Imaginary friend

Imaginary friend.

Do you have one?

I do.

Mine is nameless ( I’m not sure what name suits him/her best). But not Yayah please, it’s not “Dear Yayah,..” . Haha.

Imaginary friend is actually our another half. Not that another half, I mean it literally. Another part of ourselves, another side. It goes like this – I’m Izni who talk to Arifah. Simply like that ; another half – ourselves.

Being a very secretive girl when I was at school, I owned a lot of diaries that I wrote to my imaginary friend. It was like I wrote to someone, unseen. I asked my imaginary friend some unanswered questions, opinions, and even when I cried – I poured everything down in words. It is a place where I can be honest to myself. It is really Izni who talked to Arifah. Haha.

I believe everybody has one ; since it is actually our inner us. Our mind mate.  The only difference is how deep our friendship is. The more frequent you interact with yourself ( valuing everything that happened, self-reflection session, etc ), the more you can feel the connection.

I realised this when I decided to record every single moment and big chapters in my life. I’ve just established my new baby blog just to record my internship journey. Maybe someday, there will be another separate virtual space for me to write as a wife, lover, mom, worker, grandmother, traveler and so on. When I asked myself,  “to whom you’re writing?” – part of me said “it is for me”, because maybe I will feel more alive when I’m writing (even sometimes I gave up), or maybe that’s the only way that I can save every sentimental moment tightly. I’m at my freedom.

It’s nearly 3 am, relieved that electricity just came back otherwise I will die hot. Malaysia (world?) at its suffering era. Global warming, El Nino etc – it’s a paycheck for us who love to destroy our mother nature.

Good night mind mate, soul mate, imaginary friend,  imaginary companion or whatever it called. This ramble will be longer if I’m not going to stop now. Let’s get some sleep.

image
Blackout. When it is dark, then you know what is bright. Rambling!

So, I baked..

Ok, so today I baked. The result was well, unexpected –

image
No recipe. I'm a scientist 😀

After quite a few years jugak I left all the kitchen-oven things, this is the first serious attempt. It’s not a cake (no egg in) – so mom said it can’t be declared as cake, she said this is actually a pancake (thick version) or we called it as “bengkang”. I threw everything inside – from nestum to orange peels hahah.

Half-failed but edible. Not bad, kan? XOXO

It’s an experiment. An invention. I should add some eggs and see whether the texture will improve (I know it will). Anyway, a good try scientist! Chocolate cake is too typical to bake. Haha.

Homie First Note

Yay, I’m home! Alhamdulillah safely arrived and survived with the eyebags and exhausted physical and mental. Double flights with those heavy luggage, and today I can feel my arm muscles were all cramped and teared apart. Haha. A pat on my back, I wasn’t loss in searching way at KLIA2. Nearly fell from the escalator, oh let’s forget that. Haha.

It was a happy ending. Arrived home and just a few days left for us to meet Ramadhan, InsyaAllah – and also internship! Argh. Hate that. Whyy? I dont know XO

No better place like home. Yes I trust that..it is a place that we can be our very true selves, enjoy a genuine love, accept and live with each other’s good and bad, and everything that may come into your mind about love, return home and you’ll find that. Exaggerating? Haha who cares. I love it. So, you can tell if people love or hate you. It is by observing (mostly) because not everything are spoken out directly. Agree?

Oh by the way, mark on a final exam subject was released out. Just one subject, what a speedy! Released out 2 days ago to be exact, just viewed it tonight.

So, happy holiday! Enjoy the freedom before being engage again.

Feeling do evolve, right? Greatly evolved with time. Sometimes you love something like crazy, like you can’t live a second without it, but there’s a time when you feel nothing. Neither hate nor love –  a hollow nothing, and you’re just too tired to mind anything.

image

Tonight’s bed time story on the most comfy place in the universe :]

Foods and memories ; and some essays *_*

image

Here’s one, and a bunch more.

It’s not about the food, it’s about the memories and moments we shared.

I’ve learned a lot during this journey. Having kind and brilliant coursemates,friends, close friends, very close-and-crazy buddies (Denah and Fiqah- oh I cant believe we’d come to this far! Love you!), awesome lecturers, everything..I appreciate them all. Not to mention, I’ve change a lot too – physically and mentally. Started to write publicly when I was in second year, and have to admit that it really made my days and years. Got to know some inspiring people and one of them is Pancasara which is now floated nowhere, I dont know. Anyway, Pancasara is a name that I’ll never forget :]

Found any future husband during these study years?

Hahahaha. Dream on. Haven’t found. Or maybe I spent all these years being a hardcore nerd, never had time for hunting. Haha but who knows? Life could never be expected.

The special, yes I had one. But it lies on the sky. Far away than I’m expected. I couldn’t even afford a branded telescope and yet I wish to touch it on the sky,up there. Let it continue shining and stay the way it is.

So, I’m leaving Kenyalang :] Hope we will fly proud like Kenyalang too. All the best, and thanks for the memories. Pray for me ♡♡♡

The best among the best person is who can give benefit to the others.

Happy new life!

Officially Over!

Okay, I can’t believe (seriously this is too fast for three years) that it was finally over. Finally! Alhamdulillah.The last paper was totally a killer. No lie! I never felt so fail, and hopeless like I felt during answering the question (oh, obviously I’m not really answering them, nothing more than craps I made up). But it’s okay, at least it can be a memorable way of finishing my degree study. No regret, I tried my very best and proud of it.

Walking together with the mates, long stare at the beautiful view of my dear campus, laughing and talking – how I wish to record every single bit of the last seconds here. A day left, and if someone asked you what is the last thing that you really want to do, or say – what could it be?

I don’t know why I become so sure about this – I think some of us will meet again at an intersection. As world is round, nothing is going to really meet its end. Epic words, haha but let’s believe on that.

So, have a good night, finally I can try to put myself under a deep and long sleep. Was planning something on this blog. The time is nearer, I wonder should or shouldn’t I continue with the plan. It is for everybody’s good anyway.

May this final leads to a better start. May this good bye leads to a new hello.

Merah, Putih dan Biru

Azan sudah sayup-sayup berkumandang. Memecah simpul kesunyian malam pekat. Langit itu akan berlatar merah, putih dan biru dalam beberapa jam lagi. Akal-akal itu pula akan bangun, memenuhi sebahagian dataran, menepis pahit manis mimpi lalu bangun bernafas lagi atas nama kehidupan. Atas nama Yang Menghidupkan, yang Maha Hidup.

Surat itu dia lipat dan disimpan kedalam sebuah sampul sebelum ditolaknya dalam-dalam kehujung laci usang itu. Biar jauh supaya tidak seorang pun yang bakal jumpa coretan sepi itu. Biar ditinggal sahaja sepi, kerana warkah itu sememangnya ialah penghambat sepi.

Tangannya meraba-raba lagi kedalam laci itu. Dapat dirasanya serbuk-serbuk kayu yang keguyuran dek keusangan atau mungkin sahaja anai-anai yang tidak lesu-lesu menjajah, dapat juga dirasanya batang-batang pen yang entah kurun keberapa dibiarkan terdampar di situ, ah..laci ini sudah terlalu lama menyimpan kenangan dan sejarah. Sudah terlalu lama juga tidak dikeluarkan dan dicuci. Mungkin baiknya begitu. Kadang yang usang itu cantik dan dekat di hati. Tangannya dipanjangkan lagi kedalam, sehingga menyentuh hujung dasar laci kayu itu.

Tiba-tiba tangannya terhenti tatkala merasakan ada sampul surat selain warkahnya itu. Tekstur sampulnya juga berlainan, mustahil ada orang lain selain dia yang dapat mengakses laci itu, tidak mungkin kerana laci itu sudah terlalu tidak menarik, sudah terlalu layak untuk dibiar tidak peduli. Ditariknya keluar sampul itu dengan berhati-hati.Hatinya berdebar.Sementara hujung langit itu masih berlatar jingga, dikoyaknya cermat sampul surat itu.

Warkahnya berbalas! Diulang bacanya berkali-kali. Warkah- warkah itu akhirnya bukan penghambat sepi lagi. Dan dia tertanya gerangan siapakah yang membalas tulisan itu. Adakah gelandangan seperti dia juga atau apa?

Lama dia termenung. Tidak. Gelandangan seperti dia tidak sepatutnya mengharap lebih. Dia tidak begitu merasa layak.

Kerana gelandangan yang merempat di tepian tidaklah begitu dilihat, dan yakin benar dia bahawa warkah itu hanyalah satu umpan, atau barangkali hanyalah mainan mimpi. Dan hujung langit itu tanpa sedar sudah beransur biru keputih-putihan.

soon

Realised that this canvas had been abandoned day by day.Haha.Not busy,better yet I’m struggling to carve one or two words outside this mind box, but everything seems weird and wrong. Yasmin Mogahed is true. She said:

Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it’s understood.

So, Alhamdulillah, in a day, everything will be ended. Two papers in a day, let’s ignore the intense it may bring because the joy and freedom at the end of it is incomparable to the struggles. Return to my root, to my hometown in just a few days more, I’m not excited as I’m supposed to. Not really. It is not that I sad of leaving here (that’s for sure, everybody will miss everything that had been created here), but there’s a worry that rose inside me, worry of living near to my beloved, at my own homeland. It is weird to feel it, but it is something that makes me think endlessly. Scared if I’m not good enough to be around them, if I’m over-following-my-heart-and-desire, if I will be insensitive, and on and on. To add more, I scared of what is the benefit that I could bring to them, could I be a beneficial person?

Started to think of migrating, backpacking around the globe, but we woman needs our own bodyguard before departing somewhere far.

Betrayed

Watched Maleficient two weeks ago, today I felt how Maleficient felt. I mean, I felt her during watching the movie but not until today when somehow I started to understand why she turned hateful, revenge-full, and mean after her wings were cut off.

It was a betrayal.

She was betrayed by the person she loves and trusts.  Nothing more awful than that, huh?It is hurt that a person rape out our trust that we gave on them. We thought we’d been trusted, we’re the best thing happened on them and it was like a bright spotlight that suddenly turned on right in front of our face. That shock, that disturbing moment -silently we’re broken into pieces and never did we will trust them again.

Well, I don’t even mind (I try) because after this, you’re only not more than an absent piece of dust.

It will never work out to give trust on random people. I should be aware on that earlier.