Personal, Thoughts

To the new comers in the office

Recently we received quite a number of new staffs, and our department seemed like something big is happening. Busy like a bee and I have to be a mentor to one of them. The new comers, reminded me of my self, 10 months ago when I just started to join the company.

Thinking about how far I’ve been now (I still couldn’t brain how I can stay for 10 months in the same place), feel like wanna remind them on a few things that I used to remind myself back then :

1. Show that you’re interested as hell. Fake it until you make it.

2. Some things are better left unsaid. Think before you speak.

3. Be friendly. Always be friendly. If you don’t know how to socialize, you better learn the art of it. Show your friendliness  when necessary.

4. Most importantly, be a fast learner. Learn and absorb new lessons fast. Otherwise, world will leave you behind.

5. Be confident. Show you’re vulnerable. Show people they made a correct decision to hire you and you’ll not waste the chance.

6. Be progressive. Be better. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Be afraid of not learning from them. Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.

Before the list goes on and on, so I’ll put a full stop here, for now.

Have a blissful Friday everyone. Long weekend is coming!

Personal, Thoughts

For real

No matter how much you say and emphasize that you are really, really love me, I don’t know why I still feeling hollow, empty, unloved and ridiculously pathetic.

No, it is not about my self-esteem. I just feel incomplete but I’m unsure what are the things that went missing. It is like you have a very bright, good day – and out of nowhere it started to rain heavily, and then the beautiful sun shines again, the flower bloom again – and the rain comes again, without giving any signs. I’m at loss of words to describe exactly, but you see..this shitty feelings are killing me slowly.

You gave me an ultimate insecurity.

Maybe, just maybe I’m the one who’s being foolish over here and you were just saying words out of your consciousness.

Now, for real, very real ; do you really love me?  


You can’t help who you fall in love with

So, it has been ages since I last posted here. Nearly forgot that actually I own a space where I can write and rant on. I think my extreme fear slowly to show up real; that I slowly forgetting how to write. Yea, the fact is, I am not a keen writer anymore – no matter how keen I am to turn out as one. You know why writer write?

Because they are afraid to express their real feelings, that they are not comfortable to be their true self around peoples they know. So, they are good in writing because they think it is the best way to hide – they best express themselves in words. They seek satisfaction through it. Yes, some writer does. And uhm, I think part of me fell into that category too.

I don’t know how to describe life nowadays. You know what? I fell in love with someone that I’m not supposed to. Wait, how do we control with who we will fall in love? Is love is something that we can control? No.

To fall in love, is something we could never control. It happens, just like that. When you realised it, it was too late. You just fell, deeper.

In love.

You can’t help it.




Who is it?

Who are you thinking of lately?

When you open your eyes in the morning, when you stare at the sharp morning ray that claimed their space through your dusty curtain window. You can see the flying little dust as a soft breeze blow from the cold outside. Your mind, somehow thinking of someone. Someone who’s already blew by the time – you wasn’t managed to catch up.

Who are you thinking of lately?

When everyday passed so slow, an hour felt like an ages, a second dropped down like a water droplet in the space area. When you passed through all your daily errands hoping time would run faster so that you’ll get to your dark bed faster. You can’t help it but thinking of someone. Someone who used to be around. Someone that makes time flew faster and paints the mild cloud with some lame rainbow.

Who are you thinking of lately?

When things are going great. When your days turned upside down. When tears stream running down your face, thinking of how tired you’d be recently. You thought some rests will do but you know, you just can’t get enough of thinking and missing someone.

Who are you thinking of lately?

When the light went off. When you stare to the darkness and suddenly a bright screen shows up showing the lose memory lane. When you lose your sleep thinking how fast everything changed. When you woke up feeling empty. When again, you stare to the sharp morning ray. and repeat.

You’ve tried to forget the past but your heart just couldn’t let go. Far behind, far from the sky, if you’ve ever get second chance, you’ll take it.


Personal, UPM, Work

past midnight

Past midnight and I was trying to keep my eyes stay on this one journal since we’ve to do the SWE test tomorrow. I don’t know how enough is enough, but I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Thinking of how long since I last wrote, so here it is. Well, it will be my first time running the treatment, a little nervous frankly. I know Mr Chan will ask me like a hill of questions and I probably know how I’ll react. Like blur all the time, as always.

These past two days, glad that Mr Chan was busy running his PhD thingy, so I can do my work calmly without his smart-question. It is amazing how I’m progressing here. Last two weeks, I am here without any single information about what’s this all about. Day after day, I’ve learned a lot of new things and did some lab works that I’d never known before. Meeting new peoples and friends (well, not much friend when you stepped into postgrad!) was just a different kind of vibes. I mean, I met and heard about great peoples, and yes I feel like a small fish in a big, wide pool.

Today, I met Prof, asking her to sign on several forms, and had a quick talk with her. I wonder why peoples hate her. I’ve heard a lot of bad stories regarding her, but talking with her inspiring me. I don’t know if I’m just a newbie in this circumstance, maybe the true colour of her didn’t come out yet – that was all they said – but so far, I’m proud of her works. She’s even motivated me on my master project. She assured me that I’ll be fine being here, that I should not be worry.

Maybe this thing goes like this. Successful/well-known people will always be the target. Everything that they did and said – all were watched and interpreted – and manipulated by the audiences. Selalunya, orang yang dikata, dikutuk atau dihina akan lebih berjaya daripada orang yang mengata, mengutuk dan menghina. Probably because orang yang mengata tu busy mengata, while orang yang dikata itu busy growing up, tepis everything and succeed. That’s how world works after all isn’t?

Oh, and Prof said something to me. She asked me to choose between two projects as my Master. I thought we were already locked the project in? So, I am in dilemma now. This is gonna be tough decision. Really tough one. I don’t know what to choose. Allah, please help me!

Really sleepy right now. Enough with the reading, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I hope I will survive through out the day. Through out the test.

Good night.



Heavy thunderstorm and raining here. Alhamdulillah, felt like heated up these recent days, perhaps this rain washes away the heat and brings some moistures.

Bored weekend aside, my cell phone threw a tantrum after 4 years of services. It has been like 3 days since I hadn’t contact with anyone, via phone. Had to always logging in my Facebook account through laptop to communicate – oh yes especially to my worried mom and sisters. So, automatically with lack access of phone IT (and the apps beyond) my small part-time business flew away, I don’t know when on earth I could resume it.

Thanks to the super-fast WiFi connection in this block, so I can entertain myself with JinnyboyTv that always been my lover obsession ever since my first watched.

So, that’s all. Wish I’m having back at least a functional cell phone.

Personal, Study, UPM, Work

An Avid Reader

Has been two days since I was officially here. UPM is super large, yes larger than UNIMAS I think. I might lost in this big environment, thanks to Sakinah for preventing that to happen. Talking about Sakinah, she looks way different now compared to four or five years ago. I couldn’t brain why she happened to grow taller and I tragically, have to look up higher talking to her especially when I wore flat shoe like today! She said maybe I grew shorter. Okay, maybe.

She looks more matured than me, laugh a little bit lower than me. Talk a little bit less than me. Since her name is Sakinah which means “peace” in Arabic, it reflects on her personality. I always agree with her parents’ choice of naming her as Sakinah because she always been a calm person since I have first met her.

After five years of not meeting each other, I am struggling to put my awkwardness aside. You know, when you meet your old friend and suddenly you’ve become close again, it feels takes time to be really comfortable again.I don’t know about others but I do feel it. Haha but after all, it feels good to reunite again.

About the room, it is double room. Staying with me are two Degree’s students, doing their short sem. To compare with UNIMAS’s college, urm I preferred UNIMAS’s.  But then again, I shouldn’t compare with anything. I am choosing to be here, so let face and bear everything! It is a real hostel life, and I have to evolve myself as a true hostelian – except the fact that it wasn’t a dorm, packed with 10 or more persons. Heh

Today, Prof assigned me to meet Mr Chan to have a quick brief regarding the project. For RA, I’m gonna involve in Extraction of Palm Oil from PKC for Commercial and Health reason, majoring in subcritical water extraction and microemulsion WHICH I had no idea at all. Brilliant.

So, I met Mr Chan. He spoke a fluent English (everybody here does!) and having background of mostly Chemistry. So by now, you know I will be surrounded by Chemistry thingy, he even reminded me the fact that I should study all the related facts and theories back again.

On the way heading UPM with my sis yesterday, I told her “Kak, I will be an avid reader starting tomorrow” and today – as I wished.

May Allah makes it easy for me, InsyaAllah.

student room,

Institute of Bioscience (UPM)


The record

For the record, he is the only one who called me by my last name.

My best buddy knew how I secretly admired him and having his word in front of his book is just amazing. That just made my day.

So, good night. Tomorrow is my off day! 😀 Perhaps I can have a good rest and read his book. Pray my flu wouldn’t getting worse.


Semoga sahaja


short nag.

I’ve seen many of my friends were engaged, married and some of them are now having their own copies, child! Knowing how time flies scared me not to death, but at least – it scares me. Aside of the chaos, I’m still thinking I’m a little mommy’s girl who would never grow up mature. In fact, in few years more, say seven years (seven years would come as fast as you blink your eyes trust me) I will turn 30, and then 40, 50..I just couldn’t imagine how life would be on that stage. I mean, with whom I’ll share my life, growing old together world would be in this 20 years time (would it survive?) that sort of thoughts..things that we, I couldn’t expect and imagine.

The secret, mysterious life of us — I found it fascinating.

and let’s talk about marriage. For me, marriage is when you are willing to share your life circle with someone you feel just right for you. Someone who dare to commit on loving you. We would never know if we had made a right decision of marrying someone until we married them,no? Now it sounds like a creepy life experiment. Sometimes you might think you’d made a right decision but who knows maybe, just maybe, in the future things would change. Marriage isn’t easy. It is a contract of love and commitment. That was why when a married couple has no love remained with a poor commitment – their marriage would dump straight down to the hell. Shattered. Burnt.

Why on earth am I nagging about this? haha.

I miss the old you.

Passionate, Personal, Rant

laugh to the loser

It would be Nutrition if I was meant to pursue my study. I couldn’t think of anything better than that. Thinking of how exciting it would be, I couldn’t stop smiling. haha. I was thinking about Psychology as well, a field that I deadly interested in. You know, like studying people, their life development, complex minds, reveal the unrevealed secret of our fantastic brain, human microexpression, art of decision-making, choices, thoughts, risks, and everything about human being – it’s fascinating! Maybe I should take it as my PhD subject later on? Let’s see.

Travelling this path, sometimes I found it dark and fearful, there were days that I woke up in the morning trying to write at least something, but ended up blank. There were days that I keep thinking what I should do with this life, from where should I start, and the days ended, the nights came and I fell asleep. Life was very much like a carpenter who lost his saws and woods. No nothing. But I know, as long as I have a little courage, I can find the road I need to travel. May the courage stay; keeping the darkness and fears away.

It is hard living like this, but sometimes I love how bright-less my life is. I enjoyed every single moment, I love the facts that I could do whatever I want in a day – but sure, life shouldn’t be lived like this, huh? Gotta move to some points and levels. For now, let things be. I will follow the flow (any flow possible) for this time being and try to live to the fullest.

I was and am lost. who cares? neither do I, sometimes.

But the courage – once I have it, I will hold – – squeeze it to the top.

Coldplay said it well :

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I’m across

– Lost, Coldplay –