Before lunch

An hour to go before lunch.

I am getting hungry faster these few days (pi-em-es) and by feeling hungry, I can’t focus on anything (work, obviously) and went back and forth to the pantry to find some snacks. Someone put a box of Black Earl Grey Tea and I decided to try.

Not a fan of Earl Grey Tea because well, it’s expensive and I seldom try one. But after I tried the black tea, I fell in love with the fragrance and it has a beautiful tea essence if you get what I mean.  Even without sugar (I rarely drink tea with sugar) it tastes perfectly nice! So nice that I think I will grab a box if I find it anywhere.

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While waiting for lunch, I feast on biscuits while reading Quora.

In the meanwhile, I just can’t wait to see AB. Missing him since the entire time. 3 days away and why am I nervous?

 

Ramadhan is leaving

The King of all the Months is slowly departing us. 3 more days before Eid, I am reflecting on my Ramadhan journey. Was it good enough, did I take it for granted, or what changes has it brings / impacts me.

I stumbled upon an article from Virtual Mosque website and this one paragraph right here is too good not to share, so here it is:

We end this month with the intention to continue fasting, praying and doing good. Ramadan is a month of change that is meant to give us a spiritual cleansing that will last us the whole year. The virtues of fasting and praying do not end after we celebrate Eid; rather, Eid should be the beginning of a new chapter for us to continue doing the habits we started in Ramadan. We can continue reading the Qur’an, fasting Mondays and Thursdays, or the White Days (the 13th-15th of each lunar month), and we can pray the night prayers every night (or once a week).

We’ve tasted the sweetness of standing during the night; we’ve tasted the sweetness of raising our hands to Allah (swt) in supplication; we’ve tasted the sweetness of breaking our fast after a long day; we’ve tasted the sweetness of giving charity.

Continuing these habits after Ramadan may be difficult, but now you know that you can do it. The sacrifices we’ve made during this month to take full advantage of it have shown us that developing good habits and a strong spiritual relationship with Allah (swt) is not out of our reach. We’ve done it, so now can we continue it? One of the great past scholars, ibn Rajab (ra) says: “Be cautious of returning to enslavement after having been freed.”

So we ask Allah (swt), the One who guided us to worship Him in Ramadan, to help us continue in our worship and good deeds. Remember that Ramadan has left us but the One who created this month will never leave. He is Living and His reward is Everlasting.

This time around, suffice to say that this Ramadhan is a calm and peaceful one, for me personally (for several reasons). I learned to change some things (slowly but surely) in myself and I owed this noble month for teaching me to develop my patience.

I was (still 40% am) a big impatient person since the entire time, always do and want things in hurry like I was in an undefined war. I’m allergic to waiting. I don’t like slow things and slow people, and procedures, protocols and shit-load more things that might induce the sleeping demon inside me to wake up. I understand that we can demand all the things in this whole planet, work into it day in and day out but sometimes we forget that it is The One who decides.

Hence, it makes me think that, there is no need to hassle or claim my dissatisfaction or whatsoever because you know, what’s bound to happen will find its way, somehow. Overall, I can feel myself developing into a more matured being. Not saying a fully matured, but at least in several significant aspects. Well, to be honest I am still an immature, pre-mature 25 years old lady in many (MANY) ways but yeah, in some aspects, my maturity is improving. Maybe it’s just me having a weird delusion, but whatever, anyway.

With this full-of- lessons-month is leaving us, I hope and pray that we would never stop from learning towards betterment. I pray all the deeds we planted during Ramadhan can be a shady, fruitful tree for us in the hereafter. We make mistakes because we are human, hey obviously. But I believe there is always a room for improvement.

Be kind, be generous, don’t take people for granted, be positive and motivated, and be the best version of yourself.

This is a rather long post undeniably, thanks for those who read until the full stop. You know who you are, stay awesome.

 

BMW guy

It is bright and hot afternoon. As usual, I spend my weekend at Domino’s, sitting at the same place with my laptop and stuffs, doing some works. I guess some of the staffs must had recognized me, especially the tall and skinny lady staff- as she once shooed me away because it was near closing time. It is freezing cold inside here, like really, I mean it FREEZING cold, but it is much better than being roasted outside, under the dazzling sun. So, I can say Domino’s has been my perfect sanctuary for most weekends.

Cousin was transferred out from ICU, few days ago. Tracheostomy was performed, she is still in coma, her body doesn’t react to any stimulation as of now. The Doctor said it is possibly a stroke, but nothing has been confirmed yet other than bacteria invasion in her pity brain. By right, she should have regained her consciousness a few weeks ago, but maybe she needs more time to do so. Being transferred out from ICU, for me is considered good enough. We, the families don’t know what to expect for now, we are just praying for a miracle. We started to re-bounce from the sudden shock, and fully understand it is out of our (us, human) control. Life goes on, so yeah..

Last night, when I was driving out from PJ, J called me.

It’s not that he stopped calling me after a few trillions time I pushed him away, he instead absorbed everything I did and keep calling me harder. To say he is crazy is understatement, but seriously, I can’t help myself from being irritated. When my phone rang, I reached my phone on the seat next to me, and while I saw his name on the screen –  and looked up again to drive, then I realized I was too near with the car in front of me, and quickly pushed the brake pedal but it was too late! I bumped into the car, freaking BMW car! It happened too fast, and I just remembered cursing myself from being so careless! Due to the collision (Thanks God I wasn’t speeding, otherwise I don’t know where I belong to now), the BMW got some minor, I say minor because really, nothing much other than a static horizontal scratch. So we stopped in the middle of traffic jam, a Chinese guy came out.

Not angry, but I can see how dull his face was. Even though I didn’t know how my face looked alike at that time, because I had no idea how to react in times like that, I apologized for nth times, and relieved it was just some scratches. I remembered I didn’t check on how my car was (Iriz must felt left out, sorry baby I know we are strong), soon after that I noticed there are some scratches on my car as well, but it is perfectly fine. No dent, no nothing.

The BMW guy took my number, and asked how I planned to do about it. I swear it was just MINOR, very minor scratch. No severe dent or what, just very minor. I remembered I said “it is just a minor scratch sir, I don’t think it would cost a lot. I will not run, I will be responsible”. And you know what he replied?

This is BMW, not a Proton (he referred to my local car model)”. He said while laughed sarcastically.

Nahhh, I lost my appetite to write anymore when I remembered his arrogant answer. J, and the BMW guy, I hate all.

Just FML.

 

Against all odds, I’ll be writing again!

To date, I stopped writing after my first article was published (that was quite a long time ago) due to what they called as ‘writer’s block’ and mostly yeah I’d admit it, I was so lazy to write anymore. I didn’t have the mood nor idea to write about. Sudden Microsoft Word failure in my laptop is the great catalyst I have to say. If I have a few thousands in my bank right now, I know I would go to purchase a MacBook now I promise! But okay, lemme just bear this for some times. I will go get it some day.

So, recently I’ve been wanting to be a freelance writer, as well as wanna make a comeback as a writer. I mean, not a blog writer (I am forever am!) but as a writer who publishes and contributes something to the society. The mood of writing has finally touched my inner soul again, and I deadly hungry to write again. I know it would be quite a challenge to write something good after a long time of hibernating but I will learn on how to improve my writing, of course through a massive reading. I will start building a stronger portfolio and I understand great things will surely take time (I’m in a process of building my online portfolio on Clippings but..am too shy to announce it. so I will shut up for the moment!).

Other than that, I am experiencing a huge urge to escape, and run from this daily numb routine. I know it sounds absurd but I’m eyeing on job opportunities oversea..like Switzerland? (Thanks to its heavenly beauty, but the standard of living there is damn high!). But when it comes to ‘what kind of job’ I wish to secure, everything turns back to reality. Yes, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just want to write, travel, read, eat & sleep.

So yeah, I’ll be writing again. That’s for certain. Expect my increasing post frequency, after all it’s my own personal blog so, I mean, who cares?

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Would you date yourself?

Found this question when I scrolled down Quora. Feel like wanna answer this question, but thinking that I am a neophyte at answering stuffs there, so here I am.

Would I date myself? Hell No. It would be so boring, and stagnant in every way. Plus, I don’t think I would like the way I am if I were in a relationship with my self!

Most often than not, I am insecure. I don’t have any problem with my self-esteem, but when it comes to relationship, the insecurity is real. I am afraid of every possible & impossible things. I overthink situation, I am scared of losing person that I love. I am envy. I am clingy sometimes. I need attention. I have different moods. I can be very open and friendly at one time, and change in split second to a cold, and fault-searching agent – and make a fuss out of nowhere and trigger a cold war or whatsoever depend on what I’m thinking. I will need my person to ask me how I am doing today, tell me how they feel about me, and convince me everyday about their feeling.

So, yeah. Nope, I wouldn’t date myself.  It would be a lot of works. lol. I prefer something different which compliment each sides. Differences make us unique and stronger. Differences make the world go round.

Hopeless Prison

When it comes to Murakami’s books, I tend to take a longer time to finish. By ‘longer’ I mean, maybe more than 5 – 6 months since 1. I read books during selective weekend / night. 2. I love how he put things into picture until it seemed alive and as if the words themselves are talking to me hence I tend to have a lot of my kind-of- silent-moment upon his brilliant elaboration (I guess that what made him as a legendary writer). His words hit the right spot and yeah, he really is an excellent author no doubt about it.

In Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, when Tsukuru dreamt he was in a great jealousy for the first time in his life, Murakami successfully (at least in my view) inserted “jealousy” into a vivid frame. It just feels the same like what I sometimes feel and finally, I found the right word – most hopeless prison. Being in state of jealousy is like being in a hopeless prison that you stepped in yourself. No matter how suffocated you are in the prison, you insist to stay for some odd reasons.

“Jealousy—at least as far as he understood it from his dream—was the most hopeless prison in the world. Jealousy was not a place he was forced into by someone else, but a jail in which the inmate entered voluntarily, locked the door, and threw away the key. And not another soul in the world knew he was locked inside. Of course if he wanted to escape he could do so. The prison, was after all, his own heart. But he couldn’t make that decision. His heart was as hard as a stone wall. This was the very essence of jealousy.” 

..exactly !

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to many more posts about his quotes.

Fate is like sandstorm

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

-From my all-time favorite author Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore).

Whole wheat fusili

It just came to my mind to buy this whole wheat pasta (this week is fusili) and make it as a star for my lunch box. What’s the difference between the normal (white) & whole wheat pasta? Well, the whole scientific explanation you can always google that but in short, it lies on their processing method which make them hold different nutritional benefits. It’s just the same concept with the white & brown rice. While some people complaining the flavorless of the whole wheat foods, strangely I found them quite unique and acceptable on my taste bud ; not too say very delicious, it would sound hypocrite but yes, I can eat them for a long term period.

So, until I get bored – this is it – Garlic Fusili with potatoes & broccoli. I swear this is a damn easy recipe. You just need:

  1. Garlic (2-3 cloves)
  2. Olive oil
  3. Salt & black paper
  4. Anything you wanna add (chicken, veggies, prawn, egg, just to name a few)

It is a low calorie meal & the taste is sooo good. You gotta try it!

2016 in review

  1. 2016 is a struggle year for me. A struggle to find my own path, to really discover what I’m gonna do with my life-and I fought hard, and somehow was able to see a little sunshine at the end of that dark tunnel.
  2. Early 2016, I’ve done something unexpected. I totally quit my Master Degree because I don’t really like the idea of it. It is a decision that I’ll never forget. That would be an evergreen record in my life, remembering how far I can go just to make myself happy again.
  3. When reality hits me hard, I realized I should be playing a ‘role’ in this very society. It was when I started to push myself to search for a job to make a better living. I decided to stay longer in one place, and see the potential it brings.
  4. ..and I did. I stayed in this current company for like uhm 10 months now. Such a huge achievement of myself! (Instead of my 3-days-working experience back then 5-6 years ago 😛 )
  5. After 5 months of working, I bought a decent car, Alhamdulillah. The process of buying the car was somehow..weird and unexpected though. After my beloved Kancil lost when I parked around my apartment (I miss you buddy!), my sister’s car involved in an accident. So, we had no transport for quite some times (since we’re not in Kedah), hence I was thinking to buy one, and the next morning, I took Uber straight to the Car Showroom Centre. I was eyeing this particular car, and decided to buy it on the spot. I settled all the documents needed, and within 3 days, I got my first car after 24 years old. And all the process of buying the car, all by myself. Alone. But I enjoyed the experience well!
  6. Started to learn how to say NO. Well, this is something that I’m still trying to master. I’m an easy person, so anything that doesn’t harm me I tend to just say Yes. But you know, there are some things in life you should say No to.
  7. Most importantly, I know I grew so much in this year. With all the the things that I got through along this year, I believe I have become a stronger person in every aspect. I started to have a stable foundation of self-confident, I believe in myself when people around me refused to. I love myself more, and I do the best for myself.
  8. I knew someone that I think I wanna settle down with. But there would be a great challenge ahead if I decided to do so. I don’t really know if I can cope with what’s coming, but yeah let’s see.
  9. With about 15 minutes before my birthdate, Happy 24th Bithday for me! I’m still busy with my working stuffs during this hour, but I love it, so no issue 😀
  10. These past 2 years were great. I would never forget all those journey.

With that, let the saying of Nayyirah Waheed stirs up your soul for a while:

“if
the ocean
can calm itself,
so can you.
we
are both
salt water
mixed with
air”.

  {I don’t really get why – we are both salt water mixed with air- but I love this quote so much! It connects me to something..to ocean? Idk.}