Hopeless Prison

When it comes to Murakami’s books, I tend to take a longer time to finish. By ‘longer’ I mean, maybe more than 5 – 6 months since 1. I read books during selective weekend / night. 2. I love how he put things into picture until it seemed alive and as if the words themselves are talking to me hence I tend to have a lot of my kind-of- silent-moment upon his brilliant elaboration (I guess that what made him as a legendary writer). His words hit the right spot and yeah, he really is an excellent author no doubt about it.

In Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, when Tsukuru dreamt he was in a great jealousy for the first time in his life, Murakami successfully (at least in my view) inserted “jealousy” into a vivid frame. It just feels the same like what I sometimes feel and finally, I found the right word – most hopeless prison. Being in state of jealousy is like being in a hopeless prison that you stepped in yourself. No matter how suffocated you are in the prison, you insist to stay for some odd reasons.

“Jealousy—at least as far as he understood it from his dream—was the most hopeless prison in the world. Jealousy was not a place he was forced into by someone else, but a jail in which the inmate entered voluntarily, locked the door, and threw away the key. And not another soul in the world knew he was locked inside. Of course if he wanted to escape he could do so. The prison, was after all, his own heart. But he couldn’t make that decision. His heart was as hard as a stone wall. This was the very essence of jealousy.” 

..exactly !

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to many more posts about his quotes.

Can I be on leave forever but still have money in my pocket?

I don’t feel like writing actually but lets try to describe what I was up to these few days.

Well, 4 days flew like nobody’s business, I had a great short escape and being away from work and terrible traffic..are just awesome. Nothing beats the feeling of being home. Besides the joy of overeating 😛 , I feel kinda recharged and motivated to continue whatever things I used to do..like the freaking making-money-routine.

It was quite different from my stay before. This time, I engaged with loads of old friends from secondary school & university. Friends from uni, no other name except Denah & Fiqah. We met at Penang, I supposed to attend my matriculation friend’s wedding but I don’t know why -we didn’t manage to do so. Hence, we strolled around the sunny Penang. We went to our favourite places & my wishlist-place to eat in Penang. We even went to Penang Hill and enjoyed the desserts there which is sooooo good.

Catched up with my old mates from secondary school which I lost contact since 10 years ago. Able to keep in touch again with a bunch of my good good friends and surprisingly, it didn’t feel too awkward as I imagined, maybe its because they were my closest friends back then so it felt comfortable and the chemistry between us lightened again. I think it is not that bad to expose a little bit of myself towards old friends and memories since you know, I am quite like a self-centered person since forever (and will always be).

Touched down KLIA around 12.30 in the morning, my sister from Bangi fetched me, had a short sleep and drove back PJ, now on my working desk writing this and definitely can’t wait until 5pm so that I can get my beauty sleep again. For now, lets pretend to be so fresh.

From left: Fiqah, Denah & me
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Hokkaido Ice Cream Puff! Mission accomplished 😀
The famous breakfast stall @ Transfer Road, Penang
One of the beautiful parts of Batu Feringghi!
my old classmates (2017). We were VERY close back then and the bond is still there! Everyone seems so fine 🙂

The Good Old Days 

8 years ago, I was one of the SPM candidates who wasn’t too nervous about my SPM result. I sat the exam at my second secondary school, a school where I, literally, started to learn on how to control myself from making whatever sauces I’m eating from spilling out on my school uniform. Lol, well that was pretty much sum up my sophomore age. 

I didn’t care much about anything in the world except –

1. Study really hard to be on top of my class, which uhm I actually did. School. Tuition. Revision. Read. EAT. Sleep. Repeat.

2. Begging my mom to buy my favourite Science magazine every week.

Wasn’t quite nervous on the day when the result was announced. I was all prepared to accept what’s coming my way since I knew I did my very best in everything. My parents are not “You better get a good result otherwise I’ll punish you” sorta parents. In fact, they are very cool when it comes to exam results. I remembered when I got the lowest mark ever in Arabic Language paper (I got 16/100, graded as..F? or maybe G I don’t know but it was really bad) – I thought they will be sad or look down on me but to my surprise they brought me to a good restaurant and treat me with a good meal as if I got the highest mark in every subject. 

I asked my mom why did she bring me to celebrate my failure. She answered, grade isn’t everything. She didn’t care how bad my grade was as long as I got the right attitude. Attitude and personality over grade, and always put the best effort in everything – the kind of thought are all rooted from her. I learned how to see things in a big picture not just grade on papers. 

Well, back to the result, out of 11 subjects, I got A for 8 of them. Satisfied and I applied for medic and got an offer at Egypt and an interview  in USM. Allah knows best, I wasn’t quite matured back then. I messed up the interview and decline the Egypt offer. (Grateful it happened since I just discovered that I chickened out when I see blood and wound!). 

That’s pretty much it. It’s just feel good remembering the good old days. 

Till then, my flight is calling. 

Fate is like sandstorm

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

-From my all-time favorite author Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore).

No Monday Blues

No Monday Blues as I took an Emergency Leave today. I need some refreshments to get back in work full of motivation. I need to learn how to love routine again (hopefully routine love me back harder). I intentionally woke up a bit late today, and slept again until I became sick of sleeping; until no dream left for me to dream about.

Then in the middle of hot day, I drove all the way to PJ with a lot of things in my mind. I bluntly followed Waze to MBPJ just to settle out my car compound. Stopped by a mall nearby my apartment to pay my phone bill – and feeding my eyes with some eyeliners (and bought one). That’s all remarks of the day. I guess I’ll be sleeping again when I reach my room.

Short escape : Bukit Batu Putih | Tanjung Tuan, Malacca

I thought I had to record this since it was my second hiking after Gunung Gading, Sarawak. I am not sure when is my 3rd so here it is. lol.

I don’t really love hiking activity to begin with, I would rather choose ocean over forest. But since I was quite free last weekend, and the sisters urged me to join them, I could never say no.

I enjoyed it well, was captivated by the lush green nature and I think I’m going to hike even more frequent after this!

Snapped (and edit) some pictures, too awesome not to be shared!

come and take a walk on the wild side – with me

celebrating my sister belated birthday at the beach! haha

Till then.

The Dark Hours

I woke up from the cold night; outside was still dark as I glanced from the thin curtain that covered the casement window in my bed room. In all ability, I forced myself to get up, turned on the water heater and my chill body started to turn warm as the hot water running down my skin. It is probably my most favorite feeling in the world, having hot water doing its magic – something I will always appreciate with my eyes closed, and a silent smile. It feels right, whatever the reason is. My housemates were all in a deep sleep, but after I finished my warm bath, each of them seemed to wake up, preparing for morning prayer and eventually starting off their day.

I realized it is the last day of this month, meaning that I have to meet my monthly target by today – by hook or by crook. I went to bed with this thing in my mind last night, and woke up with the same thing lingered around – perhaps that was the reason why I woke up earlier than the normal days. I’m worry, in an insecure word. Usually while taking my morning bath, I stare into the mirror and talk to myself, eye to eye. I will say something like “Don’t ruin your day”, “You can do this”, “Whatever happens, just face it calmly”, “Everything will be fine”,  “There should be a way out from this problem” and “Go out and roar” sorta saying – at least it makes me a little more confident and had my mind set throughout the day (It works like magic, for me).

And with that..I started off my day today, confidently. Everything seemed so fine, so far.