Penghujung 2014 (2)

After the 2014’s happy events – now the dark sides. Tahun 2014, bagi aku – ialah “tahun kehilangan”.

Dua bulan terakhir sebelum 2015, ada tiga orang yang aku kenal telah meninggal dunia. Orang-orang yang aku agak rapat dan orang yang selalu aku tengok lalu-lalang depan mata, now kalau difikir-fikir balik, macam mimpi pulak. Macam terlalu cepat semua ini berlaku.

Bulan 11 ialah permulaan yang suram. Aku dapat berita yang my uncle (we called him Pak Ngah) masuk hospital sebab sesak nafas. From there on, he was warded frequently sebab several things. and last sekali, arwah ditempatkan di CCU, sambil mesin-mesin gergasi di kiri kanan, tiub-tiub disambung ke beberapa tempat termasuklah di kerongkong untuk membolehkan oksigen cepat sampai ke otak. We were informed that he was suffered from blood cancer but alas it was too late for him to get a proper treatment. Memang blood cancer susah detect di peringkat awal eh? Dalam sepuluh,sebelas hari jugak arwah ditempatkan di CCU. Aku selalu jugak masuk tengok dan duduk beside him baca Surah Yaasin. Sometimes, aku berhenti at the middle of the Surah dan tengok beliau yang terlantar kurus itu, sambil berdoa moga-moga Allah kurangkan kesakitan beliau. Aku harap sangat jari beliau bergerak macam kat drama TV tu, tapi ada sesekali aku perasan bebola mata beliau bergerak, aku tahu dia dengar semua yang berlaku di sekelilingnya, cuma mungkin terlalu sakit untuk nak respons.

Beberapa hari sebelum arwah meninggal, he started to open up his eyes dan air matanya mengalir perlahan-lahan. Beberapa kali jugak he tried to say something, tapi tak boleh. Nampak darah dalam mulut arwah bila he tried to speak. Maybe sebab wayar-wayar yang disambung tu kot. I know, it must be so hurt bila ditebuk dengan wayar-wayar macam tu. Sometimes, bila aku baca Yaasin sebelah arwah, aku harap arwah tak buka mata tengok aku. Sebab if he did, I don’t know what should I do, or how much the tears I would pour out. Satu malam tu, macam biasa, kami melawat arwah lagi. Selepas salam Ngah (isterinya) yang memang matanya selalu merah dan bengkak sebab menangis, aku cuba talk rambles untuk bagi Ngah senyum dan ketawa, and after tengok Ngah masih boleh senyum dan bergurau, oh I think she is a strong woman –  and for a second, I was relieved. Then adik aku yang baru keluar baca Yaasin, I saw her eyes were all red. She was shakingly told us what had happened masa dia baca Yaasin kat dalam. He opened up his eyes and tengok adik, then adik ajar mengucap pelan-pelan di tepi telinga arwah, dan at the same time air mata arwah mengalir lagi. Ngah yang baru senyum ketawa tadi, aku tengok kelopak matanya berair lagi.

Dua hari selepas itu, Pak Ngah meninggal.

Aku betul-betul tak sangka yang orang yang aku selalu sembang dan bergurau sekarang dah tiada. Macam mimpi. Tak percaya.

A week after or so, satu lagi berita kematian kami terima. Kali ini, jiran yang selang tiga buah rumah dari rumah aku. We called him Pak Cik Hussin. Aku selalu ternampak arwah naik motosikalnya lalu depan rumah aku. Kadang-kadang, waktu petang, arwah selalu cuci longkang di belakang rumah kejiranan kami. Selepas beberapa hari aku dengar arwah dimasukkan ke hospital, tiba-tiba abah told me arwah dah meninggal. Sakit macam Pak Ngah, blood cancer cuma bezanya arwah dapat tahu cepat. But nothing boleh lawan takdir Allah,kan? He passed away and I peluk his wife (happened to be my teacher) urut-urut belakang dia tanda suruh sabar. Tanda ” It’s okay, he will be at a better place. Don’t be sad”. Sempat aku tengok wajah arwah. Tenang. Setenang wajah Pak Ngah yang aku tengok seminggu lalu.

Aku tertanya-tanya. Macam mana wajah aku nanti waktu aku dah tiada nyawa. Waktu aku dimandikan dan waktu keluarga aku last tatap muka aku, I wonder how my face will look like.

Yesterday morning, ada satu berita lagi yang sangat mengejutkan aku. Jiran aku sebelah rumah meninggal! Pak Cik Razak yang sangat baik, ramah dan suka kanak-kanak itu akhirnya pergi menghadap Sang Pencipta. Antara semua berita, ini ialah berita yang paling tidak disangka-sangka. Sebab seingat aku, aku baru sahaja melihat arwah bersembang dengan abah kelmarin. Sungguh, macam tak percaya. Waktu aku melihat wajah arwah, subhanAllah! arwah seperti tidur dengan nyenyak dan tersenyum. Arwah meninggal pada pagi Jumaat. Betapa bertuahnya Pak Cik Razak, dan mungkin arwah sedang duduk bersila di rumahnya di syurga sana.

Tak kisahlah if tahun 2014 ialah tahun crush tak pandang ke, boyfriend dah stop loving you ke, atau hilang smartphone yang beribu harganya – bagi aku, semua cerita ‘genre’ tu, aku malas nak fokus dan huraikan. Terlalu mainstream untuk aku kupas. Bila aku tengok balik gambar potret keluarga besar kami, aku tengok semakin berkurang ahlinya. Betullah, keluarga dan kesayangan kita bukanlah milik kita sepenuhnya. Tiba masa, Yang Maha Pencipta punya kuasa untuk ambil semula.

Bila aku fikir setiap berita kematian yang aku terima dalam tahun ini, aku macam bermimpi. Tak sangka orang yang selalu kita tengok dan kenal, tiba-tiba diambil Illahi. Sungguh mati itu tidak dapat disangka, dan aku takut kalau-kalau amal dan perangai aku masih tak cukup untuk aku mati tersenyum macam arwah-arwah yang aku tatap. Aku malu dengan Allah kalau siakan peluang nyawa ini.

Semoga kita pun tersenyum saat diambil nyawa.

Alfatihah untuk arwah-arwah.

Selamat tahun 2015.

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What I’m thinking before I sleep

Some times in the evening when I’m home alone, or before I close my eyes in the night, I’m thinking about death.

I wonder how death looks alike, how will I die, how my face looks like when I’m dying, would I able to say my last word to my love ones, what would I see in front of my eyes when Allah shows everything virtually – about my fate in the hereafter.

Death is pain, I know.

If there’s a time that I could steal back, I promised to think about death before doing everything that I had done for the past 22 years. I would say sorry for the peoples that I might hurt. I would be patience. I would pray more. I would read more. I would learn more. I would do things better.

So, I am sorry. For all those things that I had done to myself. Tomorrow is a new day, and death is a step closer to me.

Husnul Khatimah. Let’s pray for that.

Death is just a beginning of life

Alhamdulillah finally my little dream came true. Dream that had been postponed for a few semesters back due to some unavoidable restrictions. Glad it was organised again this semester.

I attended Kursus Pengurusan Jenazah! Finally. I couldn’t be more happier than that. I wondered where else could I go for that kind of seminar if I didn’t push myself up. Leaving aside the errands that keep highlighting their date lines ; I put a high trust on myself. I surely will have some times to finish them all. Haha. Always that confident. So Izni.

With the aim to help my close friends and families with their last day’s management as well as to prepare myself towards it ; it was a really good start.  At least I got a brief idea. I even practiced it during practical session. It wasn’t that hard if we know the way it should be done.

It made me realised that I’m not ready to go yet. Seriously,  I’m not ready. They showed how dark and alone we will be inside the grave. Then, we will be asked on “What you had done with your life”.

It is not a new thing, I think- every body knows that we will be asked on that. But this time, it feels different. I’m thinking about a lot of things. I am not perfect (we are), far more than that. I wondered if there’s still some times for me to adjust the wrongs back into its place.

Denying our death moment is like wishing to get back into our mom’s womb. It is useless for us to deny. We will die one day for sure. The thing is : Are you ready?

Let get ready. We never know when is our turn.

Heard about the long queue of Kursus Nikah and a friend asked me if I want to join. I’m not ready for that, too. Still a long way to go and I have a mountain (or maybe two to three mountains) of things that I have to improve first before stepping into that stage. Still a lot! And who knows,  maybe I will die before meeting my other half. So no worry. Everything was planned beautifully.

I wondered how my other half’s day is today. May Allah grants him happiness and a great patience. Eh tetiba *_* but I really wondered where he is.

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Be prepared before it was too late. That's just the only reminder for us that's still living. Death is certain.

It’s a one way trip

Life is a one way trip. It is like getting on a train and it will stop at one station before we ride again for another station. We were given three tickets and once one of them was tore off, we have no way back. The train is moving and keep on moving. No refund, no nothing. We can’t go back and reclaim what we had lost.

While you’re reading this, and when I’m writing this – OUR ticket has one left.The third one. Means that, our pass two tickets is invalid, had been torn off. We have another one ticket to make a different, and that one ticket alone is more powerful than anything. It is a ticket to an eternity world. To the Death and beyond it.

For hearts that doesn’t feel anything, had been froze like a stone – It is never too late to do something.

It is never too late.

Aim of this life is to live. To live a-forever-life in the permanent world – which styles of endless-life we want to live later? It is us that decide.

Click to WATCH this amazing wake-up-Video : THE THIRD TICKET

It is moving ahead, to another station. We are getting closer.
It is moving ahead, to another station. We are getting closer.

 

a knock-up

We are merely nothing if we are still in the prison, the old prison that restricts us from move on and get a better, quality life. To be a level upper from the place we are standing now, we have to do some improvements, and keep the consistency. Yes, sometimes we doesn’t understand how fast our life trail move and suddenly, we realize that we are just a step very close to death. Afraid that we doesn’t have good enough ‘presentation’ to The Most Gracious on that time, we must start from now.

There should be a point where we realize that “I should move on”, “I should prepare something”, “I can’t be like this anymore”, and those type of self-knock-up that lead us to a point.

I have some lists that I created long time before, and did consistent with that . But you know, as human’s imaan has its up and down – sometimes (most of the time!) I sink below the wave. The world wave that keep seducing weak peoples like me. Well, I add some more below my old lists just to tell myself that I have to really work hard to be a better one. I’m not forever young. I will die. I don’t want to be a regular person living in this world. I want to be someone different, internally.

Ok, below is the lists. I know nobody will read this (maybe?), but who knows if someone found this, he/she will have some idea of improving themselves? I really hope so.

  1. Deed-check list

A list that you have to face at the end of your day. It is a table, filled with day and date, consist of everything that you wish to do in a day. For example, earlier daily prayers, dhuha, tahajjud, talking good to others, selawat, fasting, al-Mulk before sleep, read a page or two of Al-Quran, find new hadith/ new knowledge, and so on. Paste it down somewhere you often see as a reminder and you just need to honestly tick down the deeds that you had successfully done, and reflect your day. It is motivating, trust me!

2.  Improve your tajweed

Brush up your old-tajweed knowledge by any mean that you comfort with. Here comes in the power of gadget and IT, make a full use of it and own a book to jot down your tajweed lessons. Improve them, you don’t want your kids laugh at you later?

3.  Read new book (whatever book)

4.   Find and memorise new recitation (e.g dua after dhuha prayer)

5.   Make a to-do list every day to maximize your time usage.

Consistency is the policy. Doing step by step our planned self-improvement is like adjusting ourselves to a better place. You can feel that you is closer to yourself. Ever feel that? I don’t know how to explain it literally, but it is a kind of teaching and communicate to your inner self.

You can add-on everything you want, and challenge yourself. There’s no such reason of not having adequate time. You will always have a time for something you really love and care of. Ok, that’s for me. Heh.

Till then. Let us improve ourselves for a better life in the future. Pray!

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Cause He knows all
No compromise
Hears your laughs
Feels your cries
He is there all the time

(Trust in Allah by Saif Adam)

deadly in love with this song! :]

Alzheimer

What If I have Alzheimer disease?

That disease don’t look at my age

What will happen to me?

Who will be stay at my side?

And who will stay away?

Who will keep remind me what I forgot

Who will be teaching me 1,2,3

Or A,B,C like my childhood time

Who will hold my hand and teach me to walk again

What will happen if I didn’t know my way home?

What will happen if people found me puzzling on the busy street?

What will happen when my mom and dad hate me when I didn’t remember them

What will happen if I don’t recognise my husband and kids?

Will they leave me or scold me?

Is there anyone to write a bundle of simple notes to remind me what I forgot?

Will anybody laugh at me when I put things wrongly?

Love and life is like a cigarette

It needs light to make them alive

My memory disappear, so as my soul

I write before I forget everything

Love ; don’t too love

It doesn’t long

Memory will disappear

So as soul.