This part of the world

Heavy rain in this part of the world. Night rain, we seldom get that (nowadays). And when it’s raining at night like now, other than feeling secure, it makes me reflect on a lot of things. One of them is about ‘Loss’.

Losing people we dearly love is a part and parcel in life. We loss people through death, separation, situation, misunderstanding, etc. But, surely losing through death is the most impactful one.

Being a strong person I am, I rarely cry whenever someone passed away except for my late grandmother (mom’s side). We were so closed and I remember vividly everything that we had experienced together. The inspirational talks, the fights, the jokes, motivation, our pillow talks and her joys when I told her how my studies went, in this heavy rain, my heart is heavy with the weight of missing her presence (but I know she is in a better place).

A few days before she passed away, she was bedridden and I visited her on that very day. I helped to set up the classic mosquito net for her and she said in Malay exactly like this “My grandchild is so good. It is lucky to have you” – and I – being the stupid, young ignorant me, just laughed and denied it politely. I should have talked with her for a longer time if I had known it was her last few days. I should’ve said something sweet or whatsoever to show how lucky I was (forever am) too, having her as my grandmother.

And a few months after, tears were still running down my cheek whenever I thought of her. A year or so after her death, our not-so-big family faced another few deaths. Among all, hers is still aching me.

Losing people through whatever means, I know there will be a designated area in your heart for that person. We still have them in our heart, like a box we keep somewhere on the rack. Whenever the feeling hits, we can always open the box and reminisce all the good old days again.

I am afraid of losing more, really. But I, somehow will dissappear from people and the world too, one fine day. It is all written by the Almighty.

Monday rant

Morning rain on Monday. Wearing blue to fight against Monday Blues. Final week of the month would be crazily hectic. I’m all prepared for that.

For the countless time, I walked in the midst of the rain – to my working place. Always forget to take my umbrella which I left at Bangi, it would only come to my mind on the day like this – like today.

Since I said I love rain, so I’m trying to walk in it. It feels..satisfying, and a kind of lonely feeling.

Bob Marley said it right. I’m gonna prove what I’m saying.

“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me” – Bob Marley.

Past midnight

Past midnight and it’s raining.

Seldom sleep late at night, usually I scheduled my bed time at 11 pm and was consistent ever since (even earlier!).

Starting today, I think I will not be able to sleep as earlier as before. Well, maybe I still can, but most likely..I dont think so. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Blame aging process. Yea, I think aging process hits me hard. Damn.

Today I’ve been sitting in front of my nearly-four-years-old-laptop all day long. I still can feel how my back pain when I tried to lie down. Finishing a paid-assignment and scrolling through jobstreet and other related webs.

I guess, tomorrow will be a huge day. I couldn’t do anything else except pray for the best and keep the positive thinking ahead. I pray to Allah The Almighty that this decision, is perhaps the best for me. After tomorrow, things won’t be the same anymore I believe.

If there’s a time to act as an adult and a mature being, this is the time. Tomorrow is the time.

Still raining. What a beautiful melody. But I need to sleep now, my rain. I will see the damp street you left and the fallen leaves you caused when the sun rise again tomorrow.

image

Moment

Bismillah.

Here it is. Packing my goods to return to the Land of the Hornbills. About 2 months plus being here, I can say that it is a meaningful holiday as a lots of things happen, a lot of first-time events, and a lot of things and situation changed,too. Supposedly, this holiday should be used to write my FYP proposal and whatsoever things involved, but I am not in that mood yet. I mean, this is holiday. One and only time left to be at home, surrounding by family, and you ask me to stay sit, read and read and eat and sleep?

This holiday marked my first time of driving with abah’s permission as before this, he was too woried about me when I hold the steering. Whenever I am driving, he must be at my side. Talking and ordering, which is actually a mountain of advices, which is actually a way of expressing his ultimate love for me,hehe i am a lucky daughter. As I’m not used to drive frequently after getting the license, he worried if I can’t drive properly, parked properly, use the proper road and so so so. I know I can do it if I am confident. So, now, I can drive freely. Abah already put his condidence on me and I should drive more frequent after this,right? 😀

Early during the holiday, was my first time feeling the awesomeness of a train. Haha, went KL by train, I thought train will be so messy and crowded like one I saw in Bollywood’s movie. But then, the thought just flew ayay. It is far better than I thought.

Not to forget, Iismy first time of working in a longer time.Haha! My first-previous-work took only my four days,and after that, I resigned. Weird thing about me is just I cant do the same work day by day. I hate it.

But, this time, I worked for 11 days, which is far more better than the four days.Of course la kan,hehe. Well, working in a boutique is not that bored as I thought. It is bored,sometimes. But maybe I love promoting, and dealing with customers, it is okay for me to work in a longer time.

It made me realised that, to work under other peoples (employer) does not give me much joy and freedom, and because of that, Intan, Nabilah and I planned to own a business,someday. InsyaAllah! One thing that I realised whenever we in trio sit together, we started to build and think of a dream. Dream by dream, firing up by the urge and desperation to fulfill them,well, I have to say that I love to live with a dream. After all, reality blocks are made up by a single dream,right?

and something has changed too.

Till then, my luggage seems can’t be zipped up, and departure time is keep ticking and ticking. A new life waiting, and I will return here someday, as a new person, hopefully. Pray so that I can graduate on time!

and why it is raining and raining outside? I guess it’s saying “goodbye,will miss you,do the best” to me.

Thanks, rain! and did I mentioned to you that all your water droplet look gorgeous when it touches my window and the gorund?