sleep deprivation

This morning  started out as usual. Just, maybe what makes it different is the sun. It seems to shine brighter and dazzle by the strong warmth. Sky looks like a blue and beautiful ocean and the rays disperse through the cloud cracks, forming another stunning reflection on the ground.

I forced myself to wake up after quality-less sleep last night. It has been more than a week since I couldn’t sleep at night. I don’t know what’s happening or what I was and am thinking, but they disturbed and stirred up my mind pretty bad.

Spending my last moment at UPM, being here in IBS. The place where I was once looked high and planted quite a good ambition, but ALLAH knows best. He really does. After finishing Kim Wei’s sample, which might take about two weeks (hopefully), then I am totally free.

I got two weeks more. Two weeks more..

p/s : gotta make myself busy and tired, hopefully tonight I can have my good sleep again.

Institute of Bioscience

29.11.2015

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“One day, you will get your dream job”

It was nearly midnight when I was re-tidying my resume. You know, I have been always seeking for a reliable answer for all those little questions that used to pop up in my mind. I’m seeking the best way to present myself in those freaking one-to-two pages; named resume or CV. Whether I should put up my photo (some said NEVER, some said MUST, so I was confused!) the best template and design, how and what to write etc. I’ve been thinking about one person who might answer that.

He is Ameirul Azraie. (Never heard bout him? No worries, Google will do) Go google now. 

One of the persons that I believe, he will has the answers that I needed. I was thinking, Ya Allah, it is good if I can meet him in person so that I can ask him whatever I want to know about job searching and resume.

And guess what?

Not more than 5 minutes, I saw a post on my Facebook timeline.

“Seminar of Job Hunting using Jobstreet and LinkedIn by Ameirul Azraie”. “Tomorrow”.“5 more peoples needed”. “Register now”.“Bangi” – oh great! I was at my sister’s house at Bangi.

I blinked my eyes as if it was a dream. After confirmed that it was real (haha!) I registered and pay for it online. For RM 3O only, I was happy like a small kid having an ice cream. Couldn’t be more grateful. Allah is indeed The Best Listener.

So, the next morning, I drove all the way to the stated venue and for the very first time, I met him face to face. God knows how, I met my Aquatic juniors too. They greeted and waved me “Kak Izni!” and I was like, “okay, great, who are them? Seemed familiar” haha and after using my skills of investigating, it was confirmed that they are my juniors. It was unexpected that among 10 participants included me, two of them are my juniors. I mean, what a small world.

Had a great time attending the 3 hours-course. He taught us the manners on how to make use of Jobstreet and LinkedIn to apply for a job position. My questions was answered, and returned home happy, rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

From the seminar, I learned that it is not how competence you’re in a particular field or how much work experiences you got, but more importantly is – how your inaudible attitude speaks about you. The way you represent yourself, and how you ‘sell’ what you got in you, is what will make them impress.

For anybody who’s struggling to settle for a job, do not lose hope. You have to keep believing and try your very best. One day, you will be finally manage to get your dream job, build a good base for yourself and on top of everything, you’ll be fine.

For now, just don’t lose hope. Cheers.

“Research and Me” story

Research field and me is like water and oil. Could never blend in no matter how strong you shake and mix it. I didn’t know how incompatible I am with Research until I discovered it myself recently. That’s the reason why I quitted my Master Degree. Haha. Yes, Izni quitted her Master. *applause*

It took me two sleepless nights just to think whether it is a good decision or not. I was thinking how could I voiced it to my perfectionist supervisor ( I dont want to just run away without telling her),what will she say to me, and how I’m gonna answer her and bla bla bla.

Then, I came to a decision. I don’t care. If it makes me unhappy, I will just quit. Fortunately, I’m not dragging myself too far, or else it would be too late. To make it short, she approved me. I can’t help but smiling all the day. The feeling was like..when you bumped into a fatal accident, and you helped the victim to come to the life again (with the power of Allah surely).

Now I’m far more happy with this life. I wasn’t expect that I would feel this happy. Even though there’s a thick mist I have to get through,still but enough said, I’m happy because at least I’m not engaged with research, protocol, and whatnot. All these make me suffocate.

I remembered how bold and innocent I was 4 or 5 years ago, when I had my very first job at a pump station nearby my home. I worked for 4 days before boldly met the manager (or supervisor, can’t remember)and told her that i will not come to work again tomorrow. I want to quit because I need to help my aunty with her kedai makan (lie! Lie! Haha).

You had no idea how tiring and incompatible I was with my very first job. I didn’t get any payment (dad always bragging this) but I don’t mind. As long as I quit the job and be happy again. Haha. That was a very childish deed don’t you think?

Since then, I have one thing to bear in mind. When I’m unhappy with a particular thing, I must do something. I will just do it.

Dear myself, you’re so lucky. I’m doing such a weird and shocking things just to make you happy and confident again to face life. Lucky you.

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Past midnight

Past midnight and it’s raining.

Seldom sleep late at night, usually I scheduled my bed time at 11 pm and was consistent ever since (even earlier!).

Starting today, I think I will not be able to sleep as earlier as before. Well, maybe I still can, but most likely..I dont think so. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Blame aging process. Yea, I think aging process hits me hard. Damn.

Today I’ve been sitting in front of my nearly-four-years-old-laptop all day long. I still can feel how my back pain when I tried to lie down. Finishing a paid-assignment and scrolling through jobstreet and other related webs.

I guess, tomorrow will be a huge day. I couldn’t do anything else except pray for the best and keep the positive thinking ahead. I pray to Allah The Almighty that this decision, is perhaps the best for me. After tomorrow, things won’t be the same anymore I believe.

If there’s a time to act as an adult and a mature being, this is the time. Tomorrow is the time.

Still raining. What a beautiful melody. But I need to sleep now, my rain. I will see the damp street you left and the fallen leaves you caused when the sun rise again tomorrow.

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I’ve been thinking about quitting.

Do you know how it feels when you’re confuse about life and its whereabouts? Do you know how hard it is to decide whether to stay or quit? It is hard to keep doing it yet so hard to leave. Should you stay or should you go? You have no idea, it keeps echoing inside your soul, it’s like trying to assume whether it is head or tail when you flipped up a coin. Assumption is bad. Assumption is bad.

While quitting often feels like a failure, change can be frightening, to stay make you unhappy, and to leave is something you can’t imagine. Thinking how good you will feel when you decided to leave, well, maybe you have the idea of quitting but you just didn’t sure about it. About how will everything goes after you quit. How world will be alike after you walk that sudden decision.

Quitting is not bad, my friend.

If you feel like you’re staying for the wrong reason, if you stay because of your fear rather than a faith; don’t be afraid to make a U-turn. Don’t be afraid to quit.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Do things that make you happy, if you’re not doing it, nobody will.

To me, this time, quitting is hard. It means I have to start everything all over again. I will be seen as a weak person on the eyes of everyone. Worst, I will have to hurt someone’s heart. I’m pretty sure I’ll be hurt too, but I think, quitting these would be a huge satisfaction. This time, I have to be selfish. Sarega is always right. Do it for yourself. It is you who’s living your life. I know this would be hard, but why not, if it worth it?

I hate decision.

You can toss your coin if it is hard for you to choose to stay or leave. What did you secretly wish for while the coin was mid-air or when you covered it? Go for what you’ve secretly wished.

As for me, I secretly wished to quit.

One down

Amazed how time really flies. Can you believe that we’re heading towards 2016? Ahh, time waits for no man.

November.

One of my best best friends is married! While me, still thinking which path I should walk in. Great.

So, even though I’m still couldn’t brain how we grew up this fast – and suddenly you’re married; well, congrats for both of you. May Allah showers you with His best blessings :]

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It's funny how we didn't change a bit

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You can’t help who you fall in love with

So, it has been ages since I last posted here. Nearly forgot that actually I own a space where I can write and rant on. I think my extreme fear slowly to show up real; that I slowly forgetting how to write. Yea, the fact is, I am not a keen writer anymore – no matter how keen I am to turn out as one. You know why writer write?

Because they are afraid to express their real feelings, that they are not comfortable to be their true self around peoples they know. So, they are good in writing because they think it is the best way to hide – they best express themselves in words. They seek satisfaction through it. Yes, some writer does. And uhm, I think part of me fell into that category too.

I don’t know how to describe life nowadays. You know what? I fell in love with someone that I’m not supposed to. Wait, how do we control with who we will fall in love? Is love is something that we can control? No.

To fall in love, is something we could never control. It happens, just like that. When you realised it, it was too late. You just fell, deeper.

In love.

You can’t help it.

 

 

“Life is simple, take it easy”

Life has been so great these days, which I felt like I was trapped in this maze. I was numbed, couldn’t see which way should I take and; decision – yeah the hell part of these mess. Not surprisingly, after these 23 years of living, making decision – still -, is something that I couldn’t master. What a shame.

I never met someone very lost other than me. If there’s any, let me know, so we could be friend and talk about how we felt. Because nobody, nobody understands me and they comfort me like they knew exactly what I’ve gone through.

Cut me open, I’m just a living mess.

I think, I will just live with it. “Life is simple, take it easy” someone was once said to me. I was nearly being fooled by that.

Perhaps one day, when I can get through all these, I will finally being able to see the real simplicity of life. The time will come.
Smoke-I