2016 in review

  1. 2016 is a struggle year for me. A struggle to find my own path, to really discover what I’m gonna do with my life-and I fought hard, and somehow was able to see a little sunshine at the end of that dark tunnel.
  2. Early 2016, I’ve done something unexpected. I totally quit my Master Degree because I don’t really like the idea of it. It is a decision that I’ll never forget. That would be an evergreen record in my life, remembering how far I can go just to make myself happy again.
  3. When reality hits me hard, I realized I should be playing a ‘role’ in this very society. It was when I started to push myself to search for a job to make a better living. I decided to stay longer in one place, and see the potential it brings.
  4. ..and I did. I stayed in this current company for like uhm 10 months now. Such a huge achievement of myself! (Instead of my 3-days-working experience back then 5-6 years ago 😛 )
  5. After 5 months of working, I bought a decent car, Alhamdulillah. The process of buying the car was somehow..weird and unexpected though. After my beloved Kancil lost when I parked around my apartment (I miss you buddy!), my sister’s car involved in an accident. So, we had no transport for quite some times (since we’re not in Kedah), hence I was thinking to buy one, and the next morning, I took Uber straight to the Car Showroom Centre. I was eyeing this particular car, and decided to buy it on the spot. I settled all the documents needed, and within 3 days, I got my first car after 24 years old. And all the process of buying the car, all by myself. Alone. But I enjoyed the experience well!
  6. Started to learn how to say NO. Well, this is something that I’m still trying to master. I’m an easy person, so anything that doesn’t harm me I tend to just say Yes. But you know, there are some things in life you should say No to.
  7. Most importantly, I know I grew so much in this year. With all the the things that I got through along this year, I believe I have become a stronger person in every aspect. I started to have a stable foundation of self-confident, I believe in myself when people around me refused to. I love myself more, and I do the best for myself.
  8. I knew someone that I think I wanna settle down with. But there would be a great challenge ahead if I decided to do so. I don’t really know if I can cope with what’s coming, but yeah let’s see.
  9. With about 15 minutes before my birthdate, Happy 24th Bithday for me! I’m still busy with my working stuffs during this hour, but I love it, so no issue 😀
  10. These past 2 years were great. I would never forget all those journey.

With that, let the saying of Nayyirah Waheed stirs up your soul for a while:

“if
the ocean
can calm itself,
so can you.
we
are both
salt water
mixed with
air”.

  {I don’t really get why – we are both salt water mixed with air- but I love this quote so much! It connects me to something..to ocean? Idk.}

 

..and Coldplay will come to Singapore!!!

Just arrived my bustling nest after 4 days of holiday including my sick leave today. Had a good rest in Bangi, in my sister’s house which feel closer to real home for me. I will start my routine again tomorrow, hopefully that will avoid me from being overthinking as hell.

Personally, I prefer Bangi-life instead of PJ-life because Bangi is a humble, relax and serene place. You hardly stuck in the massive jam even at 7pm or as rare as it sounds, – at 3 or 4 pm – which is normal to PJ. Bangi, I don’t know, it holds some values I can’t explain. Maybe partly because my dear sister is now residing there, i don’t know, but I love Bangi. I love my sister too lol.

I’m hoping my eye will be recovered as soon as possible. Last meeting, Chris brought up about Interior Designer visit. I just mentioned a firm that I used to liaise with, in fact I haven’t set any appointment with them yet. I don’t think I can meet anyone with this swollen eye. My self esteem is not at a good level now. So, I will not bother visiting them until my eye has recovered.

Coldplay will come to Singapore!!!!  I can barely contain myself! I MUST go, I’ve been dreaming about losing myself in the crowds, with all those lovely songs of Coldplay.

I MUST GO. I don’t care, I wanna go.

You can’t help who you fall in love with

So, it has been ages since I last posted here. Nearly forgot that actually I own a space where I can write and rant on. I think my extreme fear slowly to show up real; that I slowly forgetting how to write. Yea, the fact is, I am not a keen writer anymore – no matter how keen I am to turn out as one. You know why writer write?

Because they are afraid to express their real feelings, that they are not comfortable to be their true self around peoples they know. So, they are good in writing because they think it is the best way to hide – they best express themselves in words. They seek satisfaction through it. Yes, some writer does. And uhm, I think part of me fell into that category too.

I don’t know how to describe life nowadays. You know what? I fell in love with someone that I’m not supposed to. Wait, how do we control with who we will fall in love? Is love is something that we can control? No.

To fall in love, is something we could never control. It happens, just like that. When you realised it, it was too late. You just fell, deeper.

In love.

You can’t help it.

 

 

Love and Trust

I couldn’t count how many times I come to wonder about this – What is the real feeling of love? How to know if someone loves you? or whatever more mystical-undefined-wonder about love. For me, love is – well, a feeling – that you have toward someone that make you feel want to be together, or as nearest as possible.You have some unknown bonding that attract both of you together, just like a magnet. You want your loved ones are free from any other troubles, have a brightest and happiest day ever, and you demand their existence in every second of your life. Love is somehow a desperation, and often misplaced and mistreated.

Not until I heard someone I loved said – Love is not important, the most important is a relationship that filled in with trust. And the thought keep echoing in my frontal lobe space for these few days, some deep debates is happening there, and I can’t help myself but to vomit them out here. I don’t know what makes the person said that, or maybe I know – I’m not sure, but in a way, it is true.

In some ways, I think these two values should not put in a separate cohort for life at its best when they are co-exist. When you love someone, you will put on your highest trust ; when you trust someone, it’s simply means you love them. As simple as that, why don’t you simplify it as ” I Love You” or “love” itself? It is a phrase that contains a huge amount of trust, hopes, expectations, and whatnot.

To the person, I know you love, because you trust. Or maybe you don’t – It is up to you – I don’t mind, time will slowly reveal what’s the best.

Relieved that finally I can enjoy my morning by having the pomegranate juice and honey drink after uhm I don’t know when is the last time I had it. Hope that Perfect People by Peter James is a good start for me to re-charge my lame reading habit. I think, I wanna hunt for a part-time job later. Let see to what extend this body can bear.

Happy Friday everyone! and Pray for my uncle who is now battling for his life, InsyaAllah. I hope, his family can stand strong together.

Posted @ QUOTEZ.CO

Homie First Note

Yay, I’m home! Alhamdulillah safely arrived and survived with the eyebags and exhausted physical and mental. Double flights with those heavy luggage, and today I can feel my arm muscles were all cramped and teared apart. Haha. A pat on my back, I wasn’t loss in searching way at KLIA2. Nearly fell from the escalator, oh let’s forget that. Haha.

It was a happy ending. Arrived home and just a few days left for us to meet Ramadhan, InsyaAllah – and also internship! Argh. Hate that. Whyy? I dont know XO

No better place like home. Yes I trust that..it is a place that we can be our very true selves, enjoy a genuine love, accept and live with each other’s good and bad, and everything that may come into your mind about love, return home and you’ll find that. Exaggerating? Haha who cares. I love it. So, you can tell if people love or hate you. It is by observing (mostly) because not everything are spoken out directly. Agree?

Oh by the way, mark on a final exam subject was released out. Just one subject, what a speedy! Released out 2 days ago to be exact, just viewed it tonight.

So, happy holiday! Enjoy the freedom before being engage again.

Feeling do evolve, right? Greatly evolved with time. Sometimes you love something like crazy, like you can’t live a second without it, but there’s a time when you feel nothing. Neither hate nor love –  a hollow nothing, and you’re just too tired to mind anything.

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Tonight’s bed time story on the most comfy place in the universe :]

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When I supposed to study for tomorrow’s first final exam, I went out having fun. Steamboat-nightout with my fellow housemates (some of them stayed outside); the juniors. Farewell with Kak Izni they said. Haha, so I gave them chance. I have no idea whether we could meet up together again after this, so why not spending some times for them. I seldom be that close with my other housemates before, but this time was different. We’re well clicked and yeah, it is fun to be together.

Everybody had grown up. Ain got her car after quite a few months handling the case, Zila become friendlier, and Azma and Irah stay the way they are, Kelantanese accent of Hajar had been reduced a little bit, so I can understand her more. Otherwise I left crazy trying to understand what she talked. 😀 They worried if I’m not around next semester, no one can help them translating those English words, and giving essay points for their assignments. I know, the biggest impact would go to Irah. She’s the baby of the house. Haha.

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Having many friends sometimes is troublesome. When it comes to the moment of joy – it really is. But when it comes to the doubts that we have to decide on and at the same time we know someone will hurt upon the decision, nah it is a worst situation ever. We are trained to take care of other’s heart until we are scared to stand on our opinion and feeling. We girls typically are very worry and scared to death if someone was hurt by our actions and words. As much as we hate when there’s someone suddenly yelled and scold us. Yes, it is good to consider all the hearts involved in making decision, but you know, it is finally ourselves that feel unsatisfied. I think I made a right decision. I don’t care if she hates me just because I keep my stand. I’m sure she will, but perhaps time will do its job – healing!  I need to learn to be fierce until no one has any courage to say anything to me but just follow my words. I need to learn yelling at people. haha. How I wish.

Tomorrow is Mandarin! Pray for me, I need to cover back the steamboat-time. Happy staying-up!

*had been a habit writing post after 12 am. What a syndrome *

A reliable sister

I think, my elder sister had grown up, being a matured person. Well, it supposed to. But I didn’t realise it until these days. When I flashed back all the things she had done in these recent years – I know that my childhood-mate is now really a sister. A reliable sister.

She lives behind mask. Sometimes, she can fake all the emotions she had by the smiles and those silly jokes. Haha, I think the neighbour will be so lucky. The Neighbour, she knows well. But I pray for The Motivator. It suits her more? :]

I grown up admiring her. We once had a similar strong ambition, and a hobby we shared. Time flies. I still remembered pushing her to a mirror-glass cabinet and the mirror broke,and left a scar on her hand. haha. Thanks for everything. You will be the next back-bone. Proud.

Before anything, keep the intention right.

Eny told the stories passionately to me, on the outputs she got during yesterday night’s event. * events and bazaar everywhere these days. Plus the Open Day BRC ( glad that I can rest from faking my enthusiasm on those things just to get a room in the college).

The event is generally about Study and Marriage (yes. Again . that topic. haha). I forgot its long name, but yeah generally they discussed on that.

The points were the same as I’m thinking. Don’t get so rush and worry in that matter. Believe that someone has been destined for you. Everybody has their someone. They are heading to you now, and at the right time, everything will fall nicely,  right on its place. Beautifully.

If you love someone, pray. Asking Allah whether he/she is good for you. If you feel that you make the right decision, and somehow the time is so right to take a step forward, then make a move. How madly in love you are, if Allah said “no, they are not good for you” – indeed HE planned the best for us, then accept it and pray so that you will get a better one.

If we are not ready for any commitment due to some other things that have to be settled first before settling ourselves down, then stay still. Do something beneficial, and keep improving ourselves. Ignore the urge inside, because we can’t do anything when we’re not ready. Be the criteria that we want to have in our someone. And keep praying.

One important point that Eny told me which I deadly deadly agree with. It is about our intention to marry someone. INTENTION is more powerful than love –  Well, the panels doesn’t said that, I create the principle. Haha.

So, what’s our intention? What’s the goal of the planned marriage? What do you expect from your soulmate? What are your goals in life? Everything must be clear.

It reminds me that marriage is a serious thingy. Not just I love you – you love me- we are a happy family. It involves a lot of thing.

I think two people which can be a good friend in every situation, and can complete each other – is enough in a marriage. After all, lovey-dovey session will end some day, what remain is a strong and true friendship. That’s what make marriage last long.

Again, the unmarried (yet) gambles so much about marriage stuffs. Haha.

Oh. Eny will get married after this degree study. She is so advanced in her little cute size. Can’t wait to attend my first classmate’s wedding.

Death is just a beginning of life

Alhamdulillah finally my little dream came true. Dream that had been postponed for a few semesters back due to some unavoidable restrictions. Glad it was organised again this semester.

I attended Kursus Pengurusan Jenazah! Finally. I couldn’t be more happier than that. I wondered where else could I go for that kind of seminar if I didn’t push myself up. Leaving aside the errands that keep highlighting their date lines ; I put a high trust on myself. I surely will have some times to finish them all. Haha. Always that confident. So Izni.

With the aim to help my close friends and families with their last day’s management as well as to prepare myself towards it ; it was a really good start.  At least I got a brief idea. I even practiced it during practical session. It wasn’t that hard if we know the way it should be done.

It made me realised that I’m not ready to go yet. Seriously,  I’m not ready. They showed how dark and alone we will be inside the grave. Then, we will be asked on “What you had done with your life”.

It is not a new thing, I think- every body knows that we will be asked on that. But this time, it feels different. I’m thinking about a lot of things. I am not perfect (we are), far more than that. I wondered if there’s still some times for me to adjust the wrongs back into its place.

Denying our death moment is like wishing to get back into our mom’s womb. It is useless for us to deny. We will die one day for sure. The thing is : Are you ready?

Let get ready. We never know when is our turn.

Heard about the long queue of Kursus Nikah and a friend asked me if I want to join. I’m not ready for that, too. Still a long way to go and I have a mountain (or maybe two to three mountains) of things that I have to improve first before stepping into that stage. Still a lot! And who knows,  maybe I will die before meeting my other half. So no worry. Everything was planned beautifully.

I wondered how my other half’s day is today. May Allah grants him happiness and a great patience. Eh tetiba *_* but I really wondered where he is.

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Be prepared before it was too late. That's just the only reminder for us that's still living. Death is certain.

Love unconditionally

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Love is strange. It is when you accept all the good and bad of your beloved.

It is when you say their name in your prayer first before making yours.

It is when they talked and laughed infront of you ; you stared at them and simply have no idea how much you’re in love.

Love. You can say, it is like a sunshine that always showering the flowers.

Especially tulips (eh?).