be a better one. I’m not forever young. I will die. I don’t want to be a regular person living in this world. I want to be someone different, internally.

Ok, below is the lists. I know nobody will read this (maybe?), but who knows if someone found this, he/she will have some idea of improving themselves? I really hope so.

  1. Deed-check list

A list that you have to face at the end of your day. It is a table, filled with day and date, consist of everything that you wish to do in a day. For example, earlier daily prayers, dhuha, tahajjud, talking good to others, selawat, fasting, al-Mulk before sleep, read a page or two of Al-Quran, find new hadith/ new knowledge, and so on. Paste it down somewhere you often see as a reminder and you just need to honestly tick down the deeds that you had successfully done, and reflect your day. It is motivating, trust me!

2.  Improve your tajweed

Brush up your old-tajweed knowledge by any mean that you comfort with. Here comes in the power of gadget and IT, make a full use of it and own a book to jot down your tajweed lessons. Improve them, you don’t want your kids laugh at you later?

3.  Read new book (whatever book)

4.   Find and memorise new recitation (e.g dua after dhuha prayer)

5.   Make a to-do list every day to maximize your time usage.

Consistency is the policy. Doing step by step our planned self-improvement is like adjusting ourselves to a better place. You can feel that you is closer to yourself. Ever feel that? I don’t know how to explain it literally, but it is a kind of teaching and communicate to your inner self.

You can add-on everything you want, and challenge yourself. There’s no such reason of not having adequate time. You will always have a time for something you really love and care of. Ok, that’s for me. Heh.

Till then. Let us improve ourselves for a better life in the future. Pray!


Cause He knows all
No compromise
Hears your laughs
Feels your cries
He is there all the time

(Trust in Allah by Saif Adam)

deadly in love with this song! :]


Up until today, I have no problem with that. I try so much hard to not have any problem with that.

If I have one, I know how to deal with it. I know it was just a living bubble that exist up to my expectation. It was a game and I’m a loser.

Grateful that everything that wandered and remain inside that cage can’t be heard by anyone. I just have to let it drown with time, before it can dissappear forever.



After graduation, what next? – a sequel


As promised, this is a sequel to this post. About my uncertain decision and urm, future. Graduation is like born as white. It is up to ourselves how to paint it. What color we want to use, what technique we should apply on etc. So, here is the typical question that often being asked to me: to further your study or jump into the work career. This decision should not be a big matter to decide on, it is just me who exaggerate everything. Or there’s somebody out there that having the same problem as me? Hah. *Highfive!*

Further study.

If you choose this, you must be a person who love to study. Haha, for sure lah kan. You should by now has a topic to study on or keep planning everything, step by step. Apart from alllllll that, you must have this one: a solid NAWAITU. A clear major aim why do you want to study on this particular subject. This aim that you set prior everything will be your border when you feel like to quit someday later, or it will be as a pushing agent when you feel like you had been tear apart in a hurricane. A big WHY for you to keep standing.

For example, you want to do a further research on toxicology in our daily ecosystem just to provide a safe environment for public community to live in. It is a big and wise nawaitu. You want your research will become a drive cause for peoples to change. You demand for a better earth and health, and so you decide to study on that and make a change instead of waiting for changes to happen. So, it is true, being a scientist or researcher must have this strong aim. Further study to the next level must accompany by this type of strong aim.

Whatever your aim is, just find one. And work hard towards it, make it turn to be a reality.

Working circle.

Anyone that can’t wait to run out from the formal-student-environment? Then, find a work. As my friend said, if you keep studying when is the time you will get out and work? Funny question from her (or not? I think it’s funny. haha who cares), and yet made me think so much, and so deep. “Until when I will be surrounded by formal education system?”

Working is a non-formal education, where everything you learn on paper turn out into a reality screen. Working may serve us with more realistic problems and can make us more matured. Maybe? We had been in front of books and confront a series of exams; plus minus for about 15 years. Let see what the 15-years-study experiences plus a degree certificate can bring up. What they can contribute?

Working, other than to get those type of experiences; it is the best way to start saving, support our families member that need money for daily expenses. This might be imply on a not-too-rich people like me. Maybe I should start saving, and postpone my burning fire to study?

After some times, we can always apply to further our study.Right? – as long as we still have the fuel, the spirit.

Indie-worker. Work from home. Or whatever work that doesn’t control me, doesn’t assign some hours of mine as somewhat called as “office hours”, doesn’t restrict me with bunch of nonsense regulations and protocols. I dream of having the job. No other way except creating my own business. But, long before that, I have to find some experiences as a foundation for me to create that.

On that time, as I’m not restricted with those office hours things, I can be a full housewife, educate peoples of my home, and at the same time, managing my own business. What is more wonderful other than that? I should be planning by now.

Let us think so deeply, so deep until we know what is our aim living in this world, and try to achieve the aim starting from now.

I – compared to the time I wrote this, now, I have at least, something on my mind. Something. Maybe I should work on that. Dreams do turn reality, I know.

after you get your wing, where do you want to fly?

There should be a thing that wandered around your mind? Justify and lead it to a destination.

possibility living with your “copy” ?

Okay, this question is interesting. What is the possibility of two peoples that having same interests, thoughts, goals, dreams, and whatever-else that are the same to each other – being together as a pair, as a soulmate and live happily together ever after?

What’s the possibility? Forget about the mathematical formulas but at one bright side, yes, they can live together due to their similarities. Much easier maybe? There will be less fighting and can have much wider discussion about their thoughts. They can do everything they love and enjoy every breath they have. To find a person that love whatever we love, and think the way we think is so difficult. It would be a great moment when they can try a new different thing together, discover brand new hobbies and so on. It is like living with another copy of them. Dark side of this, life could get very bored, but only for those who are close minded. For the open minded people, they will find a creative way to express the similarities. Be creative! Create something fun.

Living together with a totally different people can turn out in two possible ways. It could be a very successful or a very disastrous life. A successful life would result in if they are willing to learn, understand and accept each other. Ability to see an aspect from different views, and willingness to change something would be so much help. I can imagine how colorful their life will be! Mind restriction is the only way that lead to a disastrous life. Lack of effective discussion, refuse to accept different opinions and inability to control emotions are the bomb key. Once it explodes, here comes in the mushrooming divorce issues.

Well, we don’t know and can’t surely expect what type of person we will be live with. If I could choose, I prefer to live with a copy of mine. For the fact of no two persons are exactly alike, we should learn how to adjust and agree in disagrees.

As nothing can guarantee anything, maybe we can try from now. Try to fine-tune our personalities and inner mentalities. After all, type of living – happiness or messiness are all based on the way we handle the problems or the rising situations.

I don’t know, just a silent thought of mine. Maybe they are different in others’ point of view – your thought or sharing are warmly welcome! :]

someone may not be good. But there's something good in every one.
someone may not be good. But there’s something good in everyone. Discover that.