last battle

Tomorrow would be my very first job interview in 2016. If there’s a time that I should stop attending interview – and land on a job, this is the exact time. I just hope this time I will nail it. I’m hoping this is my last job interview. Like seriously.

Frankly, it is quite tiring to be a hardcore job hunter. Part of you keep pushing you to the limit, while another part of you just want to have a long sleep, as if sleeping will hush away all those uncertainties in your life – unfortunately, it won’t. You will wake up from the long sleep, end up staring to the blank, white ceiling – trying to figure out how to live again for another day.

If I got any choices, I wouldn’t be so busy hunting for a job. Rather, I will marry someone decent, staying at home – taking care of our cute kiddos, cook for the family and running some personal businesses.

Dreams aside, I hope I can deliver the best for tomorrow’s interview. I must be the best among the best that I’ve ever been before. I wanna fight as if it is my last battle on earth. Perhaps after I get the job, I would meet that decent someone, and all my dreams would finally come true.

Please God, I really want this job.

Penghujung 2014 (2)

After the 2014’s happy events – now the dark sides. Tahun 2014, bagi aku – ialah “tahun kehilangan”.

Dua bulan terakhir sebelum 2015, ada tiga orang yang aku kenal telah meninggal dunia. Orang-orang yang aku agak rapat dan orang yang selalu aku tengok lalu-lalang depan mata, now kalau difikir-fikir balik, macam mimpi pulak. Macam terlalu cepat semua ini berlaku.

Bulan 11 ialah permulaan yang suram. Aku dapat berita yang my uncle (we called him Pak Ngah) masuk hospital sebab sesak nafas. From there on, he was warded frequently sebab several things. and last sekali, arwah ditempatkan di CCU, sambil mesin-mesin gergasi di kiri kanan, tiub-tiub disambung ke beberapa tempat termasuklah di kerongkong untuk membolehkan oksigen cepat sampai ke otak. We were informed that he was suffered from blood cancer but alas it was too late for him to get a proper treatment. Memang blood cancer susah detect di peringkat awal eh? Dalam sepuluh,sebelas hari jugak arwah ditempatkan di CCU. Aku selalu jugak masuk tengok dan duduk beside him baca Surah Yaasin. Sometimes, aku berhenti at the middle of the Surah dan tengok beliau yang terlantar kurus itu, sambil berdoa moga-moga Allah kurangkan kesakitan beliau. Aku harap sangat jari beliau bergerak macam kat drama TV tu, tapi ada sesekali aku perasan bebola mata beliau bergerak, aku tahu dia dengar semua yang berlaku di sekelilingnya, cuma mungkin terlalu sakit untuk nak respons.

Beberapa hari sebelum arwah meninggal, he started to open up his eyes dan air matanya mengalir perlahan-lahan. Beberapa kali jugak he tried to say something, tapi tak boleh. Nampak darah dalam mulut arwah bila he tried to speak. Maybe sebab wayar-wayar yang disambung tu kot. I know, it must be so hurt bila ditebuk dengan wayar-wayar macam tu. Sometimes, bila aku baca Yaasin sebelah arwah, aku harap arwah tak buka mata tengok aku. Sebab if he did, I don’t know what should I do, or how much the tears I would pour out. Satu malam tu, macam biasa, kami melawat arwah lagi. Selepas salam Ngah (isterinya) yang memang matanya selalu merah dan bengkak sebab menangis, aku cuba talk rambles untuk bagi Ngah senyum dan ketawa, and after tengok Ngah masih boleh senyum dan bergurau, oh I think she is a strong woman –  and for a second, I was relieved. Then adik aku yang baru keluar baca Yaasin, I saw her eyes were all red. She was shakingly told us what had happened masa dia baca Yaasin kat dalam. He opened up his eyes and tengok adik, then adik ajar mengucap pelan-pelan di tepi telinga arwah, dan at the same time air mata arwah mengalir lagi. Ngah yang baru senyum ketawa tadi, aku tengok kelopak matanya berair lagi.

Dua hari selepas itu, Pak Ngah meninggal.

Aku betul-betul tak sangka yang orang yang aku selalu sembang dan bergurau sekarang dah tiada. Macam mimpi. Tak percaya.

A week after or so, satu lagi berita kematian kami terima. Kali ini, jiran yang selang tiga buah rumah dari rumah aku. We called him Pak Cik Hussin. Aku selalu ternampak arwah naik motosikalnya lalu depan rumah aku. Kadang-kadang, waktu petang, arwah selalu cuci longkang di belakang rumah kejiranan kami. Selepas beberapa hari aku dengar arwah dimasukkan ke hospital, tiba-tiba abah told me arwah dah meninggal. Sakit macam Pak Ngah, blood cancer cuma bezanya arwah dapat tahu cepat. But nothing boleh lawan takdir Allah,kan? He passed away and I peluk his wife (happened to be my teacher) urut-urut belakang dia tanda suruh sabar. Tanda ” It’s okay, he will be at a better place. Don’t be sad”. Sempat aku tengok wajah arwah. Tenang. Setenang wajah Pak Ngah yang aku tengok seminggu lalu.

Aku tertanya-tanya. Macam mana wajah aku nanti waktu aku dah tiada nyawa. Waktu aku dimandikan dan waktu keluarga aku last tatap muka aku, I wonder how my face will look like.

Yesterday morning, ada satu berita lagi yang sangat mengejutkan aku. Jiran aku sebelah rumah meninggal! Pak Cik Razak yang sangat baik, ramah dan suka kanak-kanak itu akhirnya pergi menghadap Sang Pencipta. Antara semua berita, ini ialah berita yang paling tidak disangka-sangka. Sebab seingat aku, aku baru sahaja melihat arwah bersembang dengan abah kelmarin. Sungguh, macam tak percaya. Waktu aku melihat wajah arwah, subhanAllah! arwah seperti tidur dengan nyenyak dan tersenyum. Arwah meninggal pada pagi Jumaat. Betapa bertuahnya Pak Cik Razak, dan mungkin arwah sedang duduk bersila di rumahnya di syurga sana.

Tak kisahlah if tahun 2014 ialah tahun crush tak pandang ke, boyfriend dah stop loving you ke, atau hilang smartphone yang beribu harganya – bagi aku, semua cerita ‘genre’ tu, aku malas nak fokus dan huraikan. Terlalu mainstream untuk aku kupas. Bila aku tengok balik gambar potret keluarga besar kami, aku tengok semakin berkurang ahlinya. Betullah, keluarga dan kesayangan kita bukanlah milik kita sepenuhnya. Tiba masa, Yang Maha Pencipta punya kuasa untuk ambil semula.

Bila aku fikir setiap berita kematian yang aku terima dalam tahun ini, aku macam bermimpi. Tak sangka orang yang selalu kita tengok dan kenal, tiba-tiba diambil Illahi. Sungguh mati itu tidak dapat disangka, dan aku takut kalau-kalau amal dan perangai aku masih tak cukup untuk aku mati tersenyum macam arwah-arwah yang aku tatap. Aku malu dengan Allah kalau siakan peluang nyawa ini.

Semoga kita pun tersenyum saat diambil nyawa.

Alfatihah untuk arwah-arwah.

Selamat tahun 2015.

a lame promise (as usual)

I know it had been a long time since I last indulged in blog-posting and writing. This is the longest period I haven’t write anything regardless how heavy the ideas showered down me, I just passed them to the ground. How I wish they will write for themselves and come up to me as a perfect write-up. How I wish all those feelings will automatically turned into a vivid words and sentences, so that I would not have to find the appropriate words to frame them together.

As it is a hopeless dream, so I think it is better for me to start all over again. Now that I have both time and health (two vital commodities that human often take for granted), I will try to write as frequent as possible. Haha (lame promise of Izni, ugh).

So, yesterday I had a short phone interview from a company. A really short one, I should not nervous as much as yesterday! Please pray for the best!

Donut’s story

Spending time eating my favorite donut. I bought two ; one is my all-time favorite and the other one is a new-trial. Just for fun, trying a new thing.

It is surprising that the one I’ve never tried before is more delicious than the all-time favorite donut. If I’m not dare of trying the new donut, maybe I will still stuck in the donut that I favored but now the taste was changed. Now that I love the new donut, it gives me confidence to leave the old donut. I still adore its old flavour, but yeah the fact is..it wasn’t there anymore. Well, not under my control, so what else I can do?

So, sometimes, things are worth trying and sacrifice for. No matter how hard you’re at the first moment, in this case – deciding to try the new donut – believe me anything that comes after is better. Never be afraid to jump out of your zone. Try a new thing, challenge yourself and dare to change for the better you. It’s not easy but it’s going to be worth it.

After all, it is just about donut. Over-analysing me. Heh.

edit

*Murakami’s book is displayed at the bookstore. Excited to see it but alas, too pricy. Unaffordable for now 😦

Marketing

I think I should work in marketing department, or anything involve selling-buying process. Haha. My jaw dropped when one message popped out on my phone screen. How I did an advertisement and how come I can clear  out all the goods that quick? Wow. What a question. I’m not the right person to write about marketing technique 😄

Well, I considered it as a light compliment. I’m not as cool as expected. Not that superior.

After handed out the book shelf, a family visited me to see my printer. A family, can’t you imagine? Her mom wanna see the condition of the printer. Being a mom..you know, they’ll always have the mysterious, unanswered question. I understand.

So, they came. With two or three kids, luckily I got three remaining chocolate wafers to entertain them. Within less than five minutes, they agreed to buy! No deposit, I got total cash. But the printer will be passed to them next week. I mean, it was an easy move. They trusted me a lot and Alhamdulillah, finally I don’t have to think bringing the printer back home. The printer was my second side income all this while. I owed it so much. Sure will miss it!

Selling things is enjoyable! It’s not about money,  it is more to the new people I met, the new experiences of adapting with people’s thought and needs. Learning new things. Quite a lot of endorphin secreted. I guess, it is one of the life arts?

change (again?)

Realised that I’ve been in a long sleep before, I think it is the time to step out, breathe the new air, and keep walking as a new me. Forget the insulted things that ever happened, and turn into a new leaf. Create something, work so much hard, build yourself, and stay positive – life wouldn’t be so difficult after all.

Change, change, and change – countless time of changing, I know. Every day, or after some unfortunate things happened (like low quiz mark, difficulty in answering exam – haha) or when I saw someone who is far more religious and better than me, uncountable times I said to my self, let make some changes, and improvements. It is never too late.

Sometimes, it is bored saying the same thing. But most of the time, it is motivating. Enough for me to live as a better one for one more day.

Desires of changing and keep evolving in term of our soul – nothing wastes on it, right? As long as we doesn’t invited yet by Izrail , the chance for us to improve ourselves is widely open. What we need now is just try our best, set goals on what changes that we want to make, and work on it step by step. If one day, we feel so shattered and everything seems to be failed, then try again. Get up and try again. It is not going to be easy, I can tell. But it pays. It is going to be worth it.

I don’t know what ‘desire’ or what ‘flame’ in this song means, but I found it inspiring! Well, Pink’s song never fail to burn. 

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try

[Try- Pink]

seek for your own "sunset"
seek for your own “sunset”

 

Keep not everything

My hatest part is to sort out what to bring along and what to leave behind. It is tiring to decide. Sometimes, things that I think are useful at the very first place, ended up useless when I bring them along. They are nothing but make my bag heavier.

I let go some of my sentimental values’ goods. Trying hard to tell myself that they will be remembered, the memories will remain.

And I can’t believe that I’m smiling when reading those past writings.Let start a brand new life. A brand new hope and dreams. I will not look back and become so bloody weak.

So that’s the routine of nomadic life? Hehe. It’s about struggling between what to remember and what to forget, what to keep and what to leave.

I can’t keep everything even though I want them so bad. Something should be leave behind so that I can bring another new thing along. It is about sacrifice. I should learn to sacrifice more.

Well, too much to reflect even it is just a luggage-packing time. I just can’t wait to breath in a new fresh air. To forget everything and start a new one.

I can’t wait.

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