Personal, Thoughts

Evening ramble

Living in a big family, cooking and gotong-royong together, frequently return to their village visiting their grandpas and grandmas, mass-sleeping at village’s living room, those kind of activities – I miss the feeling. Heard my friends’ stories about that, and I have nothing (not much) to say on. I wasn’t raised in a really big family, nor comfortable in a too packed home. My dear grandma who I was very closed to like no one else; passed away when I was in fifteen, and when I was in sixteen or so, my good good uncle followed her. Then, everything seemed to be blunt. Plain.

I miss her to be exact. So much miss.

One or two days before my grandma passed away, she asked me to set up a kelambu for her to sleep. So, I did. She praised me for being a good grandchild and said she was so lucky to have me as one. I laughed, but my heart was really in pain. My grandma who used to be by my side, advising me this and that, a good listener, my sleeping partner when she came to my home, someone who entertained and pampered me with everything she could, giving me gift whenever I got good results in school; was finally met The Creator, and she had no replace. Started that, I am a person with no grandma. No one that I could count on that much. I remembered kissing her for the very last time. It was hard. Throw backed and writing all those memories, I can’t hold back my tears.

The soreness I felt every time I remembered her, there was something in my heart. Tears keep flowing and it is painful. Like I have a blooded wound that are never dry. I had no worry at all when she passed way, in a sense that I really sure she will be happy living in the new world. She was a person with Al-Quran, prayers, and fasts. I am proud of her. I am the one who is lucky to have her in my life.

So, nothing much happened after that. Life is a life, and it is a race. Racing for everything. Sometimes, I’m tired to take part in this race. I’m not good in socializing, being friendly to everyone, cooking great dishes for a big family, etc. Mom once said that I just good in studying. Haha – which was true. Studying is the easiest thing. Literally, I just need to remember the facts and answer with the right way.

It was really hard to cope with loss, right? We have to get used for not seeing someone we love anymore. We have to learn copping our sore, and shed the fallen tears strong.

Back at the main point, (I don’t know why I ended up writing on my grandma) – Our society put a bench mark on how a person (girl is the biggest target) act in the crowded, how good their interpersonal skills, how friendly they are, how much topics they can blended in, are they is a good cook, how they entertain kids and babies, and so on – made me suffocated. Really is.

That is the major threat of being a twenty-something girl. You need to be perfect in merely everything – which I’m not.


Untold mixture


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