Talk

Having team sharing session today. MJ asked us, 2 seniors (I’m the most baby among 2) to share on how do we cope with target, rejections, and challenges we face all these while.

It was when I realised how much I like to encourage and motivate people, as much as I love to motivate my inner self to stay strong and perform.

I just like doing such talk. It is fresh. 

Friday has come to the end. Finally, I can rest after the chaos week. I am just tired in and out. 

A sky full of stars

I don’t care if I’m the loneliest human on earth as long as I have this kind of sky – and this kind of stars staring at me – and this kind of passing meteor – and this kind of milky way – and..even without all the beautiful kinds, when you’re lonely and alone, you have to accept it no matter what. Deal with it and enjoy the buzzing darkness and loneliness that surround you like a weird, dangerous and hungry predator from the dark sea floor.

I don’t care, go on and tear me apart, loneliness.


Selfish?

I arrived home at PJ in the midst of pitch black sky, before the dawn. Saw an Indian aunty walked carrying a bag, well, it’s a usual sight. Everybody seemed to catch on LRT, bus or whatnot to start off their day. Parked my car, unloaded my things after a few good days of respite..and was deadly shocked when the aunty appeared behind me out of nowhere. She ambushed me with some morning preach sounded like..

“Hey, next time when you wanna park at this hour, be sure to off your car light. You might flash into people’s house and they might get awake from sleep, plus it is too early”

Startled, I just replied ‘Oh I see”.

First, I was DEADLY shocked to be greeted suddenly at that hour.

Second, how do I drive without the light? How do I park? What if I bumped into the big van parked beside my car park space? I am sure it will cost higher than that to awake people from their deep sleep because of my innocent car light. Oh come on.

My metatarsus is still paining me. Hope it won’t get any worse because I need my sound feet to walk to my working place every single day.

Thinking about the morning preach given by the aunty..am I selfish? Do I need to really turn off the car light for the sake of the neighbours’ beauty sleep?

Long post about petty things

8 hours of working today felt like forever. Not sure was it because of the usual Monday Blues or because I will be on a long holiday at the end of this week. Maybe both.

It was even tiring to be around people and keep professional. It drained me out to communicate with people whenever i don’t feel like to. 

Out of all days, KC ; The Manager called me today. Since there were a bunch of new comers came in few months back, she said, she doesn’t want me to feel left out. I didn’t, even a bit, to be frank. She asked my opinion about the company’s situation, our department, her leadership style, the new comers’ personality, and if I am satisfied with my current salary and commission. 

Worst, she asked me to shift my place since we are expecting a new comer in April. I mean, that is my place since one year plus ago and sure it holds its own sentimental value. Ah, I will miss the place dearly and getting accustomed to a new desk, a new corner..well, lets just try to get used to it. I couldn’t insist to be there even though I really want to do so. Made me realised that in life, we can’t get everything we want. That philosophy aside, its just a change of place, Izni. So, chill.

I asked her if it would be possible for me to relocate to another branch and she said, sure. I just need to tell her when I want to do so, so that she can arrange for that. I didn’t expect that kind of reply, and knowing how easy it is for me to change to another branch, somehow made me relieved.

Returned to my rent apartment, my roommate ambushed me with stories. How our another housemate hid the kettle in her room, how she was kind of offended when my roommate refused to accompany her to the dobby. And another group of the housemates made up a gang, eating in their room like we are going to interfere with their food. I don’t really mind about these matters to be honest since I’m just care about myself but hey, that is wayyyy too childish. Like, come on girls, act like a grown up girl. 

Time like this, where I don’t really like crowd and people..how nice if I own a house and stay alone with people I dearly love who can bear with my seasonal personality. Speaking of which, who likes me anyway. Who can stay put with my odd self? Maybe I should just get married to myself. 

Finally got myself batteries for my old bluetooth keyboard. Hence this long post. I will be back in writing field InsyaAllah. This time, maybe I’ll focus more on academic topic instead of nonsense, mushy short stories like I did before. Lol. I can’t even re-read my old short stories. It feels erghh to the core. But for the sake of memory, I will keep them save. 

Till then. Just hope tomorrow will be better. 

Hopeless Prison

When it comes to Murakami’s books, I tend to take a longer time to finish. By ‘longer’ I mean, maybe more than 5 – 6 months since 1. I read books during selective weekend / night. 2. I love how he put things into picture until it seemed alive and as if the words themselves are talking to me hence I tend to have a lot of my kind-of- silent-moment upon his brilliant elaboration (I guess that what made him as a legendary writer). His words hit the right spot and yeah, he really is an excellent author no doubt about it.

In Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, when Tsukuru dreamt he was in a great jealousy for the first time in his life, Murakami successfully (at least in my view) inserted “jealousy” into a vivid frame. It just feels the same like what I sometimes feel and finally, I found the right word – most hopeless prison. Being in state of jealousy is like being in a hopeless prison that you stepped in yourself. No matter how suffocated you are in the prison, you insist to stay for some odd reasons.

“Jealousy—at least as far as he understood it from his dream—was the most hopeless prison in the world. Jealousy was not a place he was forced into by someone else, but a jail in which the inmate entered voluntarily, locked the door, and threw away the key. And not another soul in the world knew he was locked inside. Of course if he wanted to escape he could do so. The prison, was after all, his own heart. But he couldn’t make that decision. His heart was as hard as a stone wall. This was the very essence of jealousy.” 

..exactly !

19288239

to many more posts about his quotes.

Can I be on leave forever but still have money in my pocket?

I don’t feel like writing actually but lets try to describe what I was up to these few days.

Well, 4 days flew like nobody’s business, I had a great short escape and being away from work and terrible traffic..are just awesome. Nothing beats the feeling of being home. Besides the joy of overeating 😛 , I feel kinda recharged and motivated to continue whatever things I used to do..like the freaking making-money-routine.

It was quite different from my stay before. This time, I engaged with loads of old friends from secondary school & university. Friends from uni, no other name except Denah & Fiqah. We met at Penang, I supposed to attend my matriculation friend’s wedding but I don’t know why -we didn’t manage to do so. Hence, we strolled around the sunny Penang. We went to our favourite places & my wishlist-place to eat in Penang. We even went to Penang Hill and enjoyed the desserts there which is sooooo good.

Catched up with my old mates from secondary school which I lost contact since 10 years ago. Able to keep in touch again with a bunch of my good good friends and surprisingly, it didn’t feel too awkward as I imagined, maybe its because they were my closest friends back then so it felt comfortable and the chemistry between us lightened again. I think it is not that bad to expose a little bit of myself towards old friends and memories since you know, I am quite like a self-centered person since forever (and will always be).

Touched down KLIA around 12.30 in the morning, my sister from Bangi fetched me, had a short sleep and drove back PJ, now on my working desk writing this and definitely can’t wait until 5pm so that I can get my beauty sleep again. For now, lets pretend to be so fresh.

From left: Fiqah, Denah & me
ic
Hokkaido Ice Cream Puff! Mission accomplished 😀
The famous breakfast stall @ Transfer Road, Penang
One of the beautiful parts of Batu Feringghi!
my old classmates (2017). We were VERY close back then and the bond is still there! Everyone seems so fine 🙂

The Good Old Days 

8 years ago, I was one of the SPM candidates who wasn’t too nervous about my SPM result. I sat the exam at my second secondary school, a school where I, literally, started to learn on how to control myself from making whatever sauces I’m eating from spilling out on my school uniform. Lol, well that was pretty much sum up my sophomore age. 

I didn’t care much about anything in the world except –

1. Study really hard to be on top of my class, which uhm I actually did. School. Tuition. Revision. Read. EAT. Sleep. Repeat.

2. Begging my mom to buy my favourite Science magazine every week.

Wasn’t quite nervous on the day when the result was announced. I was all prepared to accept what’s coming my way since I knew I did my very best in everything. My parents are not “You better get a good result otherwise I’ll punish you” sorta parents. In fact, they are very cool when it comes to exam results. I remembered when I got the lowest mark ever in Arabic Language paper (I got 16/100, graded as..F? or maybe G I don’t know but it was really bad) – I thought they will be sad or look down on me but to my surprise they brought me to a good restaurant and treat me with a good meal as if I got the highest mark in every subject. 

I asked my mom why did she bring me to celebrate my failure. She answered, grade isn’t everything. She didn’t care how bad my grade was as long as I got the right attitude. Attitude and personality over grade, and always put the best effort in everything – the kind of thought are all rooted from her. I learned how to see things in a big picture not just grade on papers. 

Well, back to the result, out of 11 subjects, I got A for 8 of them. Satisfied and I applied for medic and got an offer at Egypt and an interview  in USM. Allah knows best, I wasn’t quite matured back then. I messed up the interview and decline the Egypt offer. (Grateful it happened since I just discovered that I chickened out when I see blood and wound!). 

That’s pretty much it. It’s just feel good remembering the good old days. 

Till then, my flight is calling. 

The Dark Hours

I woke up from the cold night; outside was still dark as I glanced from the thin curtain that covered the casement window in my bed room. In all ability, I forced myself to get up, turned on the water heater and my chill body started to turn warm as the hot water running down my skin. It is probably my most favorite feeling in the world, having hot water doing its magic – something I will always appreciate with my eyes closed, and a silent smile. It feels right, whatever the reason is. My housemates were all in a deep sleep, but after I finished my warm bath, each of them seemed to wake up, preparing for morning prayer and eventually starting off their day.

I realized it is the last day of this month, meaning that I have to meet my monthly target by today – by hook or by crook. I went to bed with this thing in my mind last night, and woke up with the same thing lingered around – perhaps that was the reason why I woke up earlier than the normal days. I’m worry, in an insecure word. Usually while taking my morning bath, I stare into the mirror and talk to myself, eye to eye. I will say something like “Don’t ruin your day”, “You can do this”, “Whatever happens, just face it calmly”, “Everything will be fine”,  “There should be a way out from this problem” and “Go out and roar” sorta saying – at least it makes me a little more confident and had my mind set throughout the day (It works like magic, for me).

And with that..I started off my day today, confidently. Everything seemed so fine, so far.

What and who I don’t like

1. Drinking coffee. (I enjoy the aromatic smell though).

2. Tofu

3. Runny eggs

4. Hot-tempered human being.

5. Low confident level

5. Negative minded people

6. Lack of sleep

7. Ironing clothes

8. Relentless routine

9. Hypocrite people (who likes them anyway?)

10. Liars

11. Lizard. Lizard. Lizard.

12. Cartoon.

13. When people make some damages to my books.

14. Bossy people and those who feel like they have all the power in the world (but they have not).

15. Feeling of lost (I always feel this during my early 20s).

16. Going to hospital / clinic in times of sick or healthy.

17. Taking medicine, especially the big tablets.

18. Sleeping with light on.

19. Routine & being sedentary

20. Carrot

21. Cat (yes, you heard it right).

PJ sky

The blue PJ sky started to turn black. Thunderstorm and lightning  started to showcase their fiesta. Time shown on my cracked Samsung Note 2 screen is exactly at 5.02 pm. I’m pretty sure by now all the office workers here at Phileo are rushing back since we know what it will lead to if rain starts to pour. Heavy traffic jammed, heavier than the rain. I had experienced it when one day I drove to work. It took me about 1 hour plus to reach home compared to normal day which only take about 10 minutes! Since then, I’ll think twice before deciding to drive. 

And I’m still here, don’t care about the harsh weather. I will walk with my broken umbrella and enjoy the city peak hours.

That’s all I wanna write. Just feel like writing.

*PJ – Petaling Jaya