The talk

“Izni, you have a lot of potential. You are young.  See, I soon will be totally moving to Event side, and you have a lot of new people here. You got chance to grow, Izni. What is your goal in this company? You’ve to have a goal”.

Had a great talk with C yesterday, I realised since I moved to my new place; we hadn’t get the chance to talk like we used to talk back then. I always like to talk to him among all the people here. It is just so comforting, that I think if he wants to quit working here, he could open up a counselling firm.  We just talked about M’s farewell dinner, until it dragged to a serious discussion, which I initiated it by “C, I am bored working here ”.

His first answer was –

Get married lah.

Funny C. I mean, why I need to get married? To be real honest, I have trust issue in marriage. I am afraid of getting married, no question about it. I am just afraid. Maybe I’m not ready yet for this time being, or maybe I will need to figure out about myself first before adding someone permanently in my life. I need to know the dos and don’ts when it involves my emotion & feeling. I can’t ‘fuck it, I will go for what I feel’, as sometimes world, sadly doesn’t always work out that way. Bloody fact.

But I know he was joking, and we laughed. What marriage can do when I bored working?

And he started to brag about my potential. Once in a while, having someone to tell you that you got potential, you can shine, and you can do this and that – it’s very inspiring.

When he asked me about my goal in this company, ah Goal..I used to have that. I don’t think I strongly consumed my then goal, if I did, I would never feel the shits I was feeling. Instead, I felt my current job was not taking me anywhere, a plain bullshit, and I was just doing whatever..for the sake of the stupid bills. I am a goal-person, so being goal-less really put me down.

“If you said you are bored, then do something about it. Go out meet people out there, connect to people, establish a strong networking, and make new friends. You do not necessarily to sit in the office all day long. Coming June 9th is my 11th anniversary; I love this company & job, that’s why I am still here”.

I nodded and we talked until it was 6.45 pm. I needed to go since it was too late.

It was a great talk; I agree to everything that he said, about work, about life and all. He is someone with wisdom. Needless to say, I feel motivated and have the gut again to face whatever I’m facing. Self-crisis is normal to me, and by talking and having someone to lift me up again is just what I need, sometimes.

How do I get married if me myself is a big mess? Marriage is not the only thing in life, so, chill.

Hungry, I think I will lunch alone at my favourite place. Got to go.  Till then.

Against all odds, I’ll be writing again!

To date, I stopped writing after my first article was published (that was quite a long time ago) due to what they called as ‘writer’s block’ and mostly yeah I’d admit it, I was so lazy to write anymore. I didn’t have the mood nor idea to write about. Sudden Microsoft Word failure in my laptop is the great catalyst I have to say. If I have a few thousands in my bank right now, I know I would go to purchase a MacBook now I promise! But okay, lemme just bear this for some times. I will go get it some day.

So, recently I’ve been wanting to be a freelance writer, as well as wanna make a comeback as a writer. I mean, not a blog writer (I am forever am!) but as a writer who publishes and contributes something to the society. The mood of writing has finally touched my inner soul again, and I deadly hungry to write again. I know it would be quite a challenge to write something good after a long time of hibernating but I will learn on how to improve my writing, of course through a massive reading. I will start building a stronger portfolio and I understand great things will surely take time (I’m in a process of building my online portfolio on Clippings but..am too shy to announce it. so I will shut up for the moment!).

Other than that, I am experiencing a huge urge to escape, and run from this daily numb routine. I know it sounds absurd but I’m eyeing on job opportunities oversea..like Switzerland? (Thanks to its heavenly beauty, but the standard of living there is damn high!). But when it comes to ‘what kind of job’ I wish to secure, everything turns back to reality. Yes, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just want to write, travel, read, eat & sleep.

So yeah, I’ll be writing again. That’s for certain. Expect my increasing post frequency, after all it’s my own personal blog so, I mean, who cares?

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Life – 1, Me – 0

So, today the Doctor said, if there’s no improvement by tomorrow, tracheostomy has to be done to assist her breathing.

My best, closest cousin is now bedridden, in coma state on the ICU’s bed, barely live with all sorts of wires attached and God-knows-what machines she’s depending on. She is struggling for her life and I, whenever I stop doing whatever I’m doing I found myself praying hard for her life. Every single second.

I hardly fall asleep at night, thinking where is she now. What she’s feeling during the coma and wonder whether she plans to come back to life? Or whether she feels like trapped in a locked, concrete room, yelling but no one is able to reach her out?

I never expected things will go this way. It feels like yesterday when she made a fan out of a newspaper when the night weather was hot, to cool down my body whenever we slept together. A sweet, funny and kind person to be with. She is one of my special cousins since we grew up together, and shared a lot of things in common. Losing her..is unimaginable for me. Pretty please, not now. Things happened too fast, I am not even ready.

It brings me to tears when I heard her husband asked her mom to let Allah replaces my cousin’s place with him. It must be massive heart-wrenching to him.

After all, I don’t think I am strong like I claimed before. My heart felt too much and it aches like no one’s business.

We keep reminding ourselves that everything is indeed in Allah’s hand, so InsyaAllah, all is well.

Sometimes, I found myself whispering to her to be strong and fight whatever she’s facing now. I would tell her how we are here longing for her laughter and stories. Maybe, just maybe if she happened to listen to me she will get motivated and fight everything back again. We are praying for the best.

On the other note, I know why I don’t like people too much back then – because people leave.

People leave and life is short. I don’t like to engage too deep with people. I will just live with myself. If people want me, I will see it. If not, I will just be myself, backing off. Humbly live. Wandering, writing in rain and cursing how wrenching the loneliness is. Perhaps it would be better than seeing people leave, in whatever means.

Life 1, Izni 0.

Applause.

This part of the world

Heavy rain in this part of the world. Night rain, we seldom get that (nowadays). And when it’s raining at night like now, other than feeling secure, it makes me reflect on a lot of things. One of them is about ‘Loss’.

Losing people we dearly love is a part and parcel in life. We loss people through death, separation, situation, misunderstanding, etc. But, surely losing through death is the most impactful one.

Being a strong person I am, I rarely cry whenever someone passed away except for my late grandmother (mom’s side). We were so closed and I remember vividly everything that we had experienced together. The inspirational talks, the fights, the jokes, motivation, our pillow talks and her joys when I told her how my studies went, in this heavy rain, my heart is heavy with the weight of missing her presence (but I know she is in a better place).

A few days before she passed away, she was bedridden and I visited her on that very day. I helped to set up the classic mosquito net for her and she said in Malay exactly like this “My grandchild is so good. It is lucky to have you” – and I – being the stupid, young ignorant me, just laughed and denied it politely. I should have talked with her for a longer time if I had known it was her last few days. I should’ve said something sweet or whatsoever to show how lucky I was (forever am) too, having her as my grandmother.

And a few months after, tears were still running down my cheek whenever I thought of her. A year or so after her death, our not-so-big family faced another few deaths. Among all, hers is still aching me.

Losing people through whatever means, I know there will be a designated area in your heart for that person. We still have them in our heart, like a box we keep somewhere on the rack. Whenever the feeling hits, we can always open the box and reminisce all the good old days again.

I am afraid of losing more, really. But I, somehow will dissappear from people and the world too, one fine day. It is all written by the Almighty.

Would you date yourself?

Found this question when I scrolled down Quora. Feel like wanna answer this question, but thinking that I am a neophyte at answering stuffs there, so here I am.

Would I date myself? Hell No. It would be so boring, and stagnant in every way. Plus, I don’t think I would like the way I am if I were in a relationship with my self!

Most often than not, I am insecure. I don’t have any problem with my self-esteem, but when it comes to relationship, the insecurity is real. I am afraid of every possible & impossible things. I overthink situation, I am scared of losing person that I love. I am envy. I am clingy sometimes. I need attention. I have different moods. I can be very open and friendly at one time, and change in split second to a cold, and fault-searching agent – and make a fuss out of nowhere and trigger a cold war or whatsoever depend on what I’m thinking. I will need my person to ask me how I am doing today, tell me how they feel about me, and convince me everyday about their feeling.

So, yeah. Nope, I wouldn’t date myself.  It would be a lot of works. lol. I prefer something different which compliment each sides. Differences make us unique and stronger. Differences make the world go round.

Port Dickson for the nth time

So, the story began when mom and dad came here for a short vacay. We were in 4 since adik went for her netball competition (she was in an extreme jealousy :P). Despite the super hot weather, we insisted to go to Port Dickson, booked an apartment online and had a good stay for one night. Since all the hotel and apartment which face the sea were all sold out, having this kind of view (pic below) from our balcony is great enough!

Great short escape, had a great talk and laugh.

..and great foods.

Spaghetti with black paper & garlic broth

So simple, and satisfying ♡♡

I love this kind of simple food. Such a minimalistic! It is just water, onion, garlic (I love garlic!), sprinkle of salts, a tablespoon of oyster sauce, cabbage and broccoli – and yes, spaghetti or angel hair of course. 

*Long weekend has come to the end. Will get back in work starting tomorrow, sure it would be a tough week since I just have 4 days to meet my monthly target. This coming May onwards, things will be a little bit different, in some aspects. I will have to brace myself, keep calm and just go with the flow. All will be fine.

Just follow the flow, just follow the flow…Promise.

Welcome back!

This site is back on air. After some spring-cleaning, and a moment of hibernating I just hope the posts here would be more matured. 

You know, in life there are times where you hate yourself for being you, or feel like you’re such a waste of space, or being so damn insecure about things around you but guess what? Life goes on, with you or without you. It is perfectly fine to feel that way once in a while, but don’t forget to return and love yourself even more harder. If you don’t love yourself, who else will?

Till then! 

A sky full of stars

I don’t care if I’m the loneliest human on earth as long as I have this kind of sky – and this kind of stars staring at me – and this kind of passing meteor – and this kind of milky way – and..even without all the beautiful kinds, when you’re lonely and alone, you have to accept it no matter what. Deal with it and enjoy the buzzing darkness and loneliness that surround you like a weird, dangerous and hungry predator from the dark sea floor.

I don’t care, go on and tear me apart, loneliness.


Selfish?

I arrived home at PJ in the midst of pitch black sky, before the dawn. Saw an Indian aunty walked carrying a bag, well, it’s a usual sight. Everybody seemed to catch on LRT, bus or whatnot to start off their day. Parked my car, unloaded my things after a few good days of respite..and was deadly shocked when the aunty appeared behind me out of nowhere. She ambushed me with some morning preach sounded like..

“Hey, next time when you wanna park at this hour, be sure to off your car light. You might flash into people’s house and they might get awake from sleep, plus it is too early”

Startled, I just replied ‘Oh I see”.

First, I was DEADLY shocked to be greeted suddenly at that hour.

Second, how do I drive without the light? How do I park? What if I bumped into the big van parked beside my car park space? I am sure it will cost higher than that to awake people from their deep sleep because of my innocent car light. Oh come on.

My metatarsus is still paining me. Hope it won’t get any worse because I need my sound feet to walk to my working place every single day.

Thinking about the morning preach given by the aunty..am I selfish? Do I need to really turn off the car light for the sake of the neighbours’ beauty sleep?