Welcoming Ramadhan 

Earlier today, I promised myself to stay back late at the office to finish up whatever things I have to finish. But since my head feels like exploding already, so plan cancelled. I need to settle them badly but whatever, I am tired. 

It has been 3 days since Cousin passed away, yet it feels like she’s still around. Pain of losing people we dearly love is…just unexplainable. I am at a loss for words.

Anyway, Ramadhan Mubarak! 

BMW guy

It is bright and hot afternoon. As usual, I spend my weekend at Domino’s, sitting at the same place with my laptop and stuffs, doing some works. I guess some of the staffs must had recognized me, especially the tall and skinny lady staff- as she once shooed me away because it was near closing time. It is freezing cold inside here, like really, I mean it FREEZING cold, but it is much better than being roasted outside, under the dazzling sun. So, I can say Domino’s has been my perfect sanctuary for most weekends.

Cousin was transferred out from ICU, few days ago. Tracheostomy was performed, she is still in coma, her body doesn’t react to any stimulation as of now. The Doctor said it is possibly a stroke, but nothing has been confirmed yet other than bacteria invasion in her pity brain. By right, she should have regained her consciousness a few weeks ago, but maybe she needs more time to do so. Being transferred out from ICU, for me is considered good enough. We, the families don’t know what to expect for now, we are just praying for a miracle. We started to re-bounce from the sudden shock, and fully understand it is out of our (us, human) control. Life goes on, so yeah..

Last night, when I was driving out from PJ, J called me.

It’s not that he stopped calling me after a few trillions time I pushed him away, he instead absorbed everything I did and keep calling me harder. To say he is crazy is understatement, but seriously, I can’t help myself from being irritated. When my phone rang, I reached my phone on the seat next to me, and while I saw his name on the screen –  and looked up again to drive, then I realized I was too near with the car in front of me, and quickly pushed the brake pedal but it was too late! I bumped into the car, freaking BMW car! It happened too fast, and I just remembered cursing myself from being so careless! Due to the collision (Thanks God I wasn’t speeding, otherwise I don’t know where I belong to now), the BMW got some minor, I say minor because really, nothing much other than a static horizontal scratch. So we stopped in the middle of traffic jam, a Chinese guy came out.

Not angry, but I can see how dull his face was. Even though I didn’t know how my face looked alike at that time, because I had no idea how to react in times like that, I apologized for nth times, and relieved it was just some scratches. I remembered I didn’t check on how my car was (Iriz must felt left out, sorry baby I know we are strong), soon after that I noticed there are some scratches on my car as well, but it is perfectly fine. No dent, no nothing.

The BMW guy took my number, and asked how I planned to do about it. I swear it was just MINOR, very minor scratch. No severe dent or what, just very minor. I remembered I said “it is just a minor scratch sir, I don’t think it would cost a lot. I will not run, I will be responsible”. And you know what he replied?

This is BMW, not a Proton (he referred to my local car model)”. He said while laughed sarcastically.

Nahhh, I lost my appetite to write anymore when I remembered his arrogant answer. J, and the BMW guy, I hate all.

Just FML.


The talk

“Izni, you have a lot of potential. You are young.  See, I soon will be totally moving to Event side, and you have a lot of new people here. You got chance to grow, Izni. What is your goal in this company? You’ve to have a goal”.

Had a great talk with C yesterday, I realised since I moved to my new place; we hadn’t get the chance to talk like we used to talk back then. I always like to talk to him among all the people here. It is just so comforting, that I think if he wants to quit working here, he could open up a counselling firm.  We just talked about M’s farewell dinner, until it dragged to a serious discussion, which I initiated it by “C, I am bored working here ”.

His first answer was –

Get married lah.

Funny C. I mean, why I need to get married? To be real honest, I have trust issue in marriage. I am afraid of getting married, no question about it. I am just afraid. Maybe I’m not ready yet for this time being, or maybe I will need to figure out about myself first before adding someone permanently in my life. I need to know the dos and don’ts when it involves my emotion & feeling. I can’t ‘fuck it, I will go for what I feel’, as sometimes world, sadly doesn’t always work out that way. Bloody fact.

But I know he was joking, and we laughed. What marriage can do when I bored working?

And he started to brag about my potential. Once in a while, having someone to tell you that you got potential, you can shine, and you can do this and that – it’s very inspiring.

When he asked me about my goal in this company, ah Goal..I used to have that. I don’t think I strongly consumed my then goal, if I did, I would never feel the shits I was feeling. Instead, I felt my current job was not taking me anywhere, a plain bullshit, and I was just doing whatever..for the sake of the stupid bills. I am a goal-person, so being goal-less really put me down.

“If you said you are bored, then do something about it. Go out meet people out there, connect to people, establish a strong networking, and make new friends. You do not necessarily to sit in the office all day long. Coming June 9th is my 11th anniversary; I love this company & job, that’s why I am still here”.

I nodded and we talked until it was 6.45 pm. I needed to go since it was too late.

It was a great talk; I agree to everything that he said, about work, about life and all. He is someone with wisdom. Needless to say, I feel motivated and have the gut again to face whatever I’m facing. Self-crisis is normal to me, and by talking and having someone to lift me up again is just what I need, sometimes.

How do I get married if me myself is a big mess? Marriage is not the only thing in life, so, chill.

Hungry, I think I will lunch alone at my favourite place. Got to go.  Till then.

Against all odds, I’ll be writing again!

To date, I stopped writing after my first article was published (that was quite a long time ago) due to what they called as ‘writer’s block’ and mostly yeah I’d admit it, I was so lazy to write anymore. I didn’t have the mood nor idea to write about. Sudden Microsoft Word failure in my laptop is the great catalyst I have to say. If I have a few thousands in my bank right now, I know I would go to purchase a MacBook now I promise! But okay, lemme just bear this for some times. I will go get it some day.

So, recently I’ve been wanting to be a freelance writer, as well as wanna make a comeback as a writer. I mean, not a blog writer (I am forever am!) but as a writer who publishes and contributes something to the society. The mood of writing has finally touched my inner soul again, and I deadly hungry to write again. I know it would be quite a challenge to write something good after a long time of hibernating but I will learn on how to improve my writing, of course through a massive reading. I will start building a stronger portfolio and I understand great things will surely take time (I’m in a process of building my online portfolio on Clippings but..am too shy to announce it. so I will shut up for the moment!).

Other than that, I am experiencing a huge urge to escape, and run from this daily numb routine. I know it sounds absurd but I’m eyeing on job opportunities oversea..like Switzerland? (Thanks to its heavenly beauty, but the standard of living there is damn high!). But when it comes to ‘what kind of job’ I wish to secure, everything turns back to reality. Yes, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just want to write, travel, read, eat & sleep.

So yeah, I’ll be writing again. That’s for certain. Expect my increasing post frequency, after all it’s my own personal blog so, I mean, who cares?


Life – 1, Me – 0

So, today the Doctor said, if there’s no improvement by tomorrow, tracheostomy has to be done to assist her breathing.

My best, closest cousin is now bedridden, in coma state on the ICU’s bed, barely live with all sorts of wires attached and God-knows-what machines she’s depending on. She is struggling for her life and I, whenever I stop doing whatever I’m doing I found myself praying hard for her life. Every single second.

I hardly fall asleep at night, thinking where is she now. What she’s feeling during the coma and wonder whether she plans to come back to life? Or whether she feels like trapped in a locked, concrete room, yelling but no one is able to reach her out?

I never expected things will go this way. It feels like yesterday when she made a fan out of a newspaper when the night weather was hot, to cool down my body whenever we slept together. A sweet, funny and kind person to be with. She is one of my special cousins since we grew up together, and shared a lot of things in common. Losing her..is unimaginable for me. Pretty please, not now. Things happened too fast, I am not even ready.

It brings me to tears when I heard her husband asked her mom to let Allah replaces my cousin’s place with him. It must be massive heart-wrenching to him.

After all, I don’t think I am strong like I claimed before. My heart felt too much and it aches like no one’s business.

We keep reminding ourselves that everything is indeed in Allah’s hand, so InsyaAllah, all is well.

Sometimes, I found myself whispering to her to be strong and fight whatever she’s facing now. I would tell her how we are here longing for her laughter and stories. Maybe, just maybe if she happened to listen to me she will get motivated and fight everything back again. We are praying for the best.

On the other note, I know why I don’t like people too much back then – because people leave.

People leave and life is short. I don’t like to engage too deep with people. I will just live with myself. If people want me, I will see it. If not, I will just be myself, backing off. Humbly live. Wandering, writing in rain and cursing how wrenching the loneliness is. Perhaps it would be better than seeing people leave, in whatever means.

Life 1, Izni 0.


This part of the world

Heavy rain in this part of the world. Night rain, we seldom get that (nowadays). And when it’s raining at night like now, other than feeling secure, it makes me reflect on a lot of things. One of them is about ‘Loss’.

Losing people we dearly love is a part and parcel in life. We loss people through death, separation, situation, misunderstanding, etc. But, surely losing through death is the most impactful one.

Being a strong person I am, I rarely cry whenever someone passed away except for my late grandmother (mom’s side). We were so closed and I remember vividly everything that we had experienced together. The inspirational talks, the fights, the jokes, motivation, our pillow talks and her joys when I told her how my studies went, in this heavy rain, my heart is heavy with the weight of missing her presence (but I know she is in a better place).

A few days before she passed away, she was bedridden and I visited her on that very day. I helped to set up the classic mosquito net for her and she said in Malay exactly like this “My grandchild is so good. It is lucky to have you” – and I – being the stupid, young ignorant me, just laughed and denied it politely. I should have talked with her for a longer time if I had known it was her last few days. I should’ve said something sweet or whatsoever to show how lucky I was (forever am) too, having her as my grandmother.

And a few months after, tears were still running down my cheek whenever I thought of her. A year or so after her death, our not-so-big family faced another few deaths. Among all, hers is still aching me.

Losing people through whatever means, I know there will be a designated area in your heart for that person. We still have them in our heart, like a box we keep somewhere on the rack. Whenever the feeling hits, we can always open the box and reminisce all the good old days again.

I am afraid of losing more, really. But I, somehow will dissappear from people and the world too, one fine day. It is all written by the Almighty.

Would you date yourself?

Found this question when I scrolled down Quora. Feel like wanna answer this question, but thinking that I am a neophyte at answering stuffs there, so here I am.

Would I date myself? Hell No. It would be so boring, and stagnant in every way. Plus, I don’t think I would like the way I am if I were in a relationship with my self!

Most often than not, I am insecure. I don’t have any problem with my self-esteem, but when it comes to relationship, the insecurity is real. I am afraid of every possible & impossible things. I overthink situation, I am scared of losing person that I love. I am envy. I am clingy sometimes. I need attention. I have different moods. I can be very open and friendly at one time, and change in split second to a cold, and fault-searching agent – and make a fuss out of nowhere and trigger a cold war or whatsoever depend on what I’m thinking. I will need my person to ask me how I am doing today, tell me how they feel about me, and convince me everyday about their feeling.

So, yeah. Nope, I wouldn’t date myself.  It would be a lot of works. lol. I prefer something different which compliment each sides. Differences make us unique and stronger. Differences make the world go round.