Have you ever felt like you hate your very self? You hate your surroundings, hate the busses, hate any sound, hate the people on earth, hate people’s mind, hate your own hypocrisy, hate your office and everything in it, hate normality, hate your routine, hate everyone’s behaviour, hate your own behaviour, your own attitude, your image, your over thinking habit, your over eating habit, your every.details.of yourself – you just HATE it. Hate everything, literally. Like you wanna curse everything that crossed your path.
I’m hating myself right now, so don’t talk to me because I’m not gonna like you when I don’t even like me.
Morning rain on Monday. Wearing blue to fight against Monday Blues. Final week of the month would be crazily hectic. I’m all prepared for that.
For the countless time, I walked in the midst of the rain – to my working place. Always forget to take my umbrella which I left at Bangi, it would only come to my mind on the day like this – like today.
Since I said I love rain, so I’m trying to walk in it. It feels..satisfying, and a kind of lonely feeling.
Bob Marley said it right. I’m gonna prove what I’m saying.
“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me” – Bob Marley.
So exhausted these days. Chris urged us to take our shortfalls down to zero or negative and send him our productivity report at the end of the working hour. I just bluntly stated my shortfalls. I don’t care, I’m so tired and not gonna stay up late at the office this week. I think my performance is not too bad, ranked among top 2, I think I’m doing good.
Felt like working like a machine.
Just need my bed, nothing else. and yeah, food. or hug or massage or vacation or whatever comforting.
Almost one year of staying here in this bustling city. Almost 2 years since my uni’s graduation, and me, about 2 months plus before turning into 24, for real.
Felt like yesterday when Mom left me alone in the middle of Bunga Raya college for me to handle everything because she had to chase her next flight home. Since then, I know – life is about standing on your own feet. No matter what, struggle for yourself because nobody ain’t do that. You want something? Go get it. Work for it. Perhaps the mantra what makes me myself now. Fiercely independent, stubborn, ridiculously emotional and crazily impatience (excuse the exaggeration but hell yes it is me in a few good words) – and perhaps that is why I don’t really depend on people. I was taught by experience, being far from home, all you need is your beautiful-self.
8 months of working here in this company has taught me a lot of things. Went in with totally zero knowledge and some amount of insecurities, now I think I’m growing stronger , more mature(?) and better in a lot of aspects. I learnt how to turn on friendly mode, and how to fake and hide my thoughts and smiles. haha. I learnt that not everything you have to convey, the most vital thing is to – listen and observe. Some thoughts are best kept in your mind box – and say something that make you look smart and professional. So, basically, I’m not ‘that’ childish in the office. Out of office – my inner child shine, so bright.
That’s all. Gotta move. Happy 8-months-of-working for me!
I wanted to write a lot more stories and thoughts, but let’s see if I have the right mood for that.