Ramadhan is leaving

The King of all the Months is slowly departing us. 3 more days before Eid, I am reflecting on my Ramadhan journey. Was it good enough, did I take it for granted, or what changes has it brings / impacts me.

I stumbled upon an article from Virtual Mosque website and this one paragraph right here is too good not to share, so here it is:

We end this month with the intention to continue fasting, praying and doing good. Ramadan is a month of change that is meant to give us a spiritual cleansing that will last us the whole year. The virtues of fasting and praying do not end after we celebrate Eid; rather, Eid should be the beginning of a new chapter for us to continue doing the habits we started in Ramadan. We can continue reading the Qur’an, fasting Mondays and Thursdays, or the White Days (the 13th-15th of each lunar month), and we can pray the night prayers every night (or once a week).

We’ve tasted the sweetness of standing during the night; we’ve tasted the sweetness of raising our hands to Allah (swt) in supplication; we’ve tasted the sweetness of breaking our fast after a long day; we’ve tasted the sweetness of giving charity.

Continuing these habits after Ramadan may be difficult, but now you know that you can do it. The sacrifices we’ve made during this month to take full advantage of it have shown us that developing good habits and a strong spiritual relationship with Allah (swt) is not out of our reach. We’ve done it, so now can we continue it? One of the great past scholars, ibn Rajab (ra) says: “Be cautious of returning to enslavement after having been freed.”

So we ask Allah (swt), the One who guided us to worship Him in Ramadan, to help us continue in our worship and good deeds. Remember that Ramadan has left us but the One who created this month will never leave. He is Living and His reward is Everlasting.

This time around, suffice to say that this Ramadhan is a calm and peaceful one, for me personally (for several reasons). I learned to change some things (slowly but surely) in myself and I owed this noble month for teaching me to develop my patience.

I was (still 40% am) a big impatient person since the entire time, always do and want things in hurry like I was in an undefined war. I’m allergic to waiting. I don’t like slow things and slow people, and procedures, protocols and shit-load more things that might induce the sleeping demon inside me to wake up. I understand that we can demand all the things in this whole planet, work into it day in and day out but sometimes we forget that it is The One who decides.

Hence, it makes me think that, there is no need to hassle or claim my dissatisfaction or whatsoever because you know, what’s bound to happen will find its way, somehow. Overall, I can feel myself developing into a more matured being. Not saying a fully matured, but at least in several significant aspects. Well, to be honest I am still an immature, pre-mature 25 years old lady in many (MANY) ways but yeah, in some aspects, my maturity is improving. Maybe it’s just me having a weird delusion, but whatever, anyway.

With this full-of- lessons-month is leaving us, I hope and pray that we would never stop from learning towards betterment. I pray all the deeds we planted during Ramadhan can be a shady, fruitful tree for us in the hereafter. We make mistakes because we are human, hey obviously. But I believe there is always a room for improvement.

Be kind, be generous, don’t take people for granted, be positive and motivated, and be the best version of yourself.

This is a rather long post undeniably, thanks for those who read until the full stop. You know who you are, stay awesome.

 

Withering petals

I am the kind of girl who leaves dying flowers on my desk because I still can find beauty in the withering petals.

It reminds me of many things. Beauty in dying flowers – and hope.

Flowers are without hope, as they say. Because hope is tomorrow and flowers have no tomorrow.

In a way, it also reflects on loneliness. Loneliness, is mysterious. It haunts and consumes you slowly until you become comfortable of being lonely, and at the same time without you realising you’re dying slowly from inside – yet it has become a comfortable dying. 

Flowers, hope, beauty & loneliness – everything is a damn process.

True Worshipper

Past midnight, so this is the feeling of “when you feel so tired  but you can’t sleep” as in Fix You song lyric by my favorite band, Coldplay! I am so tired but I just can’t shut my eyes down. I can imagine how much concealer I would have to apply under my eyes tomorrow morning. But it’s okay, I am always a Friday person, because hey, the next day is Saturday! 

Ramadhan has slowly moving to the end. It feels like yesterday when we started fasting. In worshipping Allah, I feel the true worshipper is someone who offers salah without any intention. Don’t get me wrong, of course the intention of all our prayers and Qiyam are to be accepted by Him, what I’m trying to say is – the worldly thingy. True worshipper won’t only pray whenever there’s something that he/she wishes upon. They pray even when they have no desires towards anything, just because HE is Allah, and feel the need to worship him – to bend our weak knees in front of Him, The Almighty. It is just a fitrah need, a basic need in human is having religion, worshipping The One who controls everything. 

Indeed, when we are sincere in worshipping Him (sincerity means when you do something without hoping any return), and ask and beg Him to grant our worldly wishes, I believe He will make it easy for us. He will show us way. 

We are all sinners. We are all at fault. I pray Allah will forgive us as His forgiveness are greater than His anger. 

Serenity and the sweetness of being a true worshipper, hopefully we can taste it. 

In time like this, when my city outside are still vibrant and alive with endless businesses, I just wish that we won’t worship money and people more than we supposed to. World, hopefully we can swim across it without being drown by its graceful & rough wave.

Shattered piece  

Her love has never fade no matter how lack the communication is; or how far the distance between the two of you- she just decided to stop over-showing it at the moment because there are a lot of souls to be taken care of, not only hers. 

She was just trying to take care of her feeling diligently. Learning to love humbly and sincerely. Wondering if the love has died on the other end – but she keeps loving anyway, just because she doesn’t know how to unlove.

Being selfless, she lets others blooming and shining with the love, as she deemed herself as a strong being, hence she supposed to be okay with anything. Even if sometimes she is in shattered pieces, she will be eventually okay.

Not great, at least “okay”. 

At times, she would console her pretty self, and love herself even more stronger.

Alive.

-Still loving you in light and in the dark, sincerely. 

The perk

The perk of being single, away from family and home especially during Ramadhan is that you feel like you’re living at the edge of life. You missed sahur sometimes because you’re too lazy to wake up, no one has ever motivated you to wake up to eat, or sometimes you are just oversleep until the sahur time is over. Plenty reasons. 

Being someone who are not bother cooking complicated things, sometimes you break your fast with whatever you have in hand first and then start boiling your sweet potatoe which takes forever to soft and make cabbage soup to eat with oat, and 5 stars fried egg on top. Your style of eating is..weird and that’s okay. You are unique (and lonely).

You started working part time and most of the days, you feel like dying already when you are home. But you need to do another things too. Shower, laundry, cook, pray – and breath in between. 

You, sometimes are a mess. Do you know that?

(Towards a better and systematic life.)

Disappointed citizen

Bad day at work. 

I was tired with all the dramas brought by government staffs (disclaimer: not all, some). Sorry to say but almost all the staffs I liaised with had some attitude problems. Those who are kind, are too kind! Really appreciate them! But majorly, well, you know..

Too bad, recently I was tired handling life and today, I was like an errupted volcano. I made a call to this respective government office and spoke to the staffs there and they treated me like a terrorist (couldn’t be more accurate than this). I was treated like that since forever and I couldn’t take it any longer. So, I digged out from their website about the Head of the Department, Head of the Agency and I found an email specifically to lodge a complaint. So, I reported whatever I feel like, of course by using a very decent and formal Bahasa Melayu. I clicked send. Then another essay to the Head of the Department, sent. 

Within several minutes, the recipient of the email that I sent my complaints to, forwarded it to all the staffs in the department (yes including the staffs I spoke to before), Cc all the Heads, with a reply of “Pls take action” kinda email. 

They will hate the email, I believe. It was really a blunt email I know but can’t they be more reliable and make sense? Just what are they doing in the comfy & luxury office? Worst, government spend some millions to pay for their annual bonus, festival bonus, just to name a few – while their work productivity, mentalities and services are not even something to be proud of.

(Nope, private sector companies don’t even get any pennies from whatever bonuses. Dream on!).

Really, I’m not envy about all the bonuses they got but come on, be professional. Be open minded, big hearted, improve on working attitude and mentality, be hardworking, always take initiative, or at least, try to be a kind human. 

Whatever, I am just tired.

Welcoming Ramadhan 

Earlier today, I promised myself to stay back late at the office to finish up whatever things I have to finish. But since my head feels like exploding already, so plan cancelled. I need to settle them badly but whatever, I am tired. 

It has been 3 days since Cousin passed away, yet it feels like she’s still around. Pain of losing people we dearly love is…just unexplainable. I am at a loss for words.

Anyway, Ramadhan Mubarak! 

BMW guy

It is bright and hot afternoon. As usual, I spend my weekend at Domino’s, sitting at the same place with my laptop and stuffs, doing some works. I guess some of the staffs must had recognized me, especially the tall and skinny lady staff- as she once shooed me away because it was near closing time. It is freezing cold inside here, like really, I mean it FREEZING cold, but it is much better than being roasted outside, under the dazzling sun. So, I can say Domino’s has been my perfect sanctuary for most weekends.

Cousin was transferred out from ICU, few days ago. Tracheostomy was performed, she is still in coma, her body doesn’t react to any stimulation as of now. The Doctor said it is possibly a stroke, but nothing has been confirmed yet other than bacteria invasion in her pity brain. By right, she should have regained her consciousness a few weeks ago, but maybe she needs more time to do so. Being transferred out from ICU, for me is considered good enough. We, the families don’t know what to expect for now, we are just praying for a miracle. We started to re-bounce from the sudden shock, and fully understand it is out of our (us, human) control. Life goes on, so yeah..

Last night, when I was driving out from PJ, J called me.

It’s not that he stopped calling me after a few trillions time I pushed him away, he instead absorbed everything I did and keep calling me harder. To say he is crazy is understatement, but seriously, I can’t help myself from being irritated. When my phone rang, I reached my phone on the seat next to me, and while I saw his name on the screen –  and looked up again to drive, then I realized I was too near with the car in front of me, and quickly pushed the brake pedal but it was too late! I bumped into the car, freaking BMW car! It happened too fast, and I just remembered cursing myself from being so careless! Due to the collision (Thanks God I wasn’t speeding, otherwise I don’t know where I belong to now), the BMW got some minor, I say minor because really, nothing much other than a static horizontal scratch. So we stopped in the middle of traffic jam, a Chinese guy came out.

Not angry, but I can see how dull his face was. Even though I didn’t know how my face looked alike at that time, because I had no idea how to react in times like that, I apologized for nth times, and relieved it was just some scratches. I remembered I didn’t check on how my car was (Iriz must felt left out, sorry baby I know we are strong), soon after that I noticed there are some scratches on my car as well, but it is perfectly fine. No dent, no nothing.

The BMW guy took my number, and asked how I planned to do about it. I swear it was just MINOR, very minor scratch. No severe dent or what, just very minor. I remembered I said “it is just a minor scratch sir, I don’t think it would cost a lot. I will not run, I will be responsible”. And you know what he replied?

This is BMW, not a Proton (he referred to my local car model)”. He said while laughed sarcastically.

Nahhh, I lost my appetite to write anymore when I remembered his arrogant answer. J, and the BMW guy, I hate all.

Just FML.