Welcoming Ramadhan 

Earlier today, I promised myself to stay back late at the office to finish up whatever things I have to finish. But since my head feels like exploding already, so plan cancelled. I need to settle them badly but whatever, I am tired. 

It has been 3 days since Cousin passed away, yet it feels like she’s still around. Pain of losing people we dearly love is…just unexplainable. I am at a loss for words.

Anyway, Ramadhan Mubarak! 

Against all odds, I’ll be writing again!

To date, I stopped writing after my first article was published (that was quite a long time ago) due to what they called as ‘writer’s block’ and mostly yeah I’d admit it, I was so lazy to write anymore. I didn’t have the mood nor idea to write about. Sudden Microsoft Word failure in my laptop is the great catalyst I have to say. If I have a few thousands in my bank right now, I know I would go to purchase a MacBook now I promise! But okay, lemme just bear this for some times. I will go get it some day.

So, recently I’ve been wanting to be a freelance writer, as well as wanna make a comeback as a writer. I mean, not a blog writer (I am forever am!) but as a writer who publishes and contributes something to the society. The mood of writing has finally touched my inner soul again, and I deadly hungry to write again. I know it would be quite a challenge to write something good after a long time of hibernating but I will learn on how to improve my writing, of course through a massive reading. I will start building a stronger portfolio and I understand great things will surely take time (I’m in a process of building my online portfolio on Clippings but..am too shy to announce it. so I will shut up for the moment!).

Other than that, I am experiencing a huge urge to escape, and run from this daily numb routine. I know it sounds absurd but I’m eyeing on job opportunities oversea..like Switzerland? (Thanks to its heavenly beauty, but the standard of living there is damn high!). But when it comes to ‘what kind of job’ I wish to secure, everything turns back to reality. Yes, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just want to write, travel, read, eat & sleep.

So yeah, I’ll be writing again. That’s for certain. Expect my increasing post frequency, after all it’s my own personal blog so, I mean, who cares?

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This part of the world

Heavy rain in this part of the world. Night rain, we seldom get that (nowadays). And when it’s raining at night like now, other than feeling secure, it makes me reflect on a lot of things. One of them is about ‘Loss’.

Losing people we dearly love is a part and parcel in life. We loss people through death, separation, situation, misunderstanding, etc. But, surely losing through death is the most impactful one.

Being a strong person I am, I rarely cry whenever someone passed away except for my late grandmother (mom’s side). We were so closed and I remember vividly everything that we had experienced together. The inspirational talks, the fights, the jokes, motivation, our pillow talks and her joys when I told her how my studies went, in this heavy rain, my heart is heavy with the weight of missing her presence (but I know she is in a better place).

A few days before she passed away, she was bedridden and I visited her on that very day. I helped to set up the classic mosquito net for her and she said in Malay exactly like this “My grandchild is so good. It is lucky to have you” – and I – being the stupid, young ignorant me, just laughed and denied it politely. I should have talked with her for a longer time if I had known it was her last few days. I should’ve said something sweet or whatsoever to show how lucky I was (forever am) too, having her as my grandmother.

And a few months after, tears were still running down my cheek whenever I thought of her. A year or so after her death, our not-so-big family faced another few deaths. Among all, hers is still aching me.

Losing people through whatever means, I know there will be a designated area in your heart for that person. We still have them in our heart, like a box we keep somewhere on the rack. Whenever the feeling hits, we can always open the box and reminisce all the good old days again.

I am afraid of losing more, really. But I, somehow will dissappear from people and the world too, one fine day. It is all written by the Almighty.

Would you date yourself?

Found this question when I scrolled down Quora. Feel like wanna answer this question, but thinking that I am a neophyte at answering stuffs there, so here I am.

Would I date myself? Hell No. It would be so boring, and stagnant in every way. Plus, I don’t think I would like the way I am if I were in a relationship with my self!

Most often than not, I am insecure. I don’t have any problem with my self-esteem, but when it comes to relationship, the insecurity is real. I am afraid of every possible & impossible things. I overthink situation, I am scared of losing person that I love. I am envy. I am clingy sometimes. I need attention. I have different moods. I can be very open and friendly at one time, and change in split second to a cold, and fault-searching agent – and make a fuss out of nowhere and trigger a cold war or whatsoever depend on what I’m thinking. I will need my person to ask me how I am doing today, tell me how they feel about me, and convince me everyday about their feeling.

So, yeah. Nope, I wouldn’t date myself.  It would be a lot of works. lol. I prefer something different which compliment each sides. Differences make us unique and stronger. Differences make the world go round.

Kit Kat person

I am forever a Kit Kat person rather than a Ferrero Rocher fan. Got a packet full of this guilty pleasue from my colleague yesterday, and now I can’t even put my head center from looking at it in my drawer. 

My little secret dream – to have a lotssss of Kit Kat within my reach : checked!

*Now lemme figure out how to lose weight with this ultimate temptation. Ugh.

Storm

What a horrific way to end April. I’m drowning in work, still have a lot of stuffs to settle down. I can’t bring home all the works since I left my laptop at Bangi, and working through phone is a big no no. I just realized that I forgot to prepare the sample projects that should be sent to the Philippines’ team! Just what I was thinking? With hundreds of email to go, basic target, enquiries and keep making call (while getting mad at in between, well I’m well adapted), it seemed like an endless task.

I don’t know how to face tomorrow. Gotta complete everything in one shot, beautifully and gracefully – come rain or shine. And tomorrow, AB will take his leave, but never did he leaves my mind. *cough*.

Mom & dad are also coming! I am excited! Missing them dearly. 

Hope things go well. Just pray that I come out alive from tomorrow’s storm.

Till then.

I know I am!

Talk

Having team sharing session today. MJ asked us, 2 seniors (I’m the most baby among 2) to share on how do we cope with target, rejections, and challenges we face all these while.

It was when I realised how much I like to encourage and motivate people, as much as I love to motivate my inner self to stay strong and perform.

I just like doing such talk. It is fresh. 

Friday has come to the end. Finally, I can rest after the chaos week. I am just tired in and out. 

A sky full of stars

I don’t care if I’m the loneliest human on earth as long as I have this kind of sky – and this kind of stars staring at me – and this kind of passing meteor – and this kind of milky way – and..even without all the beautiful kinds, when you’re lonely and alone, you have to accept it no matter what. Deal with it and enjoy the buzzing darkness and loneliness that surround you like a weird, dangerous and hungry predator from the dark sea floor.

I don’t care, go on and tear me apart, loneliness.


Selfish?

I arrived home at PJ in the midst of pitch black sky, before the dawn. Saw an Indian aunty walked carrying a bag, well, it’s a usual sight. Everybody seemed to catch on LRT, bus or whatnot to start off their day. Parked my car, unloaded my things after a few good days of respite..and was deadly shocked when the aunty appeared behind me out of nowhere. She ambushed me with some morning preach sounded like..

“Hey, next time when you wanna park at this hour, be sure to off your car light. You might flash into people’s house and they might get awake from sleep, plus it is too early”

Startled, I just replied ‘Oh I see”.

First, I was DEADLY shocked to be greeted suddenly at that hour.

Second, how do I drive without the light? How do I park? What if I bumped into the big van parked beside my car park space? I am sure it will cost higher than that to awake people from their deep sleep because of my innocent car light. Oh come on.

My metatarsus is still paining me. Hope it won’t get any worse because I need my sound feet to walk to my working place every single day.

Thinking about the morning preach given by the aunty..am I selfish? Do I need to really turn off the car light for the sake of the neighbours’ beauty sleep?

Long post about petty things

8 hours of working today felt like forever. Not sure was it because of the usual Monday Blues or because I will be on a long holiday at the end of this week. Maybe both.

It was even tiring to be around people and keep professional. It drained me out to communicate with people whenever i don’t feel like to. 

Out of all days, KC ; The Manager called me today. Since there were a bunch of new comers came in few months back, she said, she doesn’t want me to feel left out. I didn’t, even a bit, to be frank. She asked my opinion about the company’s situation, our department, her leadership style, the new comers’ personality, and if I am satisfied with my current salary and commission. 

Worst, she asked me to shift my place since we are expecting a new comer in April. I mean, that is my place since one year plus ago and sure it holds its own sentimental value. Ah, I will miss the place dearly and getting accustomed to a new desk, a new corner..well, lets just try to get used to it. I couldn’t insist to be there even though I really want to do so. Made me realised that in life, we can’t get everything we want. That philosophy aside, its just a change of place, Izni. So, chill.

I asked her if it would be possible for me to relocate to another branch and she said, sure. I just need to tell her when I want to do so, so that she can arrange for that. I didn’t expect that kind of reply, and knowing how easy it is for me to change to another branch, somehow made me relieved.

Returned to my rent apartment, my roommate ambushed me with stories. How our another housemate hid the kettle in her room, how she was kind of offended when my roommate refused to accompany her to the dobby. And another group of the housemates made up a gang, eating in their room like we are going to interfere with their food. I don’t really mind about these matters to be honest since I’m just care about myself but hey, that is wayyyy too childish. Like, come on girls, act like a grown up girl. 

Time like this, where I don’t really like crowd and people..how nice if I own a house and stay alone with people I dearly love who can bear with my seasonal personality. Speaking of which, who likes me anyway. Who can stay put with my odd self? Maybe I should just get married to myself. 

Finally got myself batteries for my old bluetooth keyboard. Hence this long post. I will be back in writing field InsyaAllah. This time, maybe I’ll focus more on academic topic instead of nonsense, mushy short stories like I did before. Lol. I can’t even re-read my old short stories. It feels erghh to the core. But for the sake of memory, I will keep them save. 

Till then. Just hope tomorrow will be better.