Personal, Thoughts, Work

What’s happening?

Today started off just like every other day. Pretty normal, rushed to do my breakfast on the kitchen counter while glancing at the clock displayed on my cracked screen phone, which sometimes it crossed my mind to change this baby to a new Samsung S8, my forever crush – but that would cost me nearly 5k, which is a big, bold No No for now. I would rather use the money to travel or whatsoever, but anyway, breakfast went well. I walked out quite early remembering all of my unfinished tasks in the office. I tried to finish it last night but Fizah kept sitting beside me, observing every single movement I made on my laptop. Lol.

Then, weird things started to happen.

When I was walking, I realised I forgot my water bottle (if you know me, water bottle is like my twin, so me forgetting it, seemed..kinda unusual) . Not just that, I also forgot my charger and my wireless headphone started to beep; showing its flat battery. So, it was a silent walk, without music. Beautiful morning nonetheless.

KC, my Manager emailed me yesterday that Christine, the Marketing Manager wanted to observe me doing my work. She is in Marketing, I couldn’t fathom why she needs to know about my work, but anyway I agreed. Who am I to disagree with KC? It would be a futile argument if I protest. We agreed that she will sit beside me starting from 10 am.

It was 10 am and she didn’t show up. I went to her place and confidently asked “Christine, it’s 10 am, you are going to sit beside me, right?”, Then she looked kinda blur..and YZ in front of her seat said “Erm, I think Christine went to the Singapore office for a training today”. I looked at Christine (as in my assumption)..and realized she is not Christine! I mistook her as Christine because their figure and all are seriously alike. I know Christine, and even talked to her some time ago. Then, I replied “Ouh really? I thought she will have a session with me? How come she went to Singapore?”, then I just thanked them and walked to my desk. I was so embarrassed, why I mistook Joanna as Christine. Shame!

I sat on my chair and emailed KC about the matter. I replied with something like “YZ informed me that Christine went to Singapore, maybe we can arrange some other time when she’s back”. Confident. Sent.

It just happened that I re-read her email, and guess what; it supposed to be on this coming Friday. Not freaking today. What I was hassling about? Then I sent the email back to KC telling her that I thought it is today. Double shame.

I mean, what’s wrong with me? Things couldn’t get weirder than this!

..and this earl grey tea to calm me down. Still can’t move on.

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Personal, Rant, Work

Even more rants

This week has been so hectic. Too much things to do within short times. Felt like I almost lost my grip but I left with no choice but to continue hanging on. Passed my job evaluation and we are now in a new fiscal year. A memo sent by our Country Manager saying that our salary will only be deposited at the last day of the month starting this month pissed me off quite badly. I am disappointed and even raised this issue during my job evaluation. And my Manager calmly replied with “So, you have to control to avoid overspending”. I was like, don’t teach me on this, lady. She continued, “..but that doesn’t mean you wanna resign, right?”. 

Well, I can’t really say it. 

Manager gave a few feedbacks on my performance along my working period and asked me if I have any more things to raised up. The fact that she didn’t treat me fair enough few months back – the thought was just lingered around at the back of my mind alas it never passed my mouth. I knew she was trying to give N chance but why everytime when it comes to me, she treated me as if I am capable of everything in the world? I mean, giving people so many chances in certain things but still no change or improvement, what’s the damn point?

And the event things, you know it will be happening in coming August, just why on earth you didn’t highlight the tasks at the very early stage? Now it’s 2 weeks away and it is such a big mess when you push us to get the number up. With the crazy client’s enquiries piling up on me, and increasing of my target shortfalls daily, I just can’t wait for all these things to end. Not sure if I can walk out alive after all the storms ended. 

Paid my roadtax and I am literally broke now. Haha! Iriz is now a year plus already and to be honest, owning a car this fast had never crossed my mind after I graduated. I was kind of person who used to believe I should buy a house first, then a car. But I realised it is not easy and I couldn’t imagine living without transportation. So, whatever. Car first, house later. Car is a need, not a “want” anymore in this 21st century. 

Fizah is taking care of me like a baby, really. Everyday, she will ask me what I want to eat (she wants to cook & eat with me, using most of her groceries, leaving mine unused) and if I come home late, she will ask my whereabouts. She told me she is happy being with me. I am happy too, but sometimes it is tiring. 

I am glad when someone finds me comforting to be around. She really feed me well. I remembered she always cook me dishes with cockles just because she knew it is my fav! She has been too kind and I have no idea what I’d done to deserve that kind of treat. But still, sometimes I found it “restricted” if you know what I mean. 

Even with all the chaos, I still find myself feeling lonely. It is never wrong to admit that you’re lonely because its legit. It is not a low self esteem, nope. Not even pathetic. Loneliness is real and I kinda tired of being lonely. Me too longing for someone to lean on during good and bad times, to listen to all what I’ve got to rant at the end of my day. So, yeah. Even with all the luxuries Adam had back then in the Jannah, he still felt incomplete without his Eve. 

With that, I think this is the longest post in this month (or in this year?). 

Adios.

Can’t wait to get a dose (or two or moree) of this Thai Iced Tea during weekend. It soothes my stress! I love it unconditionally. So good I can’t explain it! ♡♡♡

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Personal, Work

Evaluation  

Sleepy but still wide awake, fresh. I am nervous thinking about my upcoming job evaluation. I know KC will come to me very soon and surprise me with my evaluation date. Submitted my form that is full of myself. I have to write good good things about myself and needless to say it is quite some pages. I am good at this just so you know.

I hope to deliver the best and be the best version of myself during the evaluation. I really hope things will go very well because I need my salary increment so bad. Ok I’m materialistic a bit but whatever, I believe I’ll excel! 

I’ll roar! 

Ok. Enough Izni, try to sleep. Calm down the butterflies in your stomach and dive deep into your dreams. Night! 

p.s – Exactly 15 days left. I am nervous for that too! 

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Personal, Thoughts, Work

The talk

“Izni, you have a lot of potential. You are young.  See, I soon will be totally moving to Event side, and you have a lot of new people here. You got chance to grow, Izni. What is your goal in this company? You’ve to have a goal”.

Had a great talk with C yesterday, I realised since I moved to my new place; we hadn’t get the chance to talk like we used to talk back then. I always like to talk to him among all the people here. It is just so comforting, that I think if he wants to quit working here, he could open up a counselling firm.  We just talked about M’s farewell dinner, until it dragged to a serious discussion, which I initiated it by “C, I am bored working here ”.

His first answer was –

Get married lah.

Funny C. I mean, why I need to get married? To be real honest, I have trust issue in marriage. I am afraid of getting married, no question about it. I am just afraid. Maybe I’m not ready yet for this time being, or maybe I will need to figure out about myself first before adding someone permanently in my life. I need to know the dos and don’ts when it involves my emotion & feeling. I can’t ‘fuck it, I will go for what I feel’, as sometimes world, sadly doesn’t always work out that way. Bloody fact.

But I know he was joking, and we laughed. What marriage can do when I bored working?

And he started to brag about my potential. Once in a while, having someone to tell you that you got potential, you can shine, and you can do this and that – it’s very inspiring.

When he asked me about my goal in this company, ah Goal..I used to have that. I don’t think I strongly consumed my then goal, if I did, I would never feel the shits I was feeling. Instead, I felt my current job was not taking me anywhere, a plain bullshit, and I was just doing whatever..for the sake of the stupid bills. I am a goal-person, so being goal-less really put me down.

“If you said you are bored, then do something about it. Go out meet people out there, connect to people, establish a strong networking, and make new friends. You do not necessarily to sit in the office all day long. Coming June 9th is my 11th anniversary; I love this company & job, that’s why I am still here”.

I nodded and we talked until it was 6.45 pm. I needed to go since it was too late.

It was a great talk; I agree to everything that he said, about work, about life and all. He is someone with wisdom. Needless to say, I feel motivated and have the gut again to face whatever I’m facing. Self-crisis is normal to me, and by talking and having someone to lift me up again is just what I need, sometimes.

How do I get married if me myself is a big mess? Marriage is not the only thing in life, so, chill.

Hungry, I think I will lunch alone at my favourite place. Got to go.  Till then.

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Personal, Rant, Work

Storm

What a horrific way to end April. I’m drowning in work, still have a lot of stuffs to settle down. I can’t bring home all the works since I left my laptop at Bangi, and working through phone is a big no no. I just realized that I forgot to prepare the sample projects that should be sent to the Philippines’ team! Just what I was thinking? With hundreds of email to go, basic target, enquiries and keep making call (while getting mad at in between, well I’m well adapted), it seemed like an endless task.

I don’t know how to face tomorrow. Gotta complete everything in one shot, beautifully and gracefully – come rain or shine. And tomorrow, AB will take his leave, but never did he leaves my mind. *cough*.

Mom & dad are also coming! I am excited! Missing them dearly. 

Hope things go well. Just pray that I come out alive from tomorrow’s storm.

Till then.

I know I am!

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Personal, Rant, Work

Talk

Having team sharing session today. MJ asked us, 2 seniors (I’m the most baby among 2) to share on how do we cope with target, rejections, and challenges we face all these while.

It was when I realised how much I like to encourage and motivate people, as much as I love to motivate my inner self to stay strong and perform.

I just like doing such talk. It is fresh. 

Friday has come to the end. Finally, I can rest after the chaos week. I am just tired in and out. 

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Personal, Rant, Thoughts, Work

Long post about petty things

8 hours of working today felt like forever. Not sure was it because of the usual Monday Blues or because I will be on a long holiday at the end of this week. Maybe both.

It was even tiring to be around people and keep professional. It drained me out to communicate with people whenever i don’t feel like to. 

Out of all days, KC ; The Manager called me today. Since there were a bunch of new comers came in few months back, she said, she doesn’t want me to feel left out. I didn’t, even a bit, to be frank. She asked my opinion about the company’s situation, our department, her leadership style, the new comers’ personality, and if I am satisfied with my current salary and commission. 

Worst, she asked me to shift my place since we are expecting a new comer in April. I mean, that is my place since one year plus ago and sure it holds its own sentimental value. Ah, I will miss the place dearly and getting accustomed to a new desk, a new corner..well, lets just try to get used to it. I couldn’t insist to be there even though I really want to do so. Made me realised that in life, we can’t get everything we want. That philosophy aside, its just a change of place, Izni. So, chill.

I asked her if it would be possible for me to relocate to another branch and she said, sure. I just need to tell her when I want to do so, so that she can arrange for that. I didn’t expect that kind of reply, and knowing how easy it is for me to change to another branch, somehow made me relieved.

Returned to my rent apartment, my roommate ambushed me with stories. How our another housemate hid the kettle in her room, how she was kind of offended when my roommate refused to accompany her to the dobby. And another group of the housemates made up a gang, eating in their room like we are going to interfere with their food. I don’t really mind about these matters to be honest since I’m just care about myself but hey, that is wayyyy too childish. Like, come on girls, act like a grown up girl. 

Time like this, where I don’t really like crowd and people..how nice if I own a house and stay alone with people I dearly love who can bear with my seasonal personality. Speaking of which, who likes me anyway. Who can stay put with my odd self? Maybe I should just get married to myself. 

Finally got myself batteries for my old bluetooth keyboard. Hence this long post. I will be back in writing field InsyaAllah. This time, maybe I’ll focus more on academic topic instead of nonsense, mushy short stories like I did before. Lol. I can’t even re-read my old short stories. It feels erghh to the core. But for the sake of memory, I will keep them save. 

Till then. Just hope tomorrow will be better. 

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Personal, Work

Shortfall

So exhausted these days. Chris urged us to take our shortfalls down to zero or negative and send him our productivity report at the end of the working hour. I just bluntly stated my shortfalls. I don’t care, I’m so tired and not gonna stay up late at the office this week. I think my performance is not too bad, ranked among top 2, I think I’m doing good. 

Felt like working like a machine.

Just need my bed, nothing else. and yeah, food. or hug or massage or vacation or whatever comforting.

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Rant, Thoughts, Work

A plain soul claimed for its right

The reasons why I hardly write. Okay that sounds like a lazy person who justifies why she didn’t produce any writing. Judgement aside, it’s true, there are some reasons why I hardly write nowadays regardless how crazy my soul rotting for it.

I didn’t mean to blame my work schedule. But the shit just got real, I’ve been so tired of making money to pay for the stupid bills. I love the job, but I’m dying from sitting all day long and repeating the same routine. The job is good, undeniable. This is the longest period of working I’ve ever experienced. Everytime I come back from work, I turn into a wilt spinach. Some ‘lucky’ days, I will just sleep from 8.30 pm to 7.30 am on the next morning and start my work routine again. Writing in between these situation? Hell no.

My sister and I- we exchanged our laptops. Her laptop has no Microsoft word, Kingsoft Office is not working. If I wanna write something, I will have to open up my OneNote account which requires internet – which I always tend to drift away – end up watching Bizarre Food by Andrew Zimmern on YouTube (or make-up tutorials which I’ve never tried). Writing on phone? I don’t like it.

I guess those 2 are the major reasons why. Anyhow, I still want to write. I have a tonne of story to tell, I don’t want this plain soul anymore, I want to write like I used to.

that means..I have to find a way to be back on track.

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