The talk

“Izni, you have a lot of potential. You are young.  See, I soon will be totally moving to Event side, and you have a lot of new people here. You got chance to grow, Izni. What is your goal in this company? You’ve to have a goal”.

Had a great talk with C yesterday, I realised since I moved to my new place; we hadn’t get the chance to talk like we used to talk back then. I always like to talk to him among all the people here. It is just so comforting, that I think if he wants to quit working here, he could open up a counselling firm.  We just talked about M’s farewell dinner, until it dragged to a serious discussion, which I initiated it by “C, I am bored working here ”.

His first answer was –

Get married lah.

Funny C. I mean, why I need to get married? To be real honest, I have trust issue in marriage. I am afraid of getting married, no question about it. I am just afraid. Maybe I’m not ready yet for this time being, or maybe I will need to figure out about myself first before adding someone permanently in my life. I need to know the dos and don’ts when it involves my emotion & feeling. I can’t ‘fuck it, I will go for what I feel’, as sometimes world, sadly doesn’t always work out that way. Bloody fact.

But I know he was joking, and we laughed. What marriage can do when I bored working?

And he started to brag about my potential. Once in a while, having someone to tell you that you got potential, you can shine, and you can do this and that – it’s very inspiring.

When he asked me about my goal in this company, ah Goal..I used to have that. I don’t think I strongly consumed my then goal, if I did, I would never feel the shits I was feeling. Instead, I felt my current job was not taking me anywhere, a plain bullshit, and I was just doing whatever..for the sake of the stupid bills. I am a goal-person, so being goal-less really put me down.

“If you said you are bored, then do something about it. Go out meet people out there, connect to people, establish a strong networking, and make new friends. You do not necessarily to sit in the office all day long. Coming June 9th is my 11th anniversary; I love this company & job, that’s why I am still here”.

I nodded and we talked until it was 6.45 pm. I needed to go since it was too late.

It was a great talk; I agree to everything that he said, about work, about life and all. He is someone with wisdom. Needless to say, I feel motivated and have the gut again to face whatever I’m facing. Self-crisis is normal to me, and by talking and having someone to lift me up again is just what I need, sometimes.

How do I get married if me myself is a big mess? Marriage is not the only thing in life, so, chill.

Hungry, I think I will lunch alone at my favourite place. Got to go.  Till then.

Storm

What a horrific way to end April. I’m drowning in work, still have a lot of stuffs to settle down. I can’t bring home all the works since I left my laptop at Bangi, and working through phone is a big no no. I just realized that I forgot to prepare the sample projects that should be sent to the Philippines’ team! Just what I was thinking? With hundreds of email to go, basic target, enquiries and keep making call (while getting mad at in between, well I’m well adapted), it seemed like an endless task.

I don’t know how to face tomorrow. Gotta complete everything in one shot, beautifully and gracefully – come rain or shine. And tomorrow, AB will take his leave, but never did he leaves my mind. *cough*.

Mom & dad are also coming! I am excited! Missing them dearly. 

Hope things go well. Just pray that I come out alive from tomorrow’s storm.

Till then.

I know I am!

Talk

Having team sharing session today. MJ asked us, 2 seniors (I’m the most baby among 2) to share on how do we cope with target, rejections, and challenges we face all these while.

It was when I realised how much I like to encourage and motivate people, as much as I love to motivate my inner self to stay strong and perform.

I just like doing such talk. It is fresh. 

Friday has come to the end. Finally, I can rest after the chaos week. I am just tired in and out. 

Long post about petty things

8 hours of working today felt like forever. Not sure was it because of the usual Monday Blues or because I will be on a long holiday at the end of this week. Maybe both.

It was even tiring to be around people and keep professional. It drained me out to communicate with people whenever i don’t feel like to. 

Out of all days, KC ; The Manager called me today. Since there were a bunch of new comers came in few months back, she said, she doesn’t want me to feel left out. I didn’t, even a bit, to be frank. She asked my opinion about the company’s situation, our department, her leadership style, the new comers’ personality, and if I am satisfied with my current salary and commission. 

Worst, she asked me to shift my place since we are expecting a new comer in April. I mean, that is my place since one year plus ago and sure it holds its own sentimental value. Ah, I will miss the place dearly and getting accustomed to a new desk, a new corner..well, lets just try to get used to it. I couldn’t insist to be there even though I really want to do so. Made me realised that in life, we can’t get everything we want. That philosophy aside, its just a change of place, Izni. So, chill.

I asked her if it would be possible for me to relocate to another branch and she said, sure. I just need to tell her when I want to do so, so that she can arrange for that. I didn’t expect that kind of reply, and knowing how easy it is for me to change to another branch, somehow made me relieved.

Returned to my rent apartment, my roommate ambushed me with stories. How our another housemate hid the kettle in her room, how she was kind of offended when my roommate refused to accompany her to the dobby. And another group of the housemates made up a gang, eating in their room like we are going to interfere with their food. I don’t really mind about these matters to be honest since I’m just care about myself but hey, that is wayyyy too childish. Like, come on girls, act like a grown up girl. 

Time like this, where I don’t really like crowd and people..how nice if I own a house and stay alone with people I dearly love who can bear with my seasonal personality. Speaking of which, who likes me anyway. Who can stay put with my odd self? Maybe I should just get married to myself. 

Finally got myself batteries for my old bluetooth keyboard. Hence this long post. I will be back in writing field InsyaAllah. This time, maybe I’ll focus more on academic topic instead of nonsense, mushy short stories like I did before. Lol. I can’t even re-read my old short stories. It feels erghh to the core. But for the sake of memory, I will keep them save. 

Till then. Just hope tomorrow will be better. 

Shortfall

So exhausted these days. Chris urged us to take our shortfalls down to zero or negative and send him our productivity report at the end of the working hour. I just bluntly stated my shortfalls. I don’t care, I’m so tired and not gonna stay up late at the office this week. I think my performance is not too bad, ranked among top 2, I think I’m doing good. 

Felt like working like a machine.

Just need my bed, nothing else. and yeah, food. or hug or massage or vacation or whatever comforting.

A plain soul claimed for its right

The reasons why I hardly write. Okay that sounds like a lazy person who justifies why she didn’t produce any writing. Judgement aside, it’s true, there are some reasons why I hardly write nowadays regardless how crazy my soul rotting for it.

I didn’t mean to blame my work schedule. But the shit just got real, I’ve been so tired of making money to pay for the stupid bills. I love the job, but I’m dying from sitting all day long and repeating the same routine. The job is good, undeniable. This is the longest period of working I’ve ever experienced. Everytime I come back from work, I turn into a wilt spinach. Some ‘lucky’ days, I will just sleep from 8.30 pm to 7.30 am on the next morning and start my work routine again. Writing in between these situation? Hell no.

My sister and I- we exchanged our laptops. Her laptop has no Microsoft word, Kingsoft Office is not working. If I wanna write something, I will have to open up my OneNote account which requires internet – which I always tend to drift away – end up watching Bizarre Food by Andrew Zimmern on YouTube (or make-up tutorials which I’ve never tried). Writing on phone? I don’t like it.

I guess those 2 are the major reasons why. Anyhow, I still want to write. I have a tonne of story to tell, I don’t want this plain soul anymore, I want to write like I used to.

that means..I have to find a way to be back on track.

Can time stops for a while?

No, time can’t be stopped. Clock is ticking, time is running.

I don’t know what to do. I’m still figure out how to reach 50% of my target by this Friday as I made the promise to Chris. Chris said he understood that I took MC for 3 days but when he kinda forced me to achieve it, I think he doesn’t really understand..

How could I achieve 50% of my target while I just started work 3 days ago? Come on, let’s have some common sense.

By hook or by crook, I have to achieve it. But how? Can time stops for a while? So that I can breath and think wisely for a while? In the meantime, I just wanna lie down like this..straighten my back bone.

50%, come fast to me!

Update (25/07/2016) 

I managed to achieve 55% of my target. Don’t know if time was really stopped or the effect of my over-positive-thinking was that powerful. Alhamdulillah, anyway. 5 days left to achieve 100%. Make it easy for me Ya Allah.

Morning rain

Morning rain in PJ.

I reached Kajang Bus Station around 10.30 pm last night. It was a dizzy ride, I felt like vomiting.

Came out from my sister’s house to my ‘nest’ quite late. We overslept, and right after I woke up, I drove alone in the pitch black dawn. First day of working after a-two-weeks holiday. I have a lot of things to catch up. Target is chasing me, I am hoping I can cope it well. Not achieving my monthly target would mean less pocket money for my Indonesia’s trip.

p/s : Did my dressing earlier this morning. It was a mess.  My phone was barred this morning. When on earth I can go out to pay for it? Why out of so many times, my phone was barred today?

Confirmation

I’ve been waiting and praying for this:

image

Alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah! KC just handed this to me today, and she asked me if I’m okay with her and the whole company. I nodded yes. And I asked her back, is she okay with me? Well, that was unplanned. She is my Country Manager, what I’m thinking?

She said for now, yeah she’s okay. Actually I’m okay if she or anybody else is not okay with me. I don’t care. I have a stack of confidences to live by my own. (Ah, izni being cocky, just kidding, lets be good with each other!)

Just received our QMS Score later today. It was my first time receiving it as a permanent staff. The score is not bad though, I think I scored well. I will get my car on Friday and will be going to Kedah by Saturday. I might have to embrace myself for any over-tired feeling. Some more, tomorrow is the last day of the month, still have to work on my monthly target. I still need to fill up the self-evaluation form, KC urged me to submit it before I left for raya leaves.

Near midnight, hopefully every prayers of us will be granted, may us be a better slave of HIM tomorrow onwards, InsyaAllah.