a lame promise (as usual)

I know it had been a long time since I last indulged in blog-posting and writing. This is the longest period I haven’t write anything regardless how heavy the ideas showered down me, I just passed them to the ground. How I wish they will write for themselves and come up to me as a perfect write-up. How I wish all those feelings will automatically turned into a vivid words and sentences, so that I would not have to find the appropriate words to frame them together.

As it is a hopeless dream, so I think it is better for me to start all over again. Now that I have both time and health (two vital commodities that human often take for granted), I will try to write as frequent as possible. Haha (lame promise of Izni, ugh).

So, yesterday I had a short phone interview from a company. A really short one, I should not nervous as much as yesterday! Please pray for the best!

the forgotten letter

I thought after I gave the letter, after everything that I saw and heard, after I put such bravery like I had never before, after all what had happened – the thing will be settled down, beautifully. I thought I was successfully solved the problem. I tried to forgive and forget. Hardly tried.

But halfway towards it, things started to turn wrong. The changes does not stay any longer, my hatred grow bigger.

Then I realised that I have to pray even more for you. For you to have a consistent change, and when the day arrived, I will be a happiest human being on earth. I will pray for that, because you’re special.

Stay blessed.

Don't despair and never lose hope.
Don’t despair and never lose hope.

D-day

Okay. Finally I can sit down and write about this. About our last battle on the final year project! The time we revealed and presented all the one-year works. So, I woke up late on d-day, and rushed to the hall. Haha. Luckily it wasn’t start yet and I still got some time to plan my unplanned script.

I was in very calm state, never did I calm like that before. My heart beat was under controlled and everything seemed smooth. The night before was terrible. I couldn’t do any work because of the wild endless nervous and worries. So I did something that yeah.maybe it helps. Indeed it helps a lot.

I managed to answer all the questions, did some jokes, acknowledged people at the end and got a round of applause.  Then, its ended. That short and simple.

It is better than I’m expected. Alhamdulillah. My SV was satisfied! Really, sometimes we need to trust ourselves. Keep away the negativity and be proud. Be confident. Think that you’re the one who are genius in the hall 😀

Today is mom’s operation. Still, she keeps mentioning she’s okay, everything will be alright, that I don’t have to worry. She is strong. So, I should be strong too. Pray for mom!

condolence

Bismillah.

Al Fatihah to the family. News keep popping up and updated from time to time. It happened somewhere in my town. The three siblings found dead and the suspect is her boyfriend. How on earth did human can do that ?? It was really a cold blooded action.

“The three siblings found dead”

I can’t imagine if this happen to my mom and dad. Losing their trio in a blink of eyes. I pray that Allah save us from any kind of bad situation.

and whoever did that ; May Allah forgive him/her.

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Only this time – marry?

Bismillah.

Early 20s created so much events in my life. Yes, I am youngest among most of my friends from the start I was in kindergarten or in school or here in university, I am youngest regarded to my birthday! So, no friend admit that I am matured although I am. Hey, I am matured, okay. Haha. Ok, little bit childish here and there but please not count.

Today I will write about BASIC human need and it goes to LOVE.

Love? Err.

So what?

People’s mind especially women’s (I am woman) has large part in their mind which is actively thinking about love. That’s why woman is so much alert about love and tend to show theirs more than men does. We can see in our mom and dad. How they show their love and so on.

Stepping slowly into 20s, I admitted that I think about love more often than my years before. I started to think about the serious thing like marriage. In this case, I shouldn’t be so ego saying that I never want to be with my other half. I shouldn’t be ego when I fall in love with someone, I shouldn’t be ego if I targeted someone to be my future husband. But, after all, I am an ordinary girl which live with ordinary life and customs. I have nothing extraordinary to be pointed out. I shouldn’t ego to keep in praying what I am hoping.

Recently, thought on that is escalating. To be frank, I am so tired living all alone and how I hold myself to be not in “couple phenomenon”. I would rather be single and alone than being in that circle. I prefer short introduction, clear intention, quality engagement and simple wedding and invest in marriage. It is what I dream of.

What if.. I mean let say, if right after I am graduating, I will be married? I need someone that can always be beside me, motivating me whenever I am down like now, make me laugh when I stress, changing thoughts and idea, improving each other’s self, unconditionally love and live with me, teaches me what I need to learn and understand me well.

I think I can manage my life and stress well after marriage. Ask for my hand right after I am graduating. I don’t know if you read this. But I hope you are reading. Yet I don’t know who are “you”. Haha. Yes. I mean you 🙂

Sounds desperate? oh. No way. I am not. Just, the fitrah manusia to be in pair is mushrooming in myself when I step into twenty-something years old. It is pretty normal.

The key is pray and tahajjud and istikharah. Improve our daily prayer and at the same time, use this time to learn more about Islamic knowledge like tajweed and sirah for us to tell our future childrens.

Everything will be beautifully fall in place one day.InsyaAllah.

Till then, it is the first time ever I write about “I want to be married”. So, dont get irritated, only this time 😀

So, it is rain heavily and I don’t know how to walk back to my college.

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we are weak

Bismillah.

Actually this subject had been meandered around me since a long time ago and this subject come up into surface again recently. It is about how weak we are to change something. To change something, indeed inner strength should be polished up because without any bravery, we can’t change even a single thing. It is true that Allah is the one that change human’s life and fate, but we also play a major role in shaping our surrounding community. What are they doing, what are they know and how far they concern about sensitivity’s matter and so on had been a part of our responsibilities and most of us take it for granted. It is not that we take it for granted actually, but we don’t have any strength to change our community. We even afraid to give it a try. We are weak.

Obviously I am talking about myself. But, I know some people have the same problem with me.

Let us take a simple instance.

Daily prayers.

It is surprisingly knowing that people who we admired and loved is taking easy of their daily prayers. They pray when they’re free and they forgot about the prayer as they busy. I don’t see their busyness as busy as what our Prophet experienced of. Then, I come out with a simple conclusion that they actually don’t love to pray and thinking leaving a pray doesn’t mean anything. The simpler conclusion is that they are not in love with Allah. Their heart in solemnly dry, they sink into the sweetness of this world and forget about our heading destination.

It is sadder when this thing happen in our most beloved persons like our own family and besties. Changing them as hard as moving a very heavy stone or drilling something with our bare hands. There are some possibilities when we doing such actions. Either our own hands bloody hurt or the drilling doesn’t give any results due to the thickness of the surface. No matter how much we are trying to move the heavy stone, it doesn’t move. It stay still and at one point, we decided to leave it all alone, giving up.

Nature of human’s heart is FRAGILE. Sometimes, when we complained about how they seldomly pray, or invite them to pray together, we will be misjudged. Then, the worst thing will be followed like hating each other, saying bad things and even more worst is our good relationship with them will be slowly rotten. It is complicated to think.

Thus,the solution is that, we can never do it alone. Then it comes the importance of our daily dua. Besides our hints and invitation for them to perform prayers, our own silent dua is deadly required.

The first hundreds attempts may not work, because only Allah hold the key of hidayah. How hard we put our effort on, the key is at Allah’s hand. HE is the one that capable to open and soften someone’s heart. While, we shed our tears off, keep on trying and praying.

It reminds me of a verse in Quran that said :

Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom HE wills. And HE is most knowing of the [rightly] guided (Al Qasas ; 56)

Pray so that we will be in safe environment that sensitive to our daily prayers, aurah and Islamic regulation. Hope everyone that we love, we will be meet again in Jannatul Firdaus, insyaAllah

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#PrayForEgypt #R4BIA

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Why is #R4BIA is trending right now?

The “Rabaa Sign” has become the sign of the anti-coup protests in Egypt. It literally means number four or fourth in Arabic.

The “Rabaa Sign”, like the “Peace Sign” for Palestine, symbolizes a specific event that is the massacre on August 14 at the famous Rabaa al-Adawiya Square where the anti-coup protesters voice their demands by raising their four fingers.

May Egypt and Islam win someday. Indeed, Islam will win. It just the matter of time.

Que sera sera

Flashing back our first confession, I cant help my self but to smile wide. It was a really out-of-the-blue confession and every time I remembered that, nothing feels so calm as that. I felt as being love by every corner of the world. He means a world for me, indeed. Our friendship almost reach 4 years time, including the confession in 2 years back. Few words in describing him, he is so charismatic in his own way. He is hopeless romantic, ordinary man and nice. Just like , nothing special on him and I have no solid idea why I heart him that much.

It was not so long when I found my best friend’s diary. She was in love with him and he knows that. I felt like I am a bad third person that jumped into people’s relationship. I slept in tears and my heart was sank. Deeply sank. My best friend admired him so much and the words that she wrote about him turn me into tears, in return. Day by day, I keep reading her diary, secretly. I knew it was wrong, but I have too. I have to know how much she heart him and since when.

“Did you love her?”, I asked him, one day. Maybe he was not expecting that I knew their story. Yea, ‘ their’ story.

“How come you knew about this?”, He asking me back, without giving me the answer.

” Khalija, she loves you with all her heart. I know that, Umayr”, I replied.

” Yes,she loves me. But I don’t! “,Umayr finally replied.

” I told her that I am never in love with her but she wont listen me!”, He continued.

“but she loves you with all her heart. Your family also knew about that, and you can learn to love her in return”,I replied him. I have no bravery to face him. Text messages after text messages were send. No matter how strong I was holding back my tears, they were still keep running down my cheek. I was bedazzled at that point. Between Umayr and Khalija, both are my stars and sun in my life. To choose one of them, it was a very impossible thought.

Finally, I left him without any word. Our relationship became so fragile until at one point, I can hear the slow crack that finally  broke up the relationship. We are not contact each other since then. We were in absolute silence and I thought “Yeah, this is it. I should give chance to Khalija and Umayr. It is okay, by time, I will forget everything. I am strong and I knew it”, and I smiled. A forced smile. It was hurt at the beginning. The feeling was like when you were all alone in an abandoned island and you saw the boat is leaving. That feeling, was just indescribable.

Two, three and four days. I was in bad condition. Then, I decided to think positive and re-live. My life should’t meet its end when simple thing like that happened. I happened to read a deep verse of Al Baqarah, 216 :

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. 

I am so astonish and it made me reflecting all the moments in my life. I realised that when I was in relationship with Umayr, I often late in offering my daily prayer and I missed most of my tahajjud. My emotion on human being is more strong than to Allah,my Creator. It can’t be like that. I started to look back all the wrong deeds that I had done. Finally, I found an answer. An answer that really make my life changed.

Umayr was taken from me for a reason. Allah wants to educate me to be a better and matured person. HE wants me to have a plenty of time with HIM first and to realised that, it is a huge rahmah Allah ever had to a bad person like me. To have Umayr in my life is not that lucky but to have Allah’s love, it means more than a world to me. From that, I made up my mind.

I made my day as busy as possible. Attending lectures, playing sports with my classmates, having consultant hour with my lecturers, studying in library,reading a lot of books and doing revisions, revising chapters of Al Quran, tahajjud and Alhamdulillah, day by day my heart feels so calm. It was not like an ocean’s wave and tide anymore. Thought of Umayr’s love fade slowly but, I don’t know why his name cant be removed from my everyday prayer. I pray so that he will be all fine and may his life full of happiness. I love him,still. But, in another way.

It was a windy evening in my campus when I received a letter. The letter was given by a gardener and I almost thought that he was wrongly gave it to me. Why I am receiving the letter? and Who send it?

***

“So, you search for me. Everywhere?”, I smiled and stared his eyes. My pray, now become a reality.

“I always pray that if we were made for each other,HE will brought us together and finally, I knew you studied in the university. So, I found my princess there, finally”, Umayr replied and holding my hand softly.

“You didn’t contact me since then”, I asked him as if I was sulking, just to see his reaction.

“I always contact you in my tahajjud. Dont you feel it?”, He asked me while making a serious expression on his face.

I can feel my 8-months fetus is kicking me,gently. Maybe he want also joining his mom and dad conversation. I come to believe that, relationships, love, life and everything in this world always come second ; the first one is our relationship with the Inventor and Creator of all these form of happiness. Short verse below really made me strong and indeed, Allah, HE always with us ; in every condition , sweet or savoury.

Pray to Me, I shall acknowledge your call. Undoubtedly those who are too proud to worship Me, soon will enter the Hell despised.

[al-Mu’min ; 60]

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Que sera sera = what will be, will be

This short story perhaps to inspire peoples and couples out there to sit and reflect back ” what have you done?“.  It is also shows that in this life, no matter how much you want something or how much your world keep saying ITS IMPOSSIBLE, but when it comes to Allah, everything can be so possible. So, top up your pray and believe that it may come true,someday.

Abah

Abah, they said today is your day.

Father’s Day.

Everyday and every time is your day. Everyday I pray for you and everyday I love you.

I cant say with words how much I appreciate your existence in my life. InsyaALLAH,may Allah give me chance to portray it in other form someday. I had a plan for you and mom in the future 🙂

Unlike others, you are the one that teach me how to cook gulai and masak kurma. It is funny how we cooperate in the kitchen,huh? You also teach me how to operate the fishes fresh from market and every single thing you cook is super awesome! I’m writing this with ‘gulping’ ; remembering of every dishes you made.

You also the one that keep in patience beside me ; teaching me to drive. Haha love to see how worry you are when I made a turn.

It is too much things for me to write it all about your sacrifices along these 21 years.

I always pray so that your heart is keep in living and may we live again, together in Jannatul Firdaus afterwards. Ameen ya Rabbal’alamin.

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