Life – 1, Me – 0

So, today the Doctor said, if there’s no improvement by tomorrow, tracheostomy has to be done to assist her breathing.

My best, closest cousin is now bedridden, in coma state on the ICU’s bed, barely live with all sorts of wires attached and God-knows-what machines she’s depending on. She is struggling for her life and I, whenever I stop doing whatever I’m doing I found myself praying hard for her life. Every single second.

I hardly fall asleep at night, thinking where is she now. What she’s feeling during the coma and wonder whether she plans to come back to life? Or whether she feels like trapped in a locked, concrete room, yelling but no one is able to reach her out?

I never expected things will go this way. It feels like yesterday when she made a fan out of a newspaper when the night weather was hot, to cool down my body whenever we slept together. A sweet, funny and kind person to be with. She is one of my special cousins since we grew up together, and shared a lot of things in common. Losing her..is unimaginable for me. Pretty please, not now. Things happened too fast, I am not even ready.

It brings me to tears when I heard her husband asked her mom to let Allah replaces my cousin’s place with him. It must be massive heart-wrenching to him.

After all, I don’t think I am strong like I claimed before. My heart felt too much and it aches like no one’s business.

We keep reminding ourselves that everything is indeed in Allah’s hand, so InsyaAllah, all is well.

Sometimes, I found myself whispering to her to be strong and fight whatever she’s facing now. I would tell her how we are here longing for her laughter and stories. Maybe, just maybe if she happened to listen to me she will get motivated and fight everything back again. We are praying for the best.

On the other note, I know why I don’t like people too much back then – because people leave.

People leave and life is short. I don’t like to engage too deep with people. I will just live with myself. If people want me, I will see it. If not, I will just be myself, backing off. Humbly live. Wandering, writing in rain and cursing how wrenching the loneliness is. Perhaps it would be better than seeing people leave, in whatever means.

Life 1, Izni 0.

Applause.